Hey Renee, how's it going???? I have been reading up on you and you are doing so good.....isn't it amazing how we get told it will get better with time in here and it really does....I hope you are still attending church and getting blessed.... Mu husband I was told is now a faithful church goer and his new G/F......church activities,everytime the doors are open they are in there.....how strange he never went with me in the past......maybe trying to MAKE A DEAL WITH GOD about his adultress situation.....maybe he needs to read A BIBLE on how that works......anyways, so happy to see this new Renee... talk at ya later friend......
IRMA, What you say doesn't suprise me and believe me when I tell you HELL will be full of people who laid in the church every Sunday. I think its a joke that people like that go to church, if the church knows about what he has done they should ask him not to come back. I know I sound extreme, but I cannot stand hypocracy.
So you won't file for divorce, but your h doesn't send CS regularly? And the reason you won't file is not biblical, but b/c you somehow think or fear that your kids will see YOU as a "quitter" by getting a legally enforceable agreement that protects them? Do they think he's "working" in Georgia? No. They have met OW....they know what's going on and they know you have "verbal" agreements which, oops, he disobeyed...
I don't know that I buy this approach. I know you are a good person. And it's none of my business but if I may just once point out another line of thought....There just seem to be other motivations here you may not want to face.
He's an adulterer - so you are biblically justified in filing. He "quit" the M and everyone knows it. He left. He lives far away, with OW AND HER KIDS, AND he spends "his" i.e., your children's money on them....AND b/c you are not legally div, there is not much you can do. So your children are helpless to react, thanks to you not filing for anything in court even an order of CS...why not? You don't have to file for div to get money...but you do have to go to court....
Is it possible that you feel he is more likely to return if you don't file, and therefore you are risking your own, and your children's financial security based on that hope? Look inside really honestly and ask yourself if it might be something else that keeps you from filing, and that it does not benefit your kids.
Just food for thought. As for our take on your comment about being there for him, hey it was simply our take on it. But you still are insisting that you will be there for him, and WE know what you mean. But several of us are saying that to HIM, WE think it might sound like something else. You insist it is not. Why so insistent? If we say how it struck us, just accept that it is how it struck us regardless of your intent. We're telling you how it sounded to us, and maybe to him, maybe not. Doesn't matter now as long as you don't keep saying it...
I for one, would at least act as if he was losing me & I'm GAL, b/c with this behavior he may feel he is getting a "5/10/15+?? year permitted time out" in which he can do whatever he wants with whomever, and IF and WHEN he feels like it, he'll step back into "his" home & M, b/c after all, you said he could. You said you'd "wait"....you said "if he ever needs you"...and maybe in 5 years he will. Financially, physically, occupationally, who knows?But He's in no rush to come home now; b/c he knows you are there waiting. Why give up his precious freedom when there's no loss to him, for staying away? That's all I'm saying.
His response to it, the, "I KNOW", is telling. You have no need to repeat it.
Can you GAL and somehow convey to him that you want to stop being in limbo? I mean he won't answer the emails - but he'd have to answer the legal filings. I have a feeling you are refraining from action b/c you hold out hope he'll return to you, on his own, if you do nothing at all to protect yourself or your kids. Is this true? You won't do anything? b/c you don't want to anger him?
One thing you know, is That approach has NOT worked yet with 2 years of it....so why would it with more time? He gets it both ways. Freedom AND NO responsibility b/c he might want to come back and he knows you'll take him back. (Yes Yes you said you wouldn't. But to HIM, you said you'd "be here if you ever need me for anything" and he said, "I KNOW".....)
I filed for a sep in my state b/c my h was so under the influence of his heroes in the "last frontier" that I think he'd have mortgaged our house to "invest" up there. I thank GOD I stopped that. My kids' security came first, before my pride or my desire to reconcile. I could not risk THEIR security by not enforcing it. Make sense?
I'm not saying you have to file for div. I am saying you have to protect yourself and if that doesn't matter enough to you, then protect your children. Financially. It's wrong that he helped his OW re-fi her home and didn't send CS to your d, and ignored your emails...how bad does he have to get before you'll file? You realize he can file taxes and use you as deductions on taxes so he probably benefits by not being divorced, (while just acting like he is).
And when I asked you financial questions, you didn't really answer them. I'm not trying to be a hard a-- on you, but I urge you to think these things out. God helps those who help themselves. You can do this. What choice do you really have? If you took offense, I'm sorry. Just here to try and get you moving onward. Not necessarily alone but at least with your kids getting money. Whenever I see a "verbal agreement", I see NO agreement, and when I see a kid get NO money, I see a woman who needs to see a L. (I am a L btw, but not a div one. So nope, I'm NOT trying to get any business here. Just doing a little warning stuff now and then...) Hope this helps and doesn't ruin your day.... I mean well.
I hope you are well and safe and that your kids are too. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
yes I am not divorced nor am I going to file for a divorce...I have filed thru the state of Texas for child support...I dont have to be divorced to do that.....I know you are being very honest with your words of advice and I really do appreciate that but I married for life...I do not want a divorce.... but that does not mean IF he decides to work on our marriage it does not mean I will be a doormat either....I know some dont understand in here what or how far I have come with Christ...and my husband does have a free will and that will be for him to decide....but as for me I will stand till I say I am ready to no longer stand..... From here on out it is I who will decide what is best for me and our daughter...you make me sound like I am stupid or something.I know what it looks like but my faith is strong and ...I may never see him return, but I will know in my heart I did the right thing. and yes bibically I have been freed from this marriage, but in my heart at this time I will do what I feel God has told me to do...and that is to wait....dont give up....my plan is in motion....I heard these things in my heart from God while I was in deep prayer and I have to be obedient....call me a christian fanatic...but this is what I believe.....be safe and God bless
Good for you Irmac you sound so strong in faith. Only you can know what is right for you. Yes you will know in your heart, that is what is important. Let God work on your h's heart.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
FWIW, I never said you (or anyone I know) were a Christian fanatic. Who mocked your beliefs? Not me. And btw I am a believer. And I would never tell someone "it's hopeless," b/c who am I to say, even if it were to look as if only a miracle could save you, that it wouldn't? (My mil has terminal cancer and had 6-8 months to live and we are now on our 20th month. We know she isn't "cured" but still.... My h is an MD but at one point he said, "I know only 2% of the patients with her cancer live, and I know it'll take a miracle... But why NOT my mom?" I sure didn't argue with that. Why not indeed?)
Look at MY timeline if you think i'm telling you that you are too patient or a doormat. For pete's sake, did you see my signature blocks and dates? Lots of people advised me to do lots of things, and All meant well.
For me, talking to a db coach was the single best thing I did, though God knows I did many things. (They seem expensive and are, but were actually cheaper per hour, than the t's in my area, fwiw. And considering what was at stake, I figured there wasn't a better way for me to spend my/h's money).
But the best advice I got is what I tried to pass on to you,[b] Which was to GAL and move on, which did not mean quit, (though yes, in time, maybe it would come to mean that??)[/b]
To me It meant to live without that "waiting for h/putting things/life on hold" feeling. And in some ways, I did truly move on, and I sure did GAL, and in some ways that probably IS what woke my h up.
But So was a forgiving attitude, which was confusing at first (took lots of reading to understand what 'forgiveness' means and how it frees us, without any condonation of the behavior that was so destructive) and a forgiving attitude still took an enormous amount of work and is still a work in progress even now. It's not a lightning bolt, or wasn't for me anyhow. But If you (or any LBSer) make it too hard for the WAS to return, then the WAS won't think they'll have a chance to reconcile anyhow. They'd rather give up "and start fresh", than really try to repair/rebuild, if it's just going to be too hard. I am NOT suggesting that you are doing this by any means...just saying in general this is what I learned...and
In the words of a wonderful DB coach I had, I can sum up my beliefs about DBing, which worked for me, btw, with this:
1) GAL for real; 2) MOVE FORWARD as if h won't be back --does not necessarily mean date and did not mean date at all for ME; AND 3) as for the WAS....Keep the Road Home Paved and Smooth. [/b] Make sense?
I also never said you were stupid. I haven't told anyone they're stupid.
I just wanted to make sure you weren't about to short change your d, financially or otherwise, in the hope that somehow it'd get your h back. Is that such an unreasonable concern? (Sorry if It offended you. It has happened in some situations including one of my own sisters, and your h DID fail to pay CS and DID FAIL to answer your simple request for an explanation. I feel as if you are transferring some anger onto me that doesn't belong on me, but maybe I'm doing the mind reading thing too...wth? It happens.) Also to clarify, or for the record, etc, you have a son and a daughter, correct? The son is older?
Anyhow-You talk of "Standing" and the thing is, I don't know what you exactly mean. Not filing? Okay. I maintain that what one teaches our children is not simply "M is forever so don't file for div no matter what"...Even with that, yes, even WITH THAT, I submit there are other things here to learn and teach, like Surviving heartbreak, and Taking charge of our happiness, And being the author of our lives. Imagine if your life were a novel/ book and you were reading it now, who would be writing yours? How's it going? How will the next chapter go and how will the book end?
(I hope this does Not offend you. These are simpe motivational comments that helped ME in my sitch, which I once considered hopeless. I think I even saw it on Oprah...Not meant to offend)
I'm sure you'll figure all these things out. But you did seem as if you wanted more feedback here. Now I feel as if you are angry that the feedback was not what you wanted, and so you put a pretty negative spin on my intentions. Is it possible that what you want is validation of all your tactics/approaches? b/c we can all say "STAND" til we're blue in the face. AT some point, we have to ask, "is this working?"
And if not, it doesn't necessarily mean you stop standing. Not at all. But it MAY mean you need to do something different.
Good luck, J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
When I say I saw it on Oprah, I meant the phrase about being the author of our lives...(Didn't see my marriage on Oprah...not yet anyway )
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Not offened at all...this is why I am in here.....here to learn and listen.....and pick up something along the way.....in standing I mean that what I feel God has spoken to me I have to do just that stand and wait and that I dont have a life and everyday I have to accept the fact that he may never come back.. my praying now is that one day my husband will have a realtionship with God as I do I have been a christian ever since I can remember, but till now I never knew Christ as I do now..... could it be because of what has happened or because I am older....I dont know but I wouldnt trade it for anything.... this journey I am on has gone into a different direction.... have a different way of thinking....all my thoughts, all day long were of him...our marriage...what he did... how could he....and the list goes on and on.....I take everything in here with a grain of salt.......I have to......it is people like you who help me thru this chapter in my life....words of wisdom to me.....dont ever stop doing what you do, we need that at times....thanks for caring.... and I didnt mean to offend you ....my anger is not directed at you or anyone for that matter...maybe just the way I worded things ...
IRMA, Whatever you do is your business, but please be firm when it comes to your daughter. If he isn't paying his child support, make him. If he isn't seeing her, document that as well.
I had such a wonderful day today I felt the holy spirit all around me especially when I heard a song called The Revelation Song,but tonite is a diffrent story...missimg him tonight....my old husband.....we havent heard from him in months.....I just pray he is doing ok.....I am sure my brother in laws would of let me know if something was wrong......I have had a bad feeling all day long though....I even felt drawn to call my g/f she lives in the same town. but I couldn't get a hold of her.....I dont know I feel something and it isn't good... Please keep me in prayer tonite for me.... I just feel like crying tonight dont know why.... can anyone tell me what might be going on with me......I have been doing so good..... Just got back from camping really enjoyed that... but today ....just have a feeling.... I remember Jeniven lost her husband while standing for her marriage......brings tears to my eyes just thinking about that... Cant shake this feeling...... What should I do????
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