Had sit-down with W Fri eve to talk about separating (her instigation). She spoke to atty earlier in week & discovered she has huge financial liability in D. She wants mediation, says she wants to be fair, then says "I am not going to give you any of my retirement; I am not going to pay you alimony. You don't deserve it and if you try to get it, I am going to leave the country. I want a quick, clean break and to move on. I don't want to give you any of my future earnings." :-( Boy, she is really angry with me.
I have been trying to be detached and DB, but I backslid and we got into talking about relationship. I tried to reason, let her know I am still willing to work on us, and she says she has noticed changes, but does not have "those feelings" for me anymore. She is actively involved with OW who lives in IL- OW has put her house on market, is looking for job in NYC and will get apt. there. WAW says she is love with her, although they will maintain separate residences... :-( It looks pretty hopeless.
I tried to tell her I thought she had treated me badly (Big mistake!!)- she made decision to continue EA when she realized it was going past friendship and not tell me about it, when it got physical she made decision to continue it, when I asked her point blank if she was having an affair she made decision to lie about it. Her response was that I "chose" to ignore signs there were problems, like when she did not come home (from long distance job assignment) as often as she could have. I responded "so it's my fault I believed in you and our marriage? When You lied to me I chose to believe you"? Not productive, I know. We did not yell or scream (we never do), but it was tense. We got past that and the conversation became more amiable. Talked about who might get house, pieces of furniture that were from her family that she was afraid I would claim, etc. Ended on calm note and she then spent that night with OW. :-P
OW went back to IL next day & W spent Sat. night with a friend. Sunday she came home. We had pleasant evening together- made dinner, sat on deck, talked about work, etc. No R talk. I think she felt comfortable. In offhand way, I volunteered to contribute $ to running house, so she could decrease contribution. The fact that she has been supporting me has been big issue over last few years, so this was important. She mentioned getting someone to do yard work since I am now working... when we are together, she still talks "future" things about house, as if we are not separating and one of us will be moving. It's bizarre.
Q I have is this- W is spending next few nights in NYC with friends (she has business there & we are 1 1/2 hr commute each way). The attitude of these "friends" is that since W made decision to separate and D, she should get things moving and done with quickly to minimize the pain and suffering to all concerned. My POV is the slower things go, the more time I have to implement changes, the better the chance W's feelings toward us may change or A might implode.
How do you DB when spouse is not around to interact with, and friends (who think they are "helping") are working against you???
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
