What a weekend...

[aliveandkicking]

As a mother, this really p*sses me off. Yes, she used them to embolden her position, now what do they do with it?

And, I agree, you should "help" her move her stuff when the kids are not around.

You're the leader Alex.

[AlexEN]

Oh, believe me, I'm helping her to get her things into the basement as fast as possible.It can't happen fast enough for me.

[aliveandkicking]

I'm sorry, I know this sucks.

[Greek]

Top tier question: What is best for the kids? Rigid schedule that W developed or something yet to be discovered b/c THERE
HAS BEEN NO DISCUSSION? And will she be scarce in her home when it is not her "day"?

My biggest objection to this is that both parents of these children did not sit down to arrange this. I'd say the same if you had mapped out the schedule without consulting her. These are your children, too, so your input, as their father, is REQUIRED.

Precedent is being set here. Going forward, do you want her to be making the scheds and informing you...or do you want the input to which you are entitled?

My .02
Greek

[AlexEN]

Greek, thanks for the two cents...

I haven't agreed to her schedule and told her exactly that, that we need to sit down and discuss it... and while that schedule may work for her, it does not work for me and, as you point out, it isn't even clear what it means (scarcity or not). [BTW, the kids are not aware of her proposed schedule.] I also plan to tell her that I may not always be absent when it is her so-called "primary" night and I do not expect to be treated as a stranger in my own home if I am home. The kids enjoy dinners together, so if S14 can temper his "attacks" (as Puppy suggested: if he has something else to say, we can have a family meeting or he can meet with the two of us alone or he can meet with either one of us alone), he will have a large say in determining whether family meals can continue at all (albeit much less frequently than before)... She does know this and that ALL financial matters will be handled either by agreement between the two of us or our respective lawyers.

[Gypsy]

Hey Alex..

Man, are your kids great at expressing themselves. As this unfolds they develop a separate relationship with their mother as they do with you. As a father you can support them while keeping respectful boundaries in place but you can't control what they say.

In the olden days, manic/depressives (as the severe cases were called back then) were sent to farms to work. The physical exertion gave an outlet for the racing brain and brought stability. Your son's hike is probably a very good thing.

Just because you think you have an agreement with your wife in how to address concerns doesn't mean she'll follow it. And her pleas for you to 'fix' the relationship between her and your son puts you squarely in an emotional triangle which will bite you in the ass on all sides. Be consistent with your boundaries.. you are there for the kids, will not speak poorly of her, let her fight her own battles. The family meetings are a great idea.. conversation with accountability.

*hugs*

[AlexEN]

Thanks Gypsy...

Man, are your kids great at expressing themselves.

Yes, the boys are both very good at that, although S9 presents his ideas better than does S14...

D11, who is generally more expressive, is keeping to herself and very moody. She went by an animal shelter yesterday and saw a puppy she had to have. It truly is impractical given the flux we are in, which I think she understood; but, she was crushed and inconsolable. Don't know if you know the Barney the Beagle kids book, but she was sure it was "HER dog".

In the olden days, manic/depressives (as the severe cases were called back then) were sent to farms to work. The physical exertion gave an outlet for the racing brain and brought stability. Your son's hike is probably a very good thing.

Thanks, your words are reassuring (and I did confirm with his doctor that it was okay to send him). He wanted the break and I do remember reading that the physical exertion is good for him. He has VERY sensitive body chemistry. We can tell when he has a strep infection BEFORE he tests positively just by how he behaves. When he was younger, he actually had strep-induced obsessive compulsive behavior (PANDAS) and this would typically be a pre-cursor to a strep infection!

Just because you think you have an agreement with your wife in how to address concerns doesn't mean she'll follow it.

Yes, unfortunately, I keep forgetting that one. For some reason, while that is so obvious intellectually, I'm still somehow always surprised when it happens. I guess that should tell me something.

And her pleas for you to 'fix' the relationship between her and your son puts you squarely in an emotional triangle which will bite you in the ass on all sides.

Be consistent with your boundaries.. you are there for the kids, will not speak poorly of her, let her fight her own battles.

Yes, this is one I need to steer clear of while making sure he realizes it is inappropriate to speak to anyone the way he has been doing. I see your point though, I need to look for opportunities to do that when it isn't directed at W so I'm not pulled into that triangle.

The family meetings are a great idea.. conversation with accountability.

That came from @Puppy... Will be put into practice upon S14's return from his hike.

-AlexEN

[mulesqb]

Hey Alex - I haven't been around here too much lately but I wanted to check in. I read a lot of your thread but not all of it - so if I'm off please forgive me. As you know, I'm you 6 months from now. So I wanted to chime in with some support and you can take what you want out of it.

I did the in-house sep for about 8 months. It's brutal. Your W will blame you for everything under the sun when it comes to the kids anger towards her. You know what. Strength and Honor my friend. That is her issue - not yours. I know living under the same roof is incredibly difficult - but this is no longer about you or her. It's about those kids. Every waking moment your thoughts need to be about how to help their transition and how to help them grow with respect for others. I went through this. You are an incredible Dad - there is absolutely no doubt about that. But this is your toughest challenge.

It's time to set an example for them. Mostly with the way you interact with your W. I hate to tell you this, but it's going to get tougher in that department. The next stages in this process force that. She will probably withdraw more from you and blame you more and more for her issues and get nastier towards you. When you feel you need to respond - get the he!! out of there and have a go-to buddy where you can vent and then pay for the drinks! Post here - get it out in healthy ways and show your kids what strength, honor and respect is all about.

You are so right about your kids needing them to express themselves her and any expectations you have of hert and you be the rock. Everyone in your house is watching you now. The kids will mimic your behavior. Emotionally, I'm sure there are moments when you kinda like when they act out against her, hey she deserves it, and they are able to say what you would really like to say to her, but can't. But at the end of the day they are smart kids and know what has transpired. And they'll never forget it. As great a father as you have been, now is where you step it up to legendary heights. They will never forget it, trust me.

Regarding the schedule - I would not eat as a family with your W any more. It's a false reality. It creates tension that doesn't need to be there. And I'm sure deep down she will resent any of the joking around you guys do - we went through the exact same thing. If possible- work out some type of schedule where you have the kids for dinner on certain nights and she does also. When you are free utilize that time.

There is so much more that I want to say to you about this. My son just got here from summer school so I have to get him home. Will post more tonight or tomorrow.

Strength and Honor bro!! - You can handle it.

Mules

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's a really great post, Mules. I am so thankful to God for the way everyone helps each other around here, despite all their own crap they're going thru.

Just wanted to say "hiya" to you!

Hiya!

Puppy

[AlexEN]

Mules!

Thanks for stopping by. If I didn't know better, I might think some Louisianans had pointed you here... But, no matter why you're here, I appreciate it...

Knowing you've been here so recently makes what you have to say carry a lot of weight. Plus, I know you had some very good counsel... But, first, how are YOU doing? Haven't seen you around much... I'm hoping that's good news.

You're right, I'm feeling that blame already and I do want what's right for the kids to guide my way. I'll soften my stance on the dinners but, I really don't want to elimnate them entirely... Am I being an a$$hole by saying if I do happen to be around that I want to be able to sit down with everyone?

I can't wait to hear what else you have to say... How do you keep a moron is suspense? Oh, you'll tell me later, eh?

Thanks,

-AlexEN