Start of the end..

[iwantittowork]

Some days, I don't know what to expect anymore, but I am focusing on what I want to make me happy.. For some reason, I think I have been getting better at detaching, and have been in somewhat better mood around her lately. I kind of took the pressure off myself lately, and have taken a couple days to just chill, and not worry about the M, the D, finances, etc.

So, Friday night, I had to work late unexpectedly until 2:30 am and didn't get home until 4am. I know putting the car in the garage at that time woke up my W, but nothing I could do about it.

I heard her get up to go get coffee, and knowing I was going to be tired, ran to stop her for a second, first I sincerely apologized for coming home so late and waking her up, but that it was due to work, and could she bring me a cup of coffee as well. She agreed.

After she came back, we wound up talking a bit, and these last few days I have been complimenting her on the way she looks, etc, but I have been sincerely doing so, not from what I think she wants to hear or anything. We joked about a couple things as well. I then went out to mow the lawn, and she came out around lunch time and asked if I would like a grilled cheese sandwich, and called me in when it was ready.

I thanked her for cooking, and we actually ate together on the deck in the nice weather, and passed some pleasant conversation. I then went back to finish mowing the lawn. She came out shortly after and asked if I wanted another cup of coffee, and I said you bet, and joked about how tired I was from work the night before..

When she came back with that coffee, I happened to be near the driveway mowing, and I gave her a big smile as she drove in, she did the biggest head doubletake when she noticed, and smiled back at me I have ever seen her do. That right there just made my whole weekend, but I realized that I had been smiling at her because I wanted to, not thinking about what kind of reaction I would get..

When she brought over the coffee, she had also stopped and gotten some cupcakes, and asked me back to the deck to eat a chocolate cupcake and have coffee. We again had some decent conversation and coffee/cupcakes and I finished up the yard work later.

An few hours later, I had been bantering with my W about her new breasts and how good they looked, (Which they really do, despite my really feeling jealous when I found out about them, and having a real hard time when she got the surgery) and after her shower she let me see and then even feel them. I played up a bit during that for about 1/2 hour in a sexual way, and she showed a couple signs of being interested, but then said no way were we going to have sex, so I completely dropped it and went and did other things, including getting ready to go out for the night.

I left a couple hours later, just going out for the night, not even telling her what I was doing. Oddly, during the whole day, I had been doing these things for myself, and not worried about how my W would react, nor what she was doing. Sunday morning, she cooked breakfast for both of us as well, and then she left for the day, and I sincerely told her to have a nice day.

I felt somewhat at peace the whole weekend, knowing that I would be fine with or without her.