Over the Shock and GALing 6

[AlexEN]

Hey Thinker,

I like this...

If she is unwilling to go that route, then my next step is to say: "I accept that you do not want to stay in the marriage, do not believe that the R can or should be fixed, and do not wish to work on it. I don't like it, and it is not what I want, but I accept it. Therefore we should proceed with a mediator to work through the details and put together a plan for how we will be living our lives afterward.

I wonder if you need to even show her Options 3 & 4 if neither is tenable to YOU. As it is, 3 will be the default if neither 1 nor 2 is successful. Reminding her of 4 seems somewhat irrelevant...

It's purely semantics, and you have to write in Thinkerese, but I think you could tweak it a little to soften it sounding like "it's all about you" in her eyes and making it even clearer that you are accepting, but not agreeing with her decision.

Maybe something along these lines:

"I'm still not sure how you feel about Retro, and I am not asking you to tell me at this moment, but it is a decision that has to be made soon. I do want you to know that while it is something I want us to do, I would accept your decision not to go. And, if that's your decision, I also accept that you do not want to stay in our marriage. I get that you do not consider us husband and wife. I would accept your decision, even though I do not agree with it. If that is where you stand, let's proceed with a mediator to work through the details and put together a plan for how we will each be living our lives afterward." [Don't know if it's worth adding or not, but you could add something like: "And, if that's our next step, let's figure out how to protect the boys as best we can and begin this process sooner rather than later."]

Again, I don't think it's much different in substance, but the tone is slightly different. At some level, this is my interpretation of @Greek's comments about your W "putting on her big girl panties" and letting her go down the path SHE has chosen but taking control of what happens next based upon her decision AND letting her know at the same time that "limbo" and the "status quo" is not an acceptable option.

My question to you would be whether you want to pursue this path whether or not she goes to Retro? If she went to retro, I don't know how you would assess how long you want to give it to see if it "takes". Others probably far more familiar with that.

My two cents...

-AlexEN

P.S. How about writing it in a handwritten card for awkward occasions such as this?