Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

So we survived the long car trip without killing each other. Things are still tense, but not horrible.

Since our discussion I have not brought up Retrouvaille again. I'm waiting to see what she does. She has the letter from them with the info and the tel number, and I saw her pick it up this am, so she is thinking about it.

In parallel this morning, I called and had an introductory discussion with a mediator. He seemed very competent, direct and straight forward. He pointed out that mediation is the time and place to put aside the emotions and put together a detailed, realistic plan for how each of you is going to live post divorce - a financial and child rearing life plan. The results are non-binding and confidential (non-admissible in court), but most of the time the mediator then drafts up an agreement which (after legal review) becomes the final agreement.

Much like Retrouvaille, however, the mediator was clear that mediation only works if both parties are open and committed to the process, and the next step would be for Mrs. Thinker to call him (she would have to take an active step) and agree to the process.

So here is where I see the decision tree for the Thinkers:

Option 1: Work on saving the family - Retrouvaille.
Cost: $500-600 including the hotel and meals, donation for the program, and babysitting. Time required: 40 hours. Emotional investment - openness, willingness to look at ourselves, painful introspection etc.

Option 2: Take a good hard look at post-D life and plan how it will work. - Mitigation
Cost: $2000 for the 3-4 initial sessions. Another $2-$3000 to finalize the D if it goes this route. Time required: 10 hours of mediation sessions. Additional time as required to collect financial info, etc. Emotional Investment - hard painful work to face reality and plan out what a post-D life would look like.

Option 3: Start from unrealistic points of view and fight it out - Get a L and file.
Cost: $20-50K. Emotional Investment - huge fighting, bad feelings, difficult post-D working relationship.


Option 4: Stay as things are - Limboland

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I have reached the point where I don't believe option 4 can work. We are just getting farther and farther apart and the wall between us is getting higher and stronger. For details, see the posts over the weekend, but for all intensive purposes, I am done hanging on to this one. This is the one Mrs. Thinker seems to be hanging on to by default, because it does not require her to have difficult discussions or face difficult truths.

Option 3 is just wrong for us - bad thing to do if it can be avoided.

That leaves Options 1 and 2.

Both Option 1 and 2 require active and willing participation from her, and both require honesty, openness, collaboration, and willingness to face difficult truths. They just move in different directions.

I have made my clear vote for Option 1: work on saving the family.

If she is unwilling to go that route, then my next step is to say: "I accept that you do not want to stay in the marriage, do not believe that the R can or should be fixed, and do not wish to work on it. I don't like it, and it is not what I want, but I accept it. Therefore we should proceed with a mediator to work through the details and put together a plan for how we will be living our lives afterward.

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The only thing that gives me pause is that I feel I am the one pushing forward toward something that will hurt the kids. Intellectually, however, I know this is not the case. Here in Limboland we are currently slowly but surely moving toward divorce. The marriage will die a death by a thousand paper cuts. It's already half-way there.

If I force the decision - Option 1 or Option 2. Choose to work on the M, or choose to take a real close up and personal look at what a D would look like.

If she chooses Option 2, and takes a good hard look, and decides to proceed down the path of D, then I'll be OK.