My W and I are separated, have been since April. She is posted for online dating and is bashing me so to speak in e-mails to potential dates. She asked for a separation not a D. I took that as positive sign. Been changing me. Problems with ADHD and was on wrong med for over 1 year. did not know it until W asked for Separation. Solved med issues and now working on behavior modification through therapy. never did it until now (got big punch in face). Trying very hard to give her space, not succeeding too well. My questions are: 1. By asking for Separation and not D, am I correct in assuming this can still work out? 2. Is her "bashing" of me to potential on line men a form of therapy for her? She still gets angry with me, and that is a positive sign as she does have emotion. Not once has she said she wants a D, but when asked about reconciliation, she brushes over it by saying that she cannot predict what the future holds.
Hi BH -- sorry you're here, but you will find that it's a great resource.
It really wouldn't even matter if she asked for D instead of S -- it can still be saved! Very few THREATS of divorce turn into actual divorce, and you can't control it anyway -- all you can do is work on YOU (and it sounds like you have some work to DO).
What did the two of you agree upon, if anything, about dating while separated?
she has always been a rule follower, so she is attempting to date, but from what I understand not having any success. To complicate matters, she has Lupus and that has affected the last 5 years of our M. The M has been good/bad, hot/cold. I have faith that we will work it out, but it is so flipping hard to let her go. Some days I get the "buy" sign, others I get the "sell" sign. we went through a mediator for an agreement as there is a house and two children. i thought i would see what others would interpret from my situation. I have read and re-read the 7 steps, but not the first book. I hope that she will quit focusing on the negative of the M at some point. It usually happens when I try to talk to her about the M.
she has always been a rule follower, so she is attempting to date, but from what I understand not having any success.
I'm sorry, I'm still unclear. Did the two of you agree to date other people while separated, agree that you WOULDN't date others, or was it not discussed?
It looks like she is not ready to deal w/ D yet so yes that is a good sign. Either way you have a tough road ahead but just be patient and work on your ADHD issues. I have it too btw. I am now on 2 meds and I am noticing minor changes. I am cleaner and more organized when it comes to my personal space for example. With my IC I have been wanting to shift from talking about the emotional pain of my separation to something more solution oriented like behavior modification. Anyway, be sure to give your W more space and she'll have less ammo to bash you. When she gets angry feel free to walk away or ask her to talk to you at a time when she feels more open to talking rather than fighting. Don't let yourself be her doormat if she is pushing you into an argument. Be as proactive as possible with your changes, read Divorce rememdy, and consider getting a DB coaching phone session. If you ever want to talk about ADHD ask me. It is a tough condition to have when it comes to relationships
oh have you ever seen the ADHD workbook before? I have been considering buying that. Another good book about separation btw is "Getting Back Together" by Bettie B. Youngs and I have been told to look for the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson.
i guess i should add that on her online posts, she says she is S and moving to D. she told me she put that so that people would contact her more if they thought she was "more available". I have my days where i know it is going to work out, and she just needs some time. but, it is on those days that i sometimes push too much. the issues at hand have been treatment of each other, and i have learned through my active participation in counselling and extra research, that my adhd played a role. we had a trial S about 6 years ago when she caught me with cigarettes in my car and I lied about it trying to avoid conflict. (ADHD problem). I have only ever lied about smoking and where the money comes from to purchase. not anything else. it happened one more time, and i told her i just had a mental break down, i did not lie to her about it, she took the kids to a friend's house over New year's and then came back. she said if it happens again, she will D me. But, I did it again (ADHD can't think down the road). I actually didn't do it for over three years. then i had the med change and lost alot of self-control, was aggressive, and the person was not me at all. when she found the cigarettes in my car, it was the proverbial straw. she said she wasn't happy and wanted an S, and both she and the pastor who was there that night reiterated that she is not asking for a D. I just gotta get me under control (have been) have patience (difficult) and give her space (even harder). I have chosen not to date now but i did go out with one person to dinner more so as i am lonely. i said me dating others is not sending her the right message. she says my words are empty b/c there are no actions behind them. turning that around. when i make progress (maybe self-perceived), i usually try to talk about the R. then i get gonged!!! the back story is just that. when the S happened in April, we had been married 12 years, 9 months and 23 days.
She left your one time b/c you were caught smoking?
Do the two of you have children?
Do you think she is addicted to the Internet dating thing? Meeing other men on-line? What does your W look like? I mean, is she attractive, look young for her age, etc.
The more information you can give, the better it will help....like the ages of both of you.
Thanks, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
