Anniversary of what (a marriage that isn't a marriage)? Yes, just ignore it...it means nothing to her. Since your wedding anniversary is about two people celebrating their union, what's the sense of one person acknowledging something that isn't important to the other? Ask yourself if you'll still be marking your anniversary if you are divorced.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
MW- Today is the day I sign the refi papers on my place, so not a lot of time to talk right now, since I'm running around like a chicken w/ my head cut off. I'll try to check in w/ you later on today (if I get a chance), if not tomorrow. -Jimbo
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Emotional rambling to follow ... My heart ... hurts. That would be an understatement. When you grab a fist full of lawn and pull, there get this ripping sound. As I was sitting there listening to my W tell me it's over I had that sound in my head only much much louder. It's random, I know.
Ugh! I relate to that feeling and your description is spot-on. Just wanted to say I u/s and it's hard, hard stuff.
By continuing to press on and move forward, you're taking back control in the only ways you can. I think you are making good decisions for yourself.
Jimbo- I appreciate you checking up on me. I'm trying not to do anything monumentally stupid in this state of emotional turmoil.
I got mail from the court today regarding me getting served. Apparently it's not enough to be served in person, you have to get the follow-up mail as well. I'm trying to just let it go. This was followed by an email from my W about a bill ... did I pay it or not. I was planning on paying it anyway, since I had agreed to it. Here's the thing. She now wants all correspondence to go through email. WTF? She's avoiding phone or text messages like I have some sort of fatal disease. In my head I'm thinking of telling her ... I will no longer respond by email. (or - i have blocked your email) If you have a question, call me. I get that this is about control for her. I should probably let it go. But I HATE, absolutely ABHOR, being told how things are gonna go. She gets everything on her terms. This has been her MO since she left. I get no say, she dictates all the terms. Am I just being vindictive? Do I just give her what she wants or do I fight her on it and make her do it my way?
Do I just give her what she wants or do I fight her on it and make her do it my way?
I wouldn't fight her. I wouldn't reply that you aren't responding to e-mails. But I would make a habit of only responding after a day or two. If it's something you don't care to write about at all...then I'd just not respond. E-mail can work as well for you as her. Let her dictate if she wants that to be the method of contact...doesn't mean you have to use it reliably or in a timely manner. Don't be snotty or rejected when you write back...write nicely, but be very slow about it.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Jimbo- I appreciate you checking up on me. I'm trying not to do anything monumentally stupid in this state of emotional turmoil.
No probs MW- us MLC LBSes have to stick together.
Just a couple of observations for you....
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
So now what do I do? Do I call her about anything? Do I just go about my business? Act like we've never met? With no kids, we don't have a reason to be around each other.
Not sure what to do with this ...
I know that you know the overt answer to this. Drop the rope and stop the pursuit. But I also think I'm reading between the lines of what else you're saying here. You're concerned that "no kids = no contact".
Yes, it's true. But only to a point. You will have opportunities to have contact, albeit few and far between. For my W and I, we had to have contact for the taxes, retitling the cars, credit cards, the quit claim deed on the house, and settling the bank accounts. Granted, a lot of these were by email, but on three occasions they required face-to-face interactions. I chose to approach these three occasions as opportunities to show her what she would miss should she choose to pursue the D. I didn't tell her... I showed her.
Don't be cold and aloof, but don't be clingy either. Be attentive and understanding. Be warm and courteous, gentle and kind. Show loving kindness to her, (as much as she will let you, anyway) despite that she may be acting like a $#!+. "Act as if."
The interactions add up. Think about how this sort of thing would work from your perspective- you have no contact with someone for a while, and then you do....and then you part again, for another long stint. When the nights get long and the walls start to fall in on you, and your mind thinks back to this person, what do you think of? If you're like me (and like most everyone else, I'd wager), you think back to the last time you saw them. And the time before that, and the time before that....
Don't concern yourself with quantity, as much as quality.
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
I'm mad that now I'm being treated like a total stranger. Worse, actually. Apparently she'd rather have nothing to do with me. I know somewhere in that foggy head of hers that it isn't really about me and that avoiding me is her way of escaping the horrific things she is doing. But, I'm still on the receiving end I have a hard time getting it. If she really wants to be gone, if this is what she wants, then it shouldn't be a big deal to talk with me.
....and yet she can't seem to bring herself to do this...hmmmmmmmmm.......
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
Our anniversary is on the 20th. Do I just ignore it?
Yes. If she has chosen the D route, then she needs to experience the consequences of her actions.
Originally Posted By: mountain_west
She now wants all correspondence to go through email. WTF? She's avoiding phone or text messages like I have some sort of fatal disease. In my head I'm thinking of telling her ... I will no longer respond by email. (or - i have blocked your email) If you have a question, call me. I get that this is about control for her. I should probably let it go. But I HATE, absolutely ABHOR, being told how things are gonna go. She gets everything on her terms. This has been her MO since she left. I get no say, she dictates all the terms. Am I just being vindictive? Do I just give her what she wants or do I fight her on it and make her do it my way?
MW- Have you ever had someone do something to you in your life that minorly irked you, and you decided to bite your tongue about it, because you didn't want to make a scene? Then it happens again, and you treat it the same way?
And again?
And again?
And again?
...and then you get to the point where this minor annoyance has built up into a MAJOR issue for you....
and you just EXPLODE?
...and you just don't give a damn anymore whether you hurt anybody or not...it's GOT to come out...and you have absolutely NO CONTROL over how your anger expresses itself?
She has a lot of stuff (emotions, past events, her reactions to them, etc.) that she has repressed over the years bubbling up to the surface from her subconscious. Previous to this time in her life, the only coping mechanism that she had was to shove it deep down into her psyche and "forget" about it.
Those chickens have come home to roost. Now is the time when she is "exploding". Except it's all in S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N......
She knows what she is doing is wrong- just like, while we're in the middle of doing it, we know that blasting that irksome person is wrong and hurtful - but we HAVE to do it anyway.
And so does she.
But since this is in slow motion for her, she has to confront what she is doing every single day of her life, knowing that it's wrong...
...and having no choice in the matter.
If you were in her shoes...if you were trying to gain some degree of control over your life...if you felt like your world was spinning out of control, and you would do ANYTHING to make it stop...what would you do?
All of the controlling behavior is just her trying to get her world back in control. Since she has no other coping mechanism (because she's been avoiding her issues all along), she is grasping at straws. One of those straws is to try to control her environment. But controlling her environment doesn't address her issues. It's a dead end. She will learn this lesson EVENTUALLY.
You may see it differently, but I look at it as experimentation on her part. My W is doing the exact same thing, and I see no need to try to fight or control her- after all, even if I could control her actions (which I can't), if she IS going to D me, what control would I have over her after that anyway?
She is going to do whatever she feels she needs to do.
Let her conduct the experiment. The Universe will make sure she learns the lessons she needs to learn.
Trust it to do its job.
Let go. Let God.
PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE CONQUER ALL THINGS. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
DBing and MLC take their toll....Please provide exact CHANGE. -Jimbo
Jimbo- I've been looking over your threads and it seems we have similar situations. I'll be headed over to the MLC boards once this locks, or maybe earlier. It would be nice to hear from others in a similar situation.
Quote:
You're concerned that "no kids = no contact".
My biggest fear is that she's completely disappear. She knows this is my fear and that it hits on some really old, core personal issues for me. When she originally moved out she commented on the disappearing thing. She said "In the past I would just move someplace new and start over. The fact that I haven't gone anywhere should tell you something." I don't know what it tells me, really. The filing strikes a panic chord in me, partly because of her history and partly because of my own wounds. Honestly, I think me moving away will give me some perspective on that.
Quote:
Now is the time when she is "exploding". Except it's all in S-L-O-W M-O-T-I-O-N......
This is really helpful. I think part of my problem with this is my expectation of what the implosion should look like. It never occurred to me that this would happen slowly. I have to process that a little.
I'm not sure I see this as an experiment on her part. My IC told me that people who are dealing with the MLC are stuck back at some event from earlier in life. I'll paraphrase what he said to me ... You, as the person closest to the person in crisis, represent all those past experiences she never dealt with. She can't see right that it isn't you that is really bothering her. You're too close. You just happened to be the catalyst for all of this pent up anger and frustration. She's rebelling, not against you specifically, but against the sum total of all these unresolved experiences. That has to be painful for her. I don't really have a point ... I just need to get that out.
Quote:
Let go. Let God.
I've been praying ALOT lately, which shouldn't be that big of a surprise but that is another thread. I'll just put this out there ... Anyway, the biggest thing I've come to realize is that I want to be there for her. Not that I want to help her through this, but that I know how bad it is to deal with stuff like this alone. I had been praying that she'd come back, or wake up, or ... pick your variation. Lately this has changed. I've been praying that whatever it is that has her pinned down will be released, even if that is me. Asking for a restoration ... a healing ... of her with Him, regardless of how it ends up with me. It's not up to me to make THAT happen. I've been reminding God that she is His. I just can't get that out of my head. Again ... I just need to get that out too.
So now what do I do? Do I call her about anything? Do I just go about my business? Act like we've never met? With no kids, we don't have a reason to be around each other.
Not sure what to do with this ...
I took the day off because I couldn't deal with being around people. Clearly, not a bad choice considering the events of yesterday. Well, a woman friend of mine came to take me to lunch today. It was all very platonic and friendly. She knows my story and was hoping to just get me out of the house and keep me from crying all day. No biggie. We're walking across the street to my favorite place and my friend leans over and says, "is that her?" She spots the STBXW sitting on a crowded porch at the restaurant with a woman friend. It would have been hard to miss us. We just stroll on by. It was so crowded I didn't see her until we were just about past.
You were married for seven years, no kids. Who made more money? You or her? She may be pushing for you to sign quickly so that you don't pursue her on this issue.
If she made alot more money than you did, it might be worth pursuing.
At it's base this sounds like an attraction issue and the only way to fix that if this is in fact the case is to become more attractive.
Currently you sound needy, insecure, wussy like and that's turning off all of her switches. What possible benefits do you offer her if all you show her is that you are weak and ineffectual?
Is it 100% confirmed that she is seeing other men or specifically another man?
While you have been waiting around and she has been sowing her "wild oats" you have solidified the position that it's ok for you to be a 2nd or 3rd option just in case she ever wants to come back. Not very attractive in the least.
Move on with your life, you should have done this immediately when these problems started, you should have created a fear of loss in her - we all want what we can't have and you only really appreciate something when it's gone or leaving (you can attest to that).
I don't know if it was a smart move to think leaving it up to God to wave his hand and make it all better.
Create a great life for yourself, become the best you can be for yourself, heal yourself and let go of the need to control this situation and her.
You don't need to call her, text her, email her, etc. If she does call, txt or email you, don't reply back, make her contact you several times and tell her you weren't available, out with a friend ("you don't know them") and generally getting a life and enjoying life.
You might think that diamonds are valuable and in demand because they are precious and expensive and because they’re beautiful, but in fact their value comes from their scarcity… What originally made them interesting, what originally made them beautiful,and what originally made people WANT them was that there was nothing else like them.
You exhibited broken man, insecure, wuss like behaviors and equated yourself to the same value of alot of other men out there that are in the same boat.
Since you have lower value in her perception, she doesn't want you anymore. How do you make yourself more attractive to her (and i'm not talking about physical looks here either).
