Hi BobbiJo
That's some pretty heartwrenching stuff going on w/ your kids. Sorry you are experiencing it.
I think it's possible that they don't understand what's happening and that's why they are making these kinds of comments. I wouldn't trust your H to expalin in a sensitive or proper way. I think you should set them straight. Kids are resiliant, they don't have a sense of what normal is and sho they are willing to accept all kinds of situations. I'd be very frank with them, I bet they can handle it.
Just to share my experience: I split with my D Father when she was 3. We went thru a bit of that too. I remember telling her she would always have her mom and her dad but that they would be a 2 houses. When she missed him, I would be sympathetic and understanding, telling her it's normal to have those feelings. I would then let her call him. She did adjust rather quickly. By the time she was 5, she used to whine and complain that she didn't want to visit his house on the weekends. I explained that it wasn't optional. I said you have 2 parents who both love you and want to spend time with you and going to Dad's on the weekend is important and whether she felt like it or not, it just is. She accepted that and even bragged about how she had 2 houses. Her Dad & I also continued to do things together with her a few times a month, whether a holiday, a movie, dinner or a trip to the park. Although it was difficult for us, we knew it was important that she retain the impression that her parents and her were still family despite the fact that we weren't living together. She knew her parents put her first and were unified in at least one issue - raising her. When she was about 7 my brother & his wife split and when talking to her about it she asked what would happen to her cousins. I explained that they would live with auntie and uncle, and would have 2 houses. I told her that her little cousin may feel very insecure about what was happening and suggested she talk to her about the experience of coming from a broken home. She replied, 'I don't have a broken family. I don't know anything about what that's like." At that moment I felt so proud that she had no idea that her family situation was not normal or that we were broken. She didn't identify with that phrase whatsoever. It was very hard at times to put feelings aside and spend time with my x, but I knew then without doubt that it was worth it.
Anyway, that's my experience. I am not familiar with your situation in all so I don't know what issues you are dealing with. But I do know it's extremely painful to see your kids hurting and it's hard to make them understand a reality that you yourself find difficult to accept. Daddy is missing out. He's losing.
Maybe you could try explaining it with a very light heartheartedness or humor so that it goes down easier. I don't know your kids, you know how best to communicate with them. But I wouldn't leave it to the crazy parent to do and expect it to get done right! When my DD was 9 I split w/ my H when he was cheating. I hadn't told her it was happening yet, but he decided to tell her. Sensitive bloke - he said oh my phone's ringing it's my girlfriend. She said, you mean Mommy? He laughed, No I have a girlfriend now.
Can you believe it! When I got home she was a mess sobbing and saying Mommy, s. is a cheater. She was hysterical to find out like this. I was so sorry that I hadn't explained the situation to her myself so she didn't have to suffer this insensitive blow.
Hard as it is to see the little peanuts struggle to comprehend the bad news, they are a great source of strength and the need to care for them and make them happy does help one from falling into pits of despair. I remember saying kids are great for preventing any rash behaviors like jumping off the bridge!
Best of luck to you in this painful situation. I think you should do damage control yourself. HUGS