Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

[Dawn of Hope]

I don't know whether to scream, cry, throw up, or kill myself.

I haven't snooped on H or OW for months now. But tonight, somehow, I found myself looking things up, and I'm not exactly sure why or how I started, or what route I traveled, but I got a little carried away. It was like a car crash--I knew I shouldn't look, and I knew it would make me feel terrible, but I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I honestly don't know what happened--one minute I was doing my usual calm checking of my regular routine of websites, and the next I was Googling H's name and thinking how ironic it was that one of the sites that came up was a (gay) porn site. My memory of how I got from one point to the next is fuzzy; it's like I was momentarily taken over or something. Why on earth did I do this insane thing after all this time, knowing what a bad idea it would be?? Was I possessed for a few minutes there?

Among a lot of other things that are relatively minor, I found out H started a blog about his unemployment experiences (he was out of work from mid-February to mid-April of this year), and from reading that, I learned more about his life on a daily basis than at any time since the bomb, even including the year+ when he was still living here with me. He kept it up from the day after his layoff until shortly after he got another job, posting almost daily in the beginning. He didn't mention me even once, or that he is (or had ever been) married, but OW (whom he referred to as "my girlfriend") got mentioned in passing several times, including once when he said he hadn't posted for several days because he was spending time with her, since she had "been here all week." (She is going to school about 4 hours away; I suppose this was spring break.) I found out that he lied to me some more...he mentioned something about seeing his answering machine flashing, when he had told me he was only going to have his cell phone and wouldn't be getting a home phone, although I suppose it is legitimate that he might have changed his mind later.

I just felt sick, looking through everything. One thing that really made me angry was after he had found the new job, he was talking about all the paperwork that had to be filled out, and he said this:

"And I have to come up with a beneficiary for all my benefits. But everyone else in my family is better off than I am. Maybe I'll donate it to some sort of fund for unemployed people."

!!!!!!

This is the same man who was asking me, about that same time, and obviously knowing how broke I am, whether I had enough money to keep eating! And who single-handedly ensured that I couldn't get health insurance without spending a huge chunk of my income, and even then I wouldn't be covered for pre-existing conditions (like my suicidal depression...which is ironic considering that starting with the bomb, he keeps doing stuff that is almost calculated to push me over the edge, and then asking me if I'm going to kill myself)!

Right now I just want to shoot him. Or maybe myself. Maybe both. I won't, of course, but I am FURIOUS with him! Hey, didn't I just post a few hours ago that I felt that I had a thick wall separating me from my emotions, but the pain (and in this case, anger) was just waiting for a chink in the wall to overwhelm me? Well, this was the chink. This is why I think I am so much better off if I don't talk to him or see him. It totally upsets my precarious emotional equilibrium.

I haven't cried at all since I saw all this stuff, but I feel like I am about to explode.

I REALLY need some insight and cheering up now. Help!