Kids are a good go-between the parents when one doesn't know how to "lighten" the mood. He can play and tease with the kids and it's way of trying to pull you into it.
As a WAS, I think I mentally blocked out how deeply I hurt my H. After spending so much time here on the board, I learned from the other LBH's how bad it is for them and how that hurts their male ego and self-respect more than about anything that could happen. So, I am sure he can't face how much he's brought you pain. He is battling a war between his emotions & brain. He is not out of love with you and never has been......but he "wants" to be so it would be easier for him. I feel that you are slowing inticing him back in a R with you and one part of him wants it, but one part is still fighting it. He thinks his life would be less complicated or he would find more happiness in another R.
I know you probably get tired of people telling you not to give up, but if you will notice, I finally added something to my signature......b/c that is what I think about our R's on earth.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I can see exactly how his interactions with the kids are helpful to him in pulling me in. There's the humour, 'play fighting' and teasing in jest as well as the more intimate times with our daughter curled up beside him. If the kids say something funny he'll look at me at grin.
The crazy thing is that I know he loves and cares for me. I agree wholeheartedly with what you say; he is battling that war between head and heart. Life is easier without me. Without me he doesn't have to face the demons within. He doesn't have to face the family and friends.
His words and outside actions tell the story that he is moving on and doesn't need me. He can be gruff and impatient. He is quick to find fault with me. He accepts my apologies but doen't offer too many of his own. However on the other side, he's still too involved, too helpful, too interested and too caring for someone who has been gone for 2 years! By now I think a truly separate person wouldn't keep in touch except via email to cover the essentials.
I just get so impatient. I am tired of sitting alone at night. I have loads of friends and I love my time with them but it's just not the same as sharing your day with someone special.
It appears that OW is 'on the outer' to some extent. Not trying to get my hopes up here but he seems to be at home or doing something with the kids a lot of the time when you would expect they might be together.
This Friday is our son's formal. Parents are invited to attend for drinks and photos for an hour. H is picking me up and driving us there. That's a step forward!
Sandi, I am certainly not tired of people telling me not to give up. I am strong and I will do it my way but my family and friends all told me to give up on him ages ago. In fact, most would be shocked to think I am db. They would think I am crazy!Sometimes I think I am crazy, too but when I see him I know I don't want life without him.
Btw, I did notice your signature. I remember thinking how appropriate it was for the forum but wondering at what time do you say I tried but I failed.
Thanks again for your insights. They are so powerful; affirming at times and always insightful.
Tonight H called me to tell me about a significant work incident. He gave me quite a bit of detail. We then chatted about a few other trivialities. It was another conversation of about 20 mins. I thanked him for calling and he said, "no worries". I finished saying, "have a good day tomorrow" and he replied, "you too." Not a big deal in normal circumstances but in this case this was a BIG DEAL.
H rang to change plan with kids. Left a message so I sent text back. We had a few joking texts back and forth and then I finished. All tiny steps but positive!
Sounds like you're doing great it's slow but great. My sitch is similar in that my H has been gone over 18 months and has OW although not sure whether it started before or after he left.
I'm trying to do same as you slowly but surely. And like you it seems to be going in the right direction. Soooo frustrating though.
Wish you well with the surgery. I think as he's the father of the kids you should rely on him for child support as necessary, but accept that emotional support for you has to come from his own initiative, but take it if offered.
Bonny, OW is still definitely on the scene. However, she doesn't seem to feature very strongly. They don't seem to do much together and he seems to be otherwise occupied on weekends. They have been together for about 3 years now. I won't ask him about her. I never mention her! (She's not worth my time!!)
There definitely appears to be the attempt to reconnect with family. He has made effort to reconnect with our children, his parents and two of my brothers. Sure there are others I don't know about as well.
Sounds the same as my h OW - it seems to me that they've got together cos they were both a bit lonely (she left her H the same time as my H left me). She seems to be less around or at least my H is more available to our kids. Hopefully a good thing.
trouble is where to go from here? Like you I'm determined not to be too pushy but it's a hard tightrobe to walk between that and uncaring.
Latest thing I do is if we meet I send a follow up text thanking my H for whatever it was. Had no response so not sure if it's working but I figure I would do that for any other friend who I met up with so why not my H.
Hopefully we're both going in the right direction.
