Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[givingitmyall]

Sounds like you handled this well.

You should be proud of yourself.

[Faith2010]

H called this morning. S is with me and answered the phone (Not knowing I would not have). H asked when we were coming home. I said tonight or tomorrow. H asked if we would be home for dinner because he would cook. I said no, we would not but I will let him know if that changes. H said "I miss you". I said "You do?" H said "yes". I said "okay".

I am still undecided if I want to go home tonight or tomorrow. I really want to sleep in my own bed but I don't want to see H. I also should probably go to work tomorrow although work will be fine if I'm not there. Thinking about going home makes me nervous and sick to my stomach.

I know I need to face H at some point. I feel as if things are different now. I refuse to be his emotional punching bag any longer. Even so, I know my feelings are still raw and I'm afraid of being pushed over the edge again. Of course S is now going to be home with us which will probably make a difference. I have to be strong for him.

I need advice on handling the sex dicussion with H. I figure I should talk from the standpoint of how I feel but I don't know how to do it without pointing out it is because of the fact that he is having an affair. "I don't feel I can engage in sex with you, my husband, as long as our marriage vows are not being honored due to the affair." Or "as long as you are in a relationship with another woman." Neither sound right to me. I think I'm missing something here.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I need advice on handling the sex dicussion with H. I figure I should talk from the standpoint of how I feel but I don't know how to do it without pointing out it is because of the fact that he is having an affair.

Well, IS that why you don't feel safe doing it with him?

Puppy

[Faith2010]

Yes, Puppy, that is why. Well that and I feel like he is using me and not honoring our marriage vows. If he's emotionally connected to her, he can't be to me. I think I was confused in thinking us having sex meant we were connected. I may have been connected to him because I was desperate to make our M work. However, he was not connected to me. Like I think I said before, I think fear also played a part. If I didn't do it, I would lose all connection with him. However, I know this is the card I need to play now.

I have been pondering with the idea of asking him to move out of our room. Our spare bedroom is the computer room so there would be a lot of rearranging to do. My fear (yes, that blessed fear) is I will be pushing him further away. Just wanted to know what ya'll thought.

Spoke with H tonight. Told him I was not coming home today. Seemed to upset him although he did not say so.

[Gardener]

Ash,

Trying to come up with what to say to H about no more sex. I'm thinking something along the lines of as long as he is involved in an affair, sex will not occur. Any suggestions?

I like that. Short and sweet. I will defer to the women's consensus, of course. But as a man, "if A, then B," says it all to me.
Ash, I've been following, though not chiming in much. Gotta tell you, you are doing well. You sound strong.

[Faith2010]

Thanks Gardener. I think I've landed back on my feet - just needed a few days away. How are things with you? I've looked for your current thread but haven't had any luck...what did you name it?

Are you on FB? I joined the DB fan club today. Only person I recognized was GIMA.

[Gardener]

Thanks Gardener. I think I've landed back on my feet - just needed a few days away. How are things with you? I've looked for your current thread but haven't had any luck...what did you name it?Are you on FB?

You're welcome.
I'm good.
Changing man.
No FB.

[mishka422]

Ashlee - I'll look for you in our little community on FB.

As far as how to approach the sex subject with your H, you said something that stood out to me as painting a picture of the emotional aspect you are dealing with. I would say that is what you need to add when telling him you will no longer have sex with him. Something like this. "as long as you are emotionally connected to OW and not to me and devoted to our M,sex will not occur."

Calling it an affair may not resonate with him because, frankly, most men do not see an EA as an affair because it is not physical. Unfortunately, men do not see R's the same way as women do.

[sandi2]

Good morning Ashlee,

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you returning home and going back to work. Don't push yourself b/c your nerves have taken a beating this weekend. It may be hard to focus at work.

Take care,
Sandi

[Faith2010]

As far as how to approach the sex subject with your H, you said something that stood out to me as painting a picture of the emotional aspect you are dealing with. I would say that is what you need to add when telling him you will no longer have sex with him. Something like this. "as long as you are emotionally connected to OW and not to me and devoted to our M,sex will not occur."

Calling it an affair may not resonate with him because, frankly, most men do not see an EA as an affair because it is not physical. Unfortunately, men do not see R's the same way as women do.

Mishka- Thank you. You are 100% right and I love the way you put it. H does not think his EA is an affair and I knew it would be hard to get him to understand why I was stopping the sex. BUT..by saying he is emotionally connected to OW puts it in a whole different light. Even if he tries to deny it to me, H will know it's true, which is all that matters.

Look forward to seeing you on FB - I'm pretty easy to find.

Sandi- Thanks for checking in. I didn't go home yesterday, not up to it. I'll return today. H is at work til tomorrow so it gives me some time before I have to deal with him. I am very lucky to have an extremely understanding boss so work isn't a problem. I plan on returning tomorrow and hopefully be able to concentrate to get some stuff done.

One day at a time. My new motto (at least for now). Today I feel a bit stronger than yesterday. Every little bit of strength helps. I am trying to gear my mind to focus primarily on me and my S.