O go to a church weekly but I am not a member and I really havent looked into one...I went once, but I get off of work so late and I dent get home till like 830...I still have a teenager at home dont want to leave her alone in the evening....I just didnt feel comfortable....nothing she did or said....I dont know just going thru a tough time right now I am sure it will go away as it always does.....this must be one of those rollercoaster rides....thanks for caring off to bed
BND, I dont even think about dating....I am done .....been married almost all my life.....I was 16... I never had a teenage life you think I would of been the one going thru MLC....ANd I havent called him nothing....I miss him so much....not this new whatever he is but my husband...do you see the old husband sometimes after his return? Not the bad stuff, but the good man he used to be.....praying for you for your family.gOODNITE
Hugs...what are you doing to GAL? I see that it has been 2 years so I know you must be ready for some things to change in your life. But you'll have to make it happen.
The negative feelings about aging, in the midst of being rejected, are sooo normal. Goes with this whole thing. As for the "mlc" title...well, it can help to explain some behavior if the person we loved seems very different. But it isn't much of a help as far as lessening the pain. Sometimes it gives people more hope in their situations. If your h really is acting out of character, but it has gone on for awhile, this may be who he is now. But if it's short lived, like a few months being late paying CS but getting back on track soon, that's a whole diff thing. Time will tell but you are correct, you must put the child first and not your pride or fear of making him mad (as if that would make things worse...he IS gone after all). So if he hasn't paid up, what were you supposed to do? Did you try to contact him to say, "What's up?" Do what you have to do to get CS. Do you get any other money? Was there a settlement or a home to sell? Sorry don't know your whole sitch.
Back to you and GAL, I know you are busy and it sounds as if you need the time you are home, to be with your d. I get that and agree. (Does your h see her at all?) Regardless, you do need to model, for HER and for you, that life goes on and that having a man leave, does not end your life. Someday she'll be hurt also. And she'll need to know that she'll be alright and will laugh again, and maybe love again.
So now's a great time to think about whether there are any activities you did not do that you wanted to do before, or groups to join, or subjects to learn about or classes you wanted to take (even online if need be -but getting out of the house is sooo good for you even when you don't feel like it-force yourself to do it and you will not ever regret getting off your fanny and GAL out there...life is happening and don't you want to be a part of it? YES!) You will need to take charge of your life and get it going. No one else will.
Financially do you have a retirement plan? Are you legally div yet? What are you waiting for? I am not saying you should file, I am simply wondering how you are managing financially and if there is an advantage to waiting or filing or what you risk by not filing.
Sorry you are here...
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Finished reading your thread. First off, as Snodderly says, your h is recreating and finishing old business from when he was YOUNG....yay!!
Except he is not young and he has 2 kids whom he once loved (and still does). And he is losing out on so much. He'll see OW's kids and for each "moment' in their lives, he'll know he is missing that same one with his own children and he'll resent OW for costing him so much. It'll take time. But it'll happen.
As for you being a lousy wife...um, let me see. SO, your h was only acting all those years he played with the kids and celebrated holidays and went on vacation with you? He was only pretending to be happy? It was all a lie? He was always miserable...and never felt truly himself...
Gee, he should win an OSCAR!! He missed his calling. Why is he in Georgia and not Hollywood?? Tell him quickly, "GO WEST b/c YOU ARE THE BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD!"! All those years you only believed he was happy b/c he ACTED as if....please....give me a break.
But now, You must file for money. This is not good for your kids and won't they want to go to college? How will they do that when he helps OW refin her own home? I am wondering if you and the kids would be better off by having filed already. (I have 2 family members who div and remarried their exes years later so it does happen) and God knows in your h' sitch, he is quite capable of returning to an old flame, so to speak so I don't see why it would "END" everything to at least get an enforceble agreement in hand. Besides, look what not filing has cost you...is his stuff still there? If so, sell it and get the money and make him get any "excess..."refund.
You are not serving yourself or your children by allowing this insanity to continue. And you did contact him to give him a chance to explain (like if he had lost his job or something) and he didn't have the respect to even answer you.
BTW, I am not a fan of telling WAS's that you'll always be there. His answer was not an appreciative one and I did read your comment as meaning that no matter what he does, you'll take it and more...I know you didn't mean it that way, but that's how I read it and I don't think it comes across as attractive.
The phrase "Fake it til you make it' may need to be your new internal motto. You don't believe it now but you must become a woman only a fool would leave .Which means being upbeat, GAL, feeling strong and having faith that no matter what your h does, you are going to be just fine. Make that a reality b/c as I said earlier, your kids will face heartbreak some day and you are modelling for them, how to handle it. Show them what a gracious woman with dignity does when faced with betrayal and setbacks. She does not pine or whine, she does not become bitter; she becomes better. She moves forward and graciously accepts what she cannot change, while taking charge of her own life, b/c no one else will or should.
He'll know you are diff, b/c he'll see one or both of the kids and he'll hear news of you or the kids, and he'll be able to tell when he talks to you. You are not the same woman and you are a better improved version.
Take care of the money and feel NO SHAME in that. You are doing what mammals do for their young and no less. (Shame on HIM for not doing so.) But you have to address this and not fear that you'll "lose him" if you take care of your offspring. This is their entitlement; not yours to give away to keep the peace, and not his to squander. Good luck, You really will be alright. But you do have to take charge of your life now. (and see my signature. Forgiveness isn't about his conduct being okay or telling him you forgive him. He doesn't even have to know. But It's about freeing you, and not letting him or his actions affect your day or feelings about life or what you eat or think or do or how your day or hour goes...it's about you letting go of all the pain and choosing happiness instead. Make sense? Read Marianne Williamson on "Return to Love" if you need exercises on forgiveness. WIthout it, nothing else good can come. (( hugs ))
J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thnaks for your advice....I know I have been in this for over 2yrs. now and it really is getting better.....I do have a job fulltime job and while at work I stay very busy so i dont have time to think about him.. And here lately it feels go good to have long periods of time not thinking about him.I know I sound pathetic in here but I really am not... I do have a life and doing things with my daughter I never did while we were together. He never calls either of our kids and they are very hurt by this... he always wants them to call him first.....control thing I guess. I know in my heart that he will never be the same man before this happened...but I have lots of good memories, and a history together. I guess I come across as me being stuck as I was in the beginning and I come here to write what i feel kinda a like journaling.....but thank you for your response. The reason I say he was acting is because maybe he never got over her after all told me " all the old feelings came back when I saw her again" that sounds like to me it never really ended for him in his heart.I guess I am just being stupid...but really I have gotten a life i.e. we went camping for the first time in my life it was so much fun....I go out of town when I want to to visit family or whatever....gosh I must sound horrible sorry if I came across that way I gues it sounds like I am waiting by the phone or something...sorry I gave that impression...thanks again..
No worries! You don't sound pathetic. As for him waiting for the kids to call him, maybe it's control BUT I think that's b/c he feels as if he is a victim. They OWE him a call. All he did was..."find happiness"....so why is that being held against him? yeah, in HIS WORLD...that's what he did. But he'll run into other people or situations very very similar to his/yours and when he sees OTHERS cheat, it'll seem wrong...and it will occur to him..."Gee, maybe someone could argue that I am that way??" and he'll know it's true, even if he has rationalized.
The "acting" I mean is that he is now revising the marital history as all WAS's do. As in, They were NEVER happy they were ALWAYS miserable, they were only ACTING happy and fulfilled...so that's why I nominate them for Oscars. It's BS. They were as happy as they seemed to be, and if by some miracle they weren't, that is on them. You can only go by what someone tells you and how they ACT so if it was all an act, he ought to be in show biz and it would still not be your fault. It would mean he was lying all those years and how does that make you the bad guy and not him? So lose the "loser" stuff and start talking nice to YOU...
And you will be happy again. As you are already discovering. Glad you are GAL. I know our first winter without H i rented a ski place and it was hard to find and we had to drive in a blizzard w/o h, (had s20 with me) and the girls. I was scared b/c the car got stuck in the snow at night and I had NOT found the rental property...but guess what? We got stuck, really stuck, and went up to the house to ask to use their phone since my cell didn't work in the mountains...the address of the house WAS the rental....go figure.
We had a great time and later, I took a trip to Italy with my 3 kids, for the 25th anniversary H was too busy to get a week off for. A wonderful expenditure and I don't mind still paying on it. Best money I ever spent. THIS YEAR..we ALL went to Europe as a family. H too. He wanted back in to the family and though there were some adjustments and he still has to find a control streak in him, big time, I do see effort.
Sometimes GAL does 3 things at once. It makes you happy, shows your kids a future without their dad around that does not suck, AND sometimes it wakes something up in the WAS...soo important for you and your kids to GAL...
Good luck, and don't wait for him to do or call or say anything to you that helps you or the sitch. IF he needs you, whatever that means, he WILL call. No need to ever tell him you are waiting for him or he can count on you. Why should he be able to count on you? He has a woman....let HER be there for him. If she's so great, he won't ever need to call you. If she isn't, that's just too damn bad. He can call you THEN, and It'll be up to you to decide if you want to take the call. Has he remarried her yet?
In any event, Just get the dang money he owes you and your children. As fast as possible. The "bad economy" will be his excuse soon, so before he gets to that, demonstrate by law, he is in arrears and that will help you b/c when he does get new work, if he has lost his job, a garnishment is nice. You get it without wondering if he'll "Give" it to you. It is NOT HIS TO GIVE, these are his kids and the law says he owes it to them...so let's face those facts.
Anyhow, glad to hear you are doing so well. Keep it up. J-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just thinking about you Irma. Just wanted to pop in and say I am reading your thread and trying to keep up as much as possible and most importantly I am praying for you and your family. Keep believing and having FAITH!
To answer your question no divorce yet...dont know why he is waiting.....he wants a new life with someone else then go for it.....I am not going to file for one .... my children are not going to see a quitter as they see their dad,things got tough at home and he quit, they are going to start to see a new me, a stronger,better person,but the comment on that I will always be there for him is from my heart and I really do mean that.Why is it so bad to feel that way, he may not like me very much right now,but I will be there, of course it will be up to me at that time and I may feel different by then, but for now that is how I feel....as far as a divorce I could file if I wanted to...they are very affordable now a days....we dont have much to fight over no properties.... no money....nothing. I think he is just waiting for me to do it so he wont look like the bad guy... for right now he has a very long wait,I am sure she will be pressuring him soon to and then HE will have to do the dirty deed.thanks again
