LFH, you sound like your day got better. I'm glad.
Funny - our similarities continue - I have lost 25 lbs, so you are slightly ahead of me. I hit the gym tonight as well, had a great workout and ran a sub 8:00 mile. Really needed to get some frustration out.
I understand your feelings about your W asking you at the last minute to go on family outings. The more you can work on detaching by focusing on you, the less this will bother you. Sounds like you handled that situation tonight very well.
O.K….I finally confronted my W about suspected OM.
Here’s how it unfolded:
When I came home from the gym this afternoon my W was on the land-line phone, but she quickly ducked out to the lanai to finish her conversation. Very odd behavior I thought.
Later, I went to balance our on-line checkbook and found an odd charge from NJ (this is where suspected OM lives…my W travels alot to NY for business). The date of this charge is exactly when my W was on her “alone” vacation while I had the kids visiting my family in OH. Charges from Miami also appeared on that same day. How could she be at two places in one day?
A few hours later, I hit the caller I.D. button on the land-line phone and guess what? The suspected O.M.’s name and number appeared twice! They were talking while I was at the gym. This guy is one of her big bosses. He also made a surprise visit to my son’s birthday party back in May. I thought this was odd back then too.
With all of the secretive actions and behaviors my W has been displaying, along with all of the sexy clothes she’s been buying and all of her traveling to NY….I had to make my stand for my own sanity. I couldn’t take it any longer. EM and PM are dealbreakers for me.
My W denied any affair and was upset that I even thought she was having an affair. She couldn’t explain the charge in NJ, but explained her vacation was to the Cayman Islands (via Miami). I said to her that b/c of her mysterious behavior and the events from today, I had to ask her. She took it as an accusation. She said she would never do anything to risk her career. At this point, I thought I made a huge mistake, but I had to know!
This then turned into a relationship discussion, but we talked about things we never talked about before. She recognized many of the positive changes I have been making, but she reiterated that things are over and we can never reconcile. She only wants to cohabitate for the sake of the kids. She stated that if we were to divorce, she expected I would receive custody of the kids (my W travels too much with business). This scares her to death!
Here are some other items brought up during our conversation:
She thought I was having an affair, but never wanted to confront me with it. I guess I was doing too good a job at detaching? I was very mysterious with my whereabouts and phone conversations I guess?
When I didn’t ask her about her vacation, my W interpreted it as I didn’t care anymore. She said that she spent most of her time on the beach reading two novels. When I asked her if she enjoyed her trip, she said very much.
My GALing was actually pushing her to the brink of divorce. I guess it hurt her that I could move forward so quickly. She was ready to let go.
She reiterated several times that it’s over for us. She didn’t want a husband/wife relationship with me.
She said I looked very nice now that I lost alot of weight. I said she had a rockin’ body…especially in her purple bikini. She appreciated the compliment as did I.
She mentioned that she’s noticed alot of changes in me (all for the better).
I said that an open marriage wouldn’t work for me…she agreed. I also said that I wouldn’t stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the kids…she remained silent.
I expressed my hurt about the mean things she’s been doing to me for the past 3 months. She said “now you know how I felt for the past few years”. I said that I understood.
I mentioned that if I were her, I would have divorce me several years ago. She laughed.
I asked if she would consider going to the retrouvaille seminar with me as a last resort in saving our marriage, for the sake of the kids. She said “yes I would consider it.”
After this lengthy conversation, she headed to Target to do some shopping. She called three times while she was out. The last call was to invite me to dinner tomorrow night with her brother and sister-in-law.
Well guys, I don’t know if what I did was good or not. I feel good about it b/c communication was always a problem for us….and we finally communicated with each other. I am very aware that I have a long journey to travel.
Any thought out there? What should be my strategy going forward? I think I’m going with Sandi’s message of “becoming the best man I can…a man no woman would ever leave.” I also believe that I need to “kill my W with kindness” and show unconditional love and compassion. This is in God’s hands.
Good night, -LFP (I’m exhausted)
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Today has been pretty strange, maybe b/c the W is feeling little under the weather. She seems to be walking in a depressed state today. Not even the kids are bringing a smile to her face today. She even cancelled tonight's dinner with her brother and sister-in-law. Again, this all may be due to her stomach illness.
When I returned from golf this morning, my W showed me her passport to confirm her vacation to the cayman islands. She's hurt that I don't trust her anymore. Why should I trust her...she gives me no reason to anymore? It's hard to trust someone who says "I don't love you anymore" and returns their wedding ring. This in combination with strange behavior and situations makes if even that much harder. What does she think I would feel? Her thinking I'm having an affair shows that she doesn't trust me either. The only difference is that she didn't ask me about it.
Why would she be hurt if I don't trust her? Does she (somewhere deep inside) want to reconcile way down the road?
Any suggestions? She seemed so upbeat last night...that's why I thought yesterday's conversation went well.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Just stick with the plan. Her actions could mean a lot of different things. Might be good, might be.
I do find her need to show you her passport interesting. Don't know, maybe she is scared you think she lied to you. If she did not care about you, why would that matter to her? Again, may not mean anything.
Hang in there. And, what'd you shoot? I played last week, scraped it around, doubles the last hole, and shot 79.
I just finished re-reading one of your posts written to me. I think I did make a mistake by confronting my W about suspected OM. I let my emotions get the better of me...even though it did lead to a decent conversation thereafter. You warned me. It's really bothering me. She's been in a bad mood all evening...very distant and negative towards me. We'll see...I'm definitely not going to make that mistake again...I may never be given a chance to make this mistake again. Hopefully this wasn't the last nail in the coffin.
-LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
You raise a good point about the passport. One thing I did forget to mention about Saturday's converstation with the W was that I believe she wasn't completely truthful about the phone calls with her boss. When I asked if her boss had called...she said no. He was on the i.d. twice, but I don't whether the calls were incoming or outgoing. However, there were clearly two calls with this guy based on the caller id. She did not acknowledge any conversation with the guy. I became very suspicious when she ducked out of the room to complete her phone call when I returned from the gym.
Maybe she is caught up in a lie, and showing me the passport was a way go get out of it. Either way, this is a cheeseless tunnel for me. If there is another guy in the picture...the truth will eventually surface. Again, EA and PA are taboo for me b/c of my history.
This morning, I noticed the call log erased on all of the land-line phones. This episode has definitely pissed of my W. She was very cold to me this morning. She even loaded the coffee maker last night by herself, apparently not wanting me to prepare it for her like I have the last two months. Maybe I'm reading into this too much. Maybe I'm back to square one, or worse.
I know she does not want to be married to me anymore, she's only staying for the kids' sake. It's days like these where I don't want to remain married either. We both have suffered through all of this. I think only a miracle is going to save this one.
Any thoughts? -LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
O.K….I finally confronted my W about suspected OM.
Here’s how it unfolded:
When I came home from the gym this afternoon my W was on the land-line phone, but she quickly ducked out to the lanai to finish her conversation. Very odd behavior I thought.
Later, I went to balance our on-line checkbook and found an odd charge from NJ (this is where suspected OM lives…my W travels alot to NY for business). The date of this charge is exactly when my W was on her “alone” vacation while I had the kids visiting my family in OH. Charges from Miami also appeared on that same day. How could she be at two places in one day?
A few hours later, I hit the caller I.D. button on the land-line phone and guess what? The suspected O.M.’s name and number appeared twice! They were talking while I was at the gym. This guy is one of her big bosses. He also made a surprise visit to my son’s birthday party back in May. I thought this was odd back then too.
With all of the secretive actions and behaviors my W has been displaying, along with all of the sexy clothes she’s been buying and all of her traveling to NY….I had to make my stand for my own sanity. I couldn’t take it any longer. EM and PM are dealbreakers for me.
My W denied any affair and was upset that I even thought she was having an affair. She couldn’t explain the charge in NJ, but explained her vacation was to the Cayman Islands (via Miami). I said to her that b/c of her mysterious behavior and the events from today, I had to ask her. She took it as an accusation. She said she would never do anything to risk her career. At this point, I thought I made a huge mistake, but I had to know!
This then turned into a relationship discussion, but we talked about things we never talked about before. She recognized many of the positive changes I have been making, but she reiterated that things are over and we can never reconcile. She only wants to cohabitate for the sake of the kids. She stated that if we were to divorce, she expected I would receive custody of the kids (my W travels too much with business). This scares her to death!
Here are some other items brought up during our conversation:
She thought I was having an affair, but never wanted to confront me with it. I guess I was doing too good a job at detaching? I was very mysterious with my whereabouts and phone conversations I guess?
When I didn’t ask her about her vacation, my W interpreted it as I didn’t care anymore. She said that she spent most of her time on the beach reading two novels. When I asked her if she enjoyed her trip, she said very much.
My GALing was actually pushing her to the brink of divorce. I guess it hurt her that I could move forward so quickly. She was ready to let go.
She reiterated several times that it’s over for us. She didn’t want a husband/wife relationship with me.
She said I looked very nice now that I lost alot of weight. I said she had a rockin’ body…especially in her purple bikini. She appreciated the compliment as did I.
She mentioned that she’s noticed alot of changes in me (all for the better).
I said that an open marriage wouldn’t work for me…she agreed. I also said that I wouldn’t stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of the kids…she remained silent.
I expressed my hurt about the mean things she’s been doing to me for the past 3 months. She said “now you know how I felt for the past few years”. I said that I understood.
I mentioned that if I were her, I would have divorce me several years ago. She laughed.
I asked if she would consider going to the retrouvaille seminar with me as a last resort in saving our marriage, for the sake of the kids. She said “yes I would consider it.”
After this lengthy conversation, she headed to Target to do some shopping. She called three times while she was out. The last call was to invite me to dinner tomorrow night with her brother and sister-in-law.
Well guys, I don’t know if what I did was good or not. I feel good about it b/c communication was always a problem for us….and we finally communicated with each other. I am very aware that I have a long journey to travel.
Any thought out there? What should be my strategy going forward? I think I’m going with Sandi’s message of “becoming the best man I can…a man no woman would ever leave.” I also believe that I need to “kill my W with kindness” and show unconditional love and compassion. This is in God’s hands.
Good night, -LFP (I’m exhausted)
BINGO. There's your obstacle.
Notice I said "obstacle," and not "problem." Affair partners may not be the main problem in the marriage, but make no mistake, they ARE the biggest immediate obstacle. So long as she's in contact with this guy (and it sounds like it's gotten pretty deep), she won't be receptive to your changes.
I think your plan moving forward is to continue to work on your own positive changes, all the while insisting that you will NOT live in an open marriage.
I would also document all of her spending, in case it comes to that. A family court judge is NOT going to look kindly upon her squandering family assets on her boyfriend.
I am troubled by what appear to be her attempts at concealing information from you. Not surprised, just concerned. Do you have solid proof of an EA/PA? If you did, it seems that would change your approach to this sitch - would it? If it truly is a dealbreaker (not blaming you if it is), then it seems you need to find out if that is, in fact, going on.
If it is not a deal breaker, then would you approach change? If your approach would not change, then you have to decide about whether you want to find out about any EA/PA. Tough call, and I think Puppy, Coach, Sandi could guide you better than me.
I suspected it in my case. I did a little snooping (which I have since stopped - just too painful) and did not find any evidence. Anything's possible, just don't think that is present in my sitch.
There are a lot of different possible explanations for your W's behavior, including that there is no reason. Could be she is mad you accused her of something that is not there (maybe it is, and it's her guilt/defensiveness). But, the reasons don't matter (you know this already). All that matters is how this might affect the way you work on you.
Don't know if that answered any of your questions. Just my take.
