WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Deep - I didn't see your latest post when I posted the above. Thanks for sharing more of your thoughts.

My 'mistake' as I stated earlier was exposing her before I gave her a chance to end it or react in any way. I assumed she wouldn't end it and that the M was over in those first 48 hours after discovery. However, her MIL had already known something was going on with this friend of hers for a while and had been the one to originally tip me off. She also pushed me to investigate and monitor her to 'see what I am dealing with'. So, in her case, she basically already knew.

It was all so hysterically unfunny. I was so tempted to scream the truth many, many times.

This must have been hard - Now that you are trying to R I know your W appreciates your self-control after what I learned from Sandi.

I did tell a few close friends who she also knew, but that was more because I really needed people to talk to.

In my case I did the same - I needed people to talk to who knew both of us (and the OM incidentally). I also hoped that these people would influence her, but what ended up happening is that she distanced herself from them (from the WAW script).

It was one of those things I could never understand about W - was she that blind?

I have the same reaction about the OM and W's feelings for him, and everyone that knows us and OM has the same reaction.

I am sure that you, as I, both realized that the OM was giving her something she thought she was missing. In my case the OM is kind of the opposite of the one you are dealing with - kind of a failure in life that most women wouldn't give the time of day, but he was a big figure in our high school days and that is the connection with her. Overall he hasn't really hasn't done anything with his life.

I think she is reliving something related to our high school days through the EA. I was her first serious boyfriend and we got together just after we got out of high school and married 6 years later. I think she thinks she is 'missing out'. Also, if you read my previous post, her life has been very dominated by fitness activities and OM used to be a personal trainer so they had that connection (and incidentally she is violently against talking to me about the subject - no coincidence).

Also, OM has never been married and has a kid with a woman he lives with at least part time as far as I know. He had told us that they don't have a relationship outside of being co-parents (same thing my wife wants with me coincidentally!). It is funny, but he was 'friends' whith the mother of his kid for a few years while her marriage was falling apart from what I can tell, and as soon as the H moved out OM moved in and they had the baby at some point after that. I told W he is following the same pattern here with her but she is blind.

Detatching - I agree there is some sort of magic balance to this and it proabably depends on the individual situation. If you read Mort Fertel's material, he doesn't advocate detatchment as much but does tell you to monitor how much contact is really effective so that you don't push the WAS away, simimlar to the recommendations you see in DR/DB. It all just depends. I think that doing fun things together is probably a good thing most of the time as long as I am not too overbearing. I had the chance to show at the party that I am a fun guy that gets along with lots of people etc etc (she knows this), and that it might be fun to have me around these people more.

Also, we are going to Florida next weekend with D15. She had been waffling about going but I think she is committed to going now. It will be intense spending all this time together, but it is an opportunity for us to just relax and enjoy the trip with the other families that are going (we are taking D15 to a tournament). These are the things we used to do a few years ago and it was always fun. I need to just be there without putting pressure on her about anything.

And hang in there. Up to June 08, I would have called you insane if you described my current sitch (with its challenges still of course). Absolutely no chance I would have said. Turnarounds when they come can be unexpected and 180 too.

Your story is indeed inspiring. Given how my W is acting the past 9 months I have a lot of trouble seeing how she breaks out of this funk she is in about our M, but I guess you never know what can happen when considering what you have gone through. There has been some serious damage done for sure, but in the end I maintain that I can forgive her if she decides to recommit to the M. OM is one problem, but the other is that she can't seem to have any hope that M can be better. I need to just stick wtih the program and work on myself to make me a great catch for her or someone else.