Just in case @rob is out there, this isn't a "woe is me" post, it's one looking for practical guidance. For the record Rob, I don't fear wife, my mode is to protect the kids and do what's right by them... But, I digress...
Here's question/issue (and it's got elements of what's happening over on @antler's thread, too, in terms of how much flexibility I should be willing to show so that it DOESN'T appear that I'm being an a$$hole or inflexible in eyes of W... What @gucci and @greek, I think, have been saying to him...) So, here is sitch...
W doesn't talk to me, she leaves me notes, which, admittedly, pisses me off (see comments above about her note to me telling her I need to save her relationship with S14, who is still relentless, or I "might as well stab (her) for him").
Yesterday, she left a note for me with two months of calendars attached to it showing "A's" for me and "W's" for her. It is, I guess, how she has decided we should take "primary responsibility" for the kids as if we were physically separated and/or legally divorced. We are not. Her main reason, it turns out, is that she feels "lonely" when we sit down as a family to dinner because, she says, that is when S14 "picks on her the most". Well, (a) that isn't true, but (b) per @gucci's assessment on another thread, it IS her perception. And when he does, I come to her defense BUT only to the point of chiding him for his packaging, not for what he is saying, but for how he is saying it; she wants me to go further than that, but I will not; he has a right to his feelings whether she likes it or not.
But, I AM torn; part of me would be very happy to have such a schedule but I also KNOW, because of what they've said about similar things, that the kids will be very hurt, angry and confused by this. What she thinks will make her happier/more comfortable will not. If anything, S14 will be ALL over her for this, but that is not my real concern. I don't care if she is uncomfortable while we are under the same roof, especially if it makes my children more uncomfortable.
While I would welcome the idea of having time to go out with friends, I do not like the "rigidity" of this idea as long as we are still living under the same roof. I don't mind the idea of having nights where one or the other of us has "primary responsibility" for the children and the other CAN be scarce, but I don't think I should HAVE to make myself scarce if I do NOT have other plans while this is still my home (indeed, as I understand it, she wants to rent a home... she hasn't left that note yet)...
Am I being too inflexible by taking this position? Until there is an order of divorce, (or whatever it will be called), I don't think I should HAVE to make myself scarce from my own home half the time just because she is uncomfortable about the choices she has made.
Thoughts?
Thanks,
AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
While I understand what you're saying, and agree with you that you "shouldn't have to" make yourself scarce in your own home, I think you MAY want to considering doing some variation of what she has proposed, at least for the next few weeks -- since the tensions are so high
I know, I know, Puppy? making a COMPROMISE, and going all soft here???
No, I'm just being EXPEDIENT, and thinking about the kids and the toxic atmosphere in the home right now.
Also, I think both of you should make EVERY EFFORT POSSIBLE not to have conflict when the family sits to dinner. I'm really old-fashioned about this, and think that the family's dinner time should be a time of peace and goodwill. You can think about scheduling a "family meeting" if there's something S14 -- or anyone else -- feels they want to say.
I can only wonder where she gets her ideas. Does she go to an IC? Is this method one that has been shown to ameliorate a situation such as yours? Because, to me, it sounds counter-productive. It is the same as drawing a line down the center of the house and saying "don't step over the line". Except she is dividing the time, not the space. Of course, division is not the solution to family problems. The solution is working in unison, being a team.
I understand her frustration with S14. My S25 and I argue a lot. He has his Dad wrapped around his finger, and he never pulls his hissy-fits, demanding behavior, and angry storms with his father. But I get them almost daily. I REALLY wanted to divorce S25 constantly from about ages 15-23. And we never solved the problem. We went to a counselor for it, and she took the position that S25 was normal, but we needed "help", which she was very unsuccessful at giving us. So, yes, I understand her frustration and sympathize with her on that, but I don't see being left alone with S14 1/2 the time as the solution.
If you could find a good family counselor, maybe she could give you some ideas on how to work together to improve the family dynamic. It is really hard. We never solved the problem of dealing with S25. He just grew up. I am still relieved each time he leaves for the weekend.
While I understand what you're saying, and agree with you that you "shouldn't have to" make yourself scarce in your own home, I think you MAY want to considering doing some variation of what she has proposed, at least for the next few weeks -- since the tensions are so high
I know, I know, Puppy? making a COMPROMISE, and going all soft here???
I agree with that; I am happy for us each to have the flexibility; it's the "forced scarcity" that doesn't work...
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
No, I'm just being EXPEDIENT, and thinking about the kids and the toxic atmosphere in the home right now.
BTW, it isn't all that toxic; that's the irony. That is her perception. Other than W, there is lots of laughing and joking at the table.
And, the conflict at the table is between S14 and W, not me and W (though that, mind-read-ingly, is projected on me because she can't accept that what he is saying is coming from his heart and not from my lips).
And, we're safe from that conflict for 3 weeks as S14 left this morning for three week hike in the Pacific Northwest (I confirmed with his psychiatrist that she was okay with him leaving; it's double-edged sword... they both need a break from that conflict, but I worry about a BP kid being alone with his thoughts for too long... Maybe @Hoozh would have some thoughts on that?)...
But, this is great advice and so simple, if S14 can abide by it... I will keep this in my hip-pocket for his return.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
...I'm really old-fashioned about this, and think that the family's dinner time should be a time of peace and goodwill. You can think about scheduling a "family meeting" if there's something S14 -- or anyone else -- feels they want to say.
I like that...
Thanks,
AlexEN
Last edited by AlexEN; 07/12/0904:25 PM.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
When does she leave? I can't remember why the bomb was dropped with the kids if she is continuing to live there. Can you catch me up on that? We told kids about three days before H left so they had enough time for it to sink in but were not stuck living with both of us under those circumstances. Divorce is a big scary word that conjures all kinds of ideas for kids (and grown ups of course)...what they need to know is how their lives are going to be more functional and healthier.
When does she leave? I can't remember why the bomb was dropped with the kids if she is continuing to live there. Can you catch me up on that?
She leaves who knows when... There are economic considerations... We own a lot on which we were going to build a house; can't sell it in this market. It's an albatross. She is moving (present tense, because it isn't happening quickly) into the basement guest room. Bomb dropped now because oldest starts HS in August and we wanted him to have time to process before starting school.
Originally Posted By: aliveandkicking
...what they need to know is how their lives are going to be more functional and healthier.
Hmmm... Not sure I see how, nor do they. That's why the boys are all over her for her selfishness. The fact is their lives were not dysfunctional nor were they unhealthy. Compared to the average American household, there was probably far less discord, fighting and yelling in our household...
Not enough has been figured out (she doesn't comprehend, or chooses not to, the economic ramifications) to tell them how their lives will be more functional and healthier than they are today...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I do not understand why they were not simply told that mom is moving into the basement to get some space and reduce the tension.
I know this is not your fault but even with H out of the house, we have not discussed D. What is the point if she is still there and wants to cohabitate?
I'm sorry. I doubt this is constructive, it just seems like a cart before the horse situation. ALL of this should have been worked out pre-kid bomb IMO.
So, back to the present...what is in the best interest of the kids? They need you guys to get organized and get a healthy rhythm going. What do YOU think is the best solution.
See, now I might have told the kids Mom was moving to the basement so she could fold the laundry more easily. And my kids would have believed that! A&K is right. The only reason I can see to bomb the kids now is so she can set her feet in concrete that she is getting a divorce. If that is the case, she has earned the kid's retribution, whatever it is. There are consequences to actions, and she is not so powerful as to control that. I'm surprised that the C didn't warn her of this situation. The choice was hers and now the consequences are hers. But I'm not sure that I would just sit by and wait patiently for her to move to the basement. If it were my H, I would have his stuff boxed and sitting outside the bedroom door.
