WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Sandi - thanks again for your time and enery trying to help me out.

she "can" have an EA and it doesn't mean it is a physcial need she has

Thanks - this is what she has been telling me. She says things like "it isn't THAT kind of relationship" or something to that effect. However, from what I learned there is a lot of sexual joking/tension that goes on between them in their discussions.

I'm not sure if you mean that you have expressed your changed attitude/improvements or not.

Yes - originally at the Retrouvaille weekend where I kind of had this epiphany about some of the hangups I had and old resentments. Probably the primary time it comes up over hte past few months in discussion is when I make the point that the OM is what is ending the marriage, since my own changes had a chance to influence her if an OM wasn't in the picture, but now that there is one my changes have no impact and just make her more angry. Then again, without the OM I wouldn't have made the changes, so if we survive I will be thankful for the OM in many ways and have told her that as well.

Other than that, I don't blatantly discuss my improvements, I just do them. It turns out that the issue in question isn't even an isssue that much anymore since she has really backed off of her workouts and interaction with this group, but still is doing something with them 5-6 times a week.

Try to think another way you could have found out the information without it giving her the power over you in this situation. Even if you said, "What are your plans?" That would not have made you sound as if you were at her dispensure to use as a babysitter or kick around.

It is kind of funny you mention this since that is exactly how I felt while I was having this discussion with her - like a doormat! There was a party with this same group a while back and she went alone without any kids. However, this party was a kid-oriented one in some respects and the invitation was for all of us.

The Party:

It was a great time, but I didn't have a lot of interaction with the W but we did have fun dancing. I have known many of the people there for many years, but there were also many people there that W is good friends with that I don't know. The interesting thing is that she didn't make an effort to introduce me to anyone, but the women she knows came up to me to meet me. They were probably curious about who W's husband is since I am never around when this group trains or works out. When I got there, she was standing talking to 3 men, and as soon as I walked up they all scattered which I thought was interesting. We took separate cars because she needed to get there earlier to help with food, etc so I brought the kids.

Today I asked her and S17 a question about who one of the people were that I didn't know, and her comment was "If you had gotten more invoved a couple of years ago with this group you would have known everyone" (implying that sine I didn't she now will not LET me know them or get involved).

Why would she react this way? Read on...

My W has a big mental block about my interaction and involvement with this part of her life (her training group). For several years it was a source of resentment - she was spending so much time with these people and would plan her life around training/exercise and my son got involved as well. Everything kind of blew up in the Fall when my son got burned out and quit (with my and all of her family's support) and she was fuming (I think she toook a lot of crap from the trainer also over it) and blamed the whole thing on me for not FORCING him to do it (he is 17 I said and can decide for himself what sports he wants to participate in). Incidentally right after this is when the EA began.

One of my 180s was to start getting into great shape (I had been at one time but got too busy over the years, not motivated etc). I had lost my job at the same time in the Fall, and chose a new one that had a much more flexible schedule so I was able to spend more time doing new things. I told her that I would love to start training/working out with her and this really pissed her off. She told me I would NEVER be involved with that part of her life. She said that is her time with her own friends and it would be the same if I went golfing all the time with a group of people. I told her the difference is that what she is doing invovles many couples as well as single men/women. Golfing is typically a group of guys.

Anyway, she has been so angry about this subject that she won't even answer questions about her daily exercise - for example I ask "how far did you guys run today?" or " what body part did you work on with your weight training?" or "where did you guys ride today and how far?" and her answer has always been (over the past 8 months) "Do not ask me any questions about my training - you are not involved and it isn't any of your business...". It turns out that this was one of the things she used to talk to OM about every day (what she did, how long, how she felt physically, etc) and she was also 'helping' him to get in shape by calling him every day to wake up and work out.

Anyway, she has a lot of resentment built up and I have quit trying to get involved and just do my own thing, but I still on occasion ask her about what she is doing and how she is feeling, but it is less and less as time goes on.

Someday she might wake up and realize that we could enjoy doing this stuff together now that I am in shape, just like other couples. In fact, women at the party said it would be great for me to start coming so that more husbands were there (W didn't hear this which is probably good).