thanks. I agree with you. I have some blame. I do believe BF was so miserable and he was making things difficult. I absolutely do give him some blame, in fact imo it's more than 50%. But knowing that will not help the sitch.

I got a raw deal in the M also. H cheated. He was confused for so long. I did the classic everything wrong initially which led to him moving out. I discovered this site and read the books. I turned myself upside down becoming a better person. I had to take the lion's share of it all. I have to admit that DBing can work. But in my case, H came around too late for us. He turned up in my life as an exh after I had gotten involved w/ bf. I had been dreaming of that moment for 11/2 yrs. By the time it happened I was just not on board anymore. A choice btween a man who had put me thru the worst experience of my life. Or the bf who I was a doll and was my rock of support and understanding. A man who I had no bad history with whom I was having a ball with. I chose BF, hands down. I have never had a moment of regret about the decision.

My BF was a total pita while he was sick. You may be right that he may not be willing to work on our r no matter what goes on. That is so sad.
And here I am, once again willing to shoulder the blame and make profound changes and make all the effort to save the r. I know that we had a lot going for us, and I do believe we can find it again. I hope time is on my side. I'm quite frustrated at times, but I feel my heart is still connected to him and I have no intention of moving on.

Before I got the cat, I was here often lurking on the boards. I identified with a poster in the I'm thinking of leaving section. Some of his comments really resonated with me. Rather than leave my own home, I caused BF to leave - same thing. For instance I was feeling that I did want to be happy and enjoy my life and did not think I had a willing partner in that quest. BF was the crankiest sick person ever, and if it had been days or wks rather than months, it would not have exhausted my patience. I absolutely do not miss those months in any way.
Rather I hark back to the time before he was sick, when he was my loving partner and friend. We felt like a good team and we were intent on building a life together. We had frank conversations about all kinds of interesting topics. He was thoughtful and easy going. We had a fantastic sex life. Our kids got along. We made a nice family together and did lots of fun things. That's the BF I miss and love.
I wish he would agree to CT. But he says he doesn't need a professional to tell him what he already knows. And nothing anyone says can change reality. So I can only hope to show small indicaitons to him in our random phone convos that may cause him to believe I would not disrespect him. I have been successful in small ways. Initially he didn't want any contact with me, but now he does seem happy to hear from me - he even said he doesn't mind talking with me if I want to call again. He came to the house a couple months ago to get somethings and I couldn't help but throw my arms around him I was so happy to see him, and he did hold me back. His hand at the small of my back felt tender and intimate. His expression when he left was a man in great pain and confusion. But he is stubborn and has a lot of pride, so despite tiny positives, it will be uphill for me. And as always, no guarrantee for success no matter how much effort I make.
I really appreciate all the input and comments. So many wonderful helpful people here, as always.
blessings,