It's a Sunday, and the weekend days always seem very long. I have been trying to fill them with activities, but it feels like I am feeling a lot of burnout. I awoke at 7, but I "dozed in bed for another two hours. Then, I "dozed" again at 11. At noon, I finally snapped out of it and hit the gym.
I am still torn by this process of disengaging. As I mentioned in my previous posts, I am trying to figure out a way to inbteract in some manner with my wife. We have had only one or two short phone conversations in the last month and only one face to face about a month ago. I am doing a lot of work on myself, but it's very frustrating to have absolutely no sense of her situation.
I really miss spending time with my best friend. I know that I had a lot of shortcomings as a husband. It is so painful, after four months of this, not to be able to share some of the things that I have learned.
I really have a strong urge to call her just to say hello and ask how she is doing. I'll probably just get her answering machine because I think that she is screening her calls (I'm not absolutely sure). I guess that, if she is screening her calls, that's a very strong indication that she does not want to talk to me at all. I guess if I had any brains, I'd get the message.
This is so very hard because, four months ago, she said that she wanted to live alone. She said that tehre was no other man and that she did not feel like she could live with anyone else (see th earlier posts). At the time, she said that she still loved me, but that she could not live with me. When we were together, I thought that we really could talk to each other. Now, it's like she's just vanished into thin air.
I have this compelling urge to try and reach out and find out how she is doing. All of the reposnes that I have received, except one, tell me that I shouldn't do it.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
I really miss spending time with my best friend. I know that I had a lot of shortcomings as a husband. It is so painful, after four months of this, not to be able to share some of the things that I have learned.
cville, I hear you. Man, do I hear you. Telling her what you've learned will probably mean little to. Showing her? Better. Sustained over time? Best.
My wife is not ready to talk or listen. So I choose to not waste energy on something she is not receptive to right now. As I said on givingitmyall's thread a few days ago:
Originally Posted By: Gardener
It also has helped my resolve to realize that when my wife finally wants to discuss our relationship - and only then - it will indicate that she is at the point of wanting or being willing to hear what I have to say, too.. And not until then.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Gardener: Thanks for the reply. I refrained from calling her on the phone, but I did cheat and send her a very brief email. In the email, I asked if it would be okay to call her sometime and to find out how she is doing. I said that I enjoy talking to her. I tried to be very positive and not say anything more.
I've read a lot of posts about going dark as a 180. If she does not reply to my email or if she tells me not to attempt to contact her at all, I guess that's what I have to do.
I have seen two different mential health professionals in the last two days. Both of them basically told me, "She's gone." One of them told me that I was pounding my head into a brick wall.
I have to agree with them. Sooner or later, maybe I'll start believeing it deep down inside. Right now, I'm just not at a point where I can fully accept it.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
It seems to help my mood to post things on this site.
I’m very reluctant to respond to other strings at this point because I have not totally bought into the divorce-busting philosophy. I guess that I need to give it more time and to follow the script a lot more closely.
If you have read my earlier posts, I have been guilty of some backsliding in terms of disengaging, and I have had a lot of trouble with the concept of going dark. I guess I can understand the reverse psychology of it, but there is a part of me that refuses to let go of my desire to contact my wife. I need to find the will power to do that and to stick to it-somehow.
I am not a very patient person by nature, so I probably am not giving myself enough time. I talked to a counselor today, and he said to expect that it will take about nine months to get over a divorce from a marriage of twelve years at a minimum. It’s only been four months. He said that it is okay to be sad. I am beyond sad in that I have been in a depressed funk for at least two years. I am getting my meds changed, starting today. We’ll see if that helps.
Part of my problem is that I am so focused on the past. I actually find that thinking about the future is very intimidating, and I do not get a lot of pleasure from it. Like everyone else, I’ve seen my retirement get shot to hell. I have a job, but the contract that I manage expires in two years. I am convinced that it will be very, very difficult to find something comparable to what I have now in terms of salary, seniority, and benefits. I live in a university town, and we have PhD’s waiting on tables. It is a ridiculously saturated job market, and I work 65 miles from where I live. At this point in my life, I am very apprehensive about breaking free financially from the marriage, trying to buy a house, and trying to retire at some point when I am about to lose about half of what I own in a divorce. We have not drawn up the papers yet, but that’s where the wife seems to be going.
I guess that there are a lot of positives to be had from living on your own. You don’t have to worry about “room mate” hassles,” you are your own boss, and you can set things up like you prefer. I know that I am capable of these things because I did it before, after a divorce from a marriage where I had three young kids. I know that I can do this. The problem is that I do not yet want to do this. I do not yet want to be on my own. I was comfortable in my marriage, too comfortable; I was complacent, and that is what turned off my wife. I was pedantic and patronizing. Although I loved her in my own fashion, I have come to realize that it was not what she needed.
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
It seems to help my mood to post things on this site.
I’m very reluctant to respond to other strings at this point because I have not totally bought into the divorce-busting philosophy. I guess that I need to give it more time and to follow the script a lot more closely.
Hey, man!
Do you buy into the philosophy that when you focus less on your spouse and more on yourself, you can start making your life enjoyable again? That's DB'n. Do you buy into the philosophy that regardless of what happens with your marriage, it is you who are responsible for your own happiness? That's DB'n. Do you buy into the philosophy that you can identify ways to achieve happiness independently of your relationship? That's DB'n.
Man, you are the only one who can make yourself happy! If you've lost sight of this fact, then you need to identify ways to refocus your attention and energy onto yourself.
Start DB'n.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
antlers & Gima: "Man, you are the only one who can make yourself happy! If you've lost sight of this fact, then you need to identify ways to refocus your attention and energy onto yourself."
You guys have hit the nail right on the head. I have lost sight of this fact. Maybe I have never fully embraced it ever in my life.
What are some of the things that you folks have done to refocus energy and attention onto yoruself? Please share. I've gotten back into exercise and joined a social club. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon in terms of getting over her..
M 57 W 52 Married 12, Together 14 No kids by this marriage 2nd marriage for both
antlers & Gima: "Man, you are the only one who can make yourself happy! If you've lost sight of this fact, then you need to identify ways to refocus your attention and energy onto yourself."
You guys have hit the nail right on the head. I have lost sight of this fact. Maybe I have never fully embraced it ever in my life.
What are some of the things that you folks have done to refocus energy and attention onto yoruself? Please share. I've gotten back into exercise and joined a social club. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon in terms of getting over her..
I've been playing co-ed softball, I've been doing more things with friends, I've been exercising...I've lost 90 pounds. I've been riding my bike regularly, anywhere from 10 to 50 miles...so far. I'm jumping rope too. I've been working in my flower beds and yard. I've been focusing more on my kids and my job. I've taken the kids on some nice vacations. I'm reading more too. It takes time...longer than you want it to, but you have to learn to be happy with yourself, first and foremost. You are expecting too much, too soon.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
