I disagree. It categorically does matter. For my "wife" to tell outright lies to her sister (and the gods know who else) -- indeed, to tell a story 180-degrees from the truth, to say up is down and left is right and white is black, does matter. Let's avoid the mind-reading, as tempting as it is. SHE chose to divorce me. It's not my fault the law says "spousal support." That's something she might have looked up. "Oh," says she, "well I didn't think you'd take it" -- and off we go on the Batsh*t-Crazy Express.
This situation -- here, now, regardless of how "started" -- is her creation.
So why lie? Why bring it up at all, if she can't tell the truth?
And let's mind-read a bit -- or project or forecast or whatever.
Because think about it this way -- just how much more complicated does that make the DB'ing process if one's goal is reconciliation? Why would she reconcile with someone -- whatever she might want -- whom all of her friends despise as a result of HER fables? What kind of relationship would she expect ME to have with HER friends -- and let's remember, WAW is nothing if not famously true and close to her friends -- knowing what they must think of me, as a result of HER TALL TALES?
If it's a strategy to prevent herself from entertaining thoughts of reconciling, it's brilliant: "Well, how would I explain this to the ladies? To my sister? I couldn't. Oh well!"
Of all the things I don't get, I don't get this the most. Outright falsehoods. Not spin, not lies by omission -- outright distortion. "Weekly Word News" stuff.
Why does it matter? Knowing this -- knowing that she lied so completely, to her own sister, how can I -- the undesirable LBS whom she can't be rid of soon enough -- how can I believe A...Single...Effing....Word....She....Says? It's her sister -- presumably she has no need to lie. Hell, her sister didn't even know what spousal support was! WAW could have said, "I'm p*ssed at SP because the law says I have to pay him alimony," or "This D keeps getting worse becuase now I've learned X," or etc.
But she chose to lie. To say, "SP says the sky is green," when I'd just prepared a notarized, 300-page, affidavit that my point-of-view is that the sky is blue.
*Knocking head against wall ----------------------------------
Made a catastrophic blunder today. Couldn't be helped, really, but for whatever reason I was so happy to have the trip with the kids I didn't think of the implications. Today Smiley's Person was just outside of Big Midwestern City. Today I went to a wedding. Bad juju.
First came the pitying looks.
Then came the female family elders with the clucking tongues and the "she must be crazy"s and the "my friend Sara has a daughter your age who'd be perfect for you -- now she's a little heavy but so sweet"s and so on and so on and so on.
Then came the exchange of vows, where everyone who is married is invited by the Man O' Cloth to think on the meaning of marriage and yada yada you know what happens next he busts out the Corinthians. And not the leather kind.
But okay, I keep it together, I man the battle stations, I accept the brutal reality of my situation, I handle it -- I've got two kids in tow, I TCB.
And the reception. Good and plenty. A little drink, a little eat, the kids are playing with the other kids, all is well. Now comes the OTHER elderly ladies, those I don't know, those from the other side of the wedding party as well as friends of friends with the nieces and the nephews who are (hushed voice) "going through what your going through, you know, divorce" and do I have any advice for them?
So that's a bit of a struggle, because I feel like I have a green head and two antennae and everyone is looking at me, but the kids are happy and D6 busts out with the Hannah Montana karaoke and is the hit of the evening.
And the evening wears on and the line forms to the left for the karaoke (yeah, I know, karaoke at a wedding reception? Well, everyone was happy, so why not?) when......
It happens.
I mean it had to happen, right? The D.J. only has 1,000 songs on his computer.
Someone sings it. The song. The song with HER name in it. The song ABOUT her name. The song I used to sing her, teasingly, when we were courting. The song everyone loves to sing along to.
Ho...Lee...Farking Fark! How the farking fark does this farking happen to me?
Just when you think you're detached. Just when you think, "Hey, I'm doing purrr-ity dam good" -- BOOM! If it's not a smell, it's a song.
You have no control over her actions, words.. anything. She can say that SP worships 4 legged octopods and there's nothing you can do about it.
The law determines what is considered fair and equitable. And, oops, learning about what doesn't seem fair is just part of the process. Kitty and/or cocky (depending on preference) is expensive.
And why would you believe what she says? Actions over time reveal the truth. That doesn't stop the belief, hope and questioning... or the startling change in life for all.
So she's committed to divorce, having sex, annoyed by the lifetime alimony, wanting to maintain any and all relationships on a 'friendly' basis. But she has no control over the legal system.. just hopes to juggle it to her way of thinking.
For what it's worth the discomfort over being the hot topic lessens.. primarily because a newer hot topic replaces yours. Having close friends and supportive family members all with unexpected 2x4 wielding purposes is helpful, too.
Hopefully what you're learning is improving who you are as a person, allowing you to become the person you're meant to be.
Hugs for the tough times, for the times the heart is tugged because this is one huge booboo that takes time to heal regardless of the outcome.
Because think about it this way -- just how much more complicated does that make the DB'ing process if one's goal is reconciliation? Why would she reconcile with someone -- whatever she might want -- whom all of her friends despise as a result of HER fables? What kind of relationship would she expect ME to have with HER friends -- and let's remember, WAW is nothing if not famously true and close to her friends -- knowing what they must think of me, as a result of HER TALL TALES?
Aargh, yes, it is a total set up. Just the other night H told me that one of his friends told him he will never talk to him again if he gets back together with me...well what the f*ck must he have told him/her??????
On the wedding...sh*t, so sorry. There are too many ways to be reminded of our "situations"...
Do you have friends who have been through it and are doing well? I'm starting to think that I need to seek out those people myself.
You know, Smiley, I know it hurts. But it warms my heart to hear how you felt. Because these days so many people are walking zombies with no emotions. They are out there shopping for the richest, best-looking, easiest road through life kind of mate. But that's not you. I am proud of you. I'm proud that you felt everyone one of those stings. You restore my faith in the humanity of man. You really do.
How did you survive a wedding? ughhh... Just what did they teach in those survival schools anyway?
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
Then came the female family elders with the clucking tongues and the "she must be crazy"s and the "my friend Sara has a daughter your age who'd be perfect for you -- now she's a little heavy but so sweet . . .
OMG, I nearly did a spit-take with my morning coffee on that one, SP!!
I just bailed on a couple of weddings for those very reasons...
And, on the topic of "the things they say", W coached her best friend (who just got divorced from very highly paid CEO (multi-$MM dollar)) on how she should show her monthly living expenses on an "expenses affidavit" as high as possible to make sure she can get every penny from him... And she told me this for what reason? Maybe I'm just sensitive to it because she's filling out the same form herself now... Can't wait to see it...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I just bailed on a couple of weddings for those very reasons...
And, on the topic of "the things they say", W coached her best friend (who just got divorced from very highly paid CEO (multi-$MM dollar)) on how she should show her monthly living expenses on an "expenses affidavit" as high as possible to make sure she can get every penny from him... And she told me this for what reason? Maybe I'm just sensitive to it because she's filling out the same form herself now... Can't wait to see it...
And like most men it sounds like you're cowering in fear because you have no rights in this world because after all you are just a man
SIGH....
No one can take you to the cleaners unless you allow them to. Men need to stand up for themselves and fight for their rights and one of those right is that they are equal to their wives and if their wives want to check out of their marriages than they must also learn to live without their husbands in all aspects including financially.
Get yourself a lawyer who supports this, if your current lawyer doesn't, drop them and find another.
You want things to change, then be the change in your life that influences change in others.
Stand up, don't be afraid to speak out, be a man, you have rights, you have power, make use of it.
You would be willing to be taken to the cleaners financially by your wife but you don't want to spend money legally to defend yourself against this - either way will be expensive: one is a way you choose the other is a way that is chosen for you - if you control your life you also control making decisions in it.
Man I read a million posts like this and I say to myself, these guys just don't get it - by remaining quiet & defenseless you allow this behavior, you authorize it and then you complain about how much you were taken advantage of when in reality, you allowed it.
