It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Went line dancing last night. A bunch of "old people" and "young kids". Not many my age, I felt a little out of place, but the dancing was fun and everybody was very nice. I might go again and take my Mom. But, I'll have to explore another option of meeting other single people.

S18 went into the city yesterday and spent some time with H and his GF and her S24. I asked what S18 thought of her and he said "she's cool". I so wanted to ask for more! What's she look like...... How does H act with her......... But I can't ask that. It makes S18 feel like he's in the middle. I shouldn't care anyway. It doesn't matter. But I still have a hard time not "grillin' him" for info......

I spent the day with my Mom today. We went to a street festival and lunch and then to the casino. Talked a lot. She said that she asked H why he had to resort to "the infidelity", and why he couldn't just stand on his own two feet and tell me if he was unhappy and wanted out. H's reply was to acknowledge that he had "gone about everything the wrong way". That's more acknowledgement of even a little "culpability" than I have ever got from him.

H was over at my house for a couple hours while I was out (I really think it's best that I am not around him for now). He left me a long winded message on my cell about work he did and plans to do on the house......said he'll e-mail me on it. So, it seems he is making an effort to live up to his promises now.

I have been thinking that rather than do a legal sepration, I may go ahead and do the D after my bankruptcy is done. H agreed to at least a 2 year legal sep, which would maintain my military benefits (I lose them after a year if we D), but I am thinking that it might be better for me (and him) in really getting closure if we go ahead and D. It's going to happen anyway, and I may as well stand on my own two feet now. Sort of take back responsibility for me from him, ya know? It would be a 180 for me and a really good "growth thing". I talked to my C about it on Wednesday, and he thinks it may be a good step too. It's scary, and I so hate that it has come to this, but I am really thinking that perhaps this is what I need to do.....for my own mental well being.

Feeling a little depressed tonight obviously. I was looking forward to "getting out there" with the dance lessons and such, and kind of felt like it was all a bust. If anything, it made me feel more lonely.

But, I'm not giving up...... I gotta figure out how to meet people my own age in similar circumstances....