First Timer

[wolverine1997]

My wife is bitter and hard to get along with. She gets angry at me for silly reasons.

She got upset yesterday when she got home from work and saw how my autistic son was dressed. I put him on a gray tee shirt and blue sweat pants (I see nothing wrong with it, we were just running errands). She said that I dressed him like he was retarded and that she had ironed a bunch of clothes for him and put them in the closet and I should have gotten them. Now granted, the other day I got a shirt for him out of the closet that she had put in there and she got upset because she said that the shirt I picked was too small for him. (If she knew it was too small why did she put it in the closet?) So no matter what I do I am wrong. When I pick out clothes for him she complains and when I pick out clothes that she leaves for him she gets angry.

When she gets like that I try not to respond but it is hard. I am getting better though. But it is frustrating when you have to deal with a crazy person. I really wish that she would pursue medical treatment for the depression.

[wolverine1997]

Another question for you all. Does depression ever go away on its own? Or, once you have it will you always have it unless you get help for it? Since she has been diagnosed with depression years ago she has gone down hill.

[wolverine1997]

Wife came home from work and hasn't said a word about the new window shades throughout the house. Normally I would have said something to her about it but I didn't. I am curious as to what she thinks but overall don't really care too much. Normally I would be all over her asking her opinion but I didn't. I am happy with myself for that. I definitely feel like I am making progress. I wonder if I can get my own decorating show now?

[sandi2]

Hi, I wanted to talk to you to let you know that I was concerned for you and your M stitch. I am so sorry about your son and although I've not had a child with the same problem, I do have a two children (grown now) who are disabled. One was diagnosed with a disease when she was a young teen. So, I've been on that end of the day to day stress and feeling very responsible for the future health of your child. Maybe it is just the make-up of "mothers" but I think maybe some take on too much of that burden on themselves instead of allowing the dad to share it with them. I think I did the same thing with our D b/c my H seem to stick his head in the sand instead of "dealing", so I felt as though I "had" to be the one to make sure everything was taken care of and that she "lived".

The real horror in your story is when your W was raped. IMHO, no woman can work though the nightmare of that ordeal without professional help. Maybe the "therapist" was not smart enough or perhaps their personalities clashed or whatever the reason....your W "ran" from the therapy sessions. Maybe the therapist was not experienced enough. Was this a "counselor" or what kind of therapist? Was this "rape" therapy?

She had already suffered from the post-partum depression and had not healed from that when she was hit with stronger depression of the problems with the son. Then the rape happened and that sent her over the edge. I'm really surprised she did not have to be hospitalized due to her mental/emotional condition. What did you do when she sat around the house like a zombie? Did you take her to the hospital?

As a woman, I think I could see why she would never want to have sex again. How could she when she was never able to emotionally work through the rape? She did try for your sake to ML and be a good wife. But, it got to be more than she could handle. It wasn't your fault, but she wasn't equipped to deal with it without professional assistance. I don't know if any woman could.

It seems that something "cracked" (for a lack of better words) in her thinking and was almost like a "survival" issue when she said she was going to take back her life. If only she had had some constructive help in doing that after the rape, then maybe she would be in a healthy place now. However, she wasn't healthy emotionally, so she tried to do it on her own terms and it has backfired. She went too far the "other" direction and now "appears" to be having MLC symptoms included. I said "appears" b/c I don't know that that is what's happening. She may be trying to escape her world and the reality of what has happen to her.

She may be going to bar scenes and the party lifestyle, but she won't be having sex with anyone......IMHO. I don't think she "can" until she can get help. She may "try".....but when it comes right down to doing it....I don't think she can go through with it.

These little "silly" things she grips about is only a cover-up of her real problem. You must know that. And of course she acts unhappy and mad all the time. I WOULD TOO! She has plenty to be mad about! All these years of this horrible stuff she's kept bottled up inside of her is coming out in other bad ways. I don't know how she's kept from losing her mind. In some ways, it may look as though she's NOT keeping her right mind b/c of the way she's living. I think her mental ability could no longer deal with her life the way it was and she wanted to escape so badly, that she took a completely opposite direction in what was "normal" for her. Do you see what I mean? This woman you see today is not who your wife is! Right? She is trying to be a different person b/c she doesn't want to be that raped victum. She's tired of feeling that responsibility for the daily grind of your son. Why couldn't she have a "normal" child like other people? Now she may not say this out loud, but I'll bet she's "thought" it. All parents who have a child with special needs think that at one time or another. And.....it is very physically, mentally & emotionally "draining" on parents. Most don't admit this to people b/c they're afaid of how they'll be judged......but the emotions are there, all the same.

After all this time, everything caught up with her and her mind and emotions could not handle it. Of course she's depressed! My God! How could she NOT be depressed? I don't think that type of depression CAN go away on it's own. She not only needs medication, but intensive therapy. It has been so long that it makes the situation even worse....I think. Time does not heal in these matters.....it only intensifies the problem. Perhaps you could not have physically picked her up to make her go to a doctor, but somebody needed to do something for this woman a long time ago. I know......a person has to be "willing". And....I know that you, as her H, felt helpless to a point. But, until she gets the treatment she needs.......I personally do not see any change for the better in the future. She needs professional help and that's all there is to it.

As far as people giving you advise as though she is a "textbook" WAW........I don't see how anybody could....b/c she certainly IS NOT a typical WAW. I don't see how she could even be thought of like that. If she "is" in MLC, that adds to the severe problem at hand. I feel very sorry for you, friend, b/c I don't know what to advise you. I only hope and pray that some way, some how, you can convince her to get professional therapy.

Take care,
Sandi

[drew7]

Depression does not go away on its own. In many cases of depression (such as dysthymia) depressive episodes come and go. Once an episode ends the depressed person often perceives they are better and back off on treatment or perhaps even rule out treatment that they considered during the episode but blow it off when the episode ends. The problem is when depressed people have episodes they have a higher chance of having more frequent and often more intense episodes in the future. It is very cyclic. Often times depressed people get medication but don't go to a counselor to work on some sort of behavior modification. My W is a good example. She is not getting any PTSD and depression counseling after a major tragedy in our family. As for your W she has been through a lot and that only adds to her depression issues. When depression issues and real life tragedies and issues (such as her being raped) happen in tandem the depressed person often wants to do nothing but run from their problems. They are so frazzled everything else needs to be dropped and not dealt with and all they want to do is run away and go into survival mode. The selfish overtly independent attitude is her smoke screen. Good luck

[wolverine1997]

Sandi, thanks for the comforting words. I tried and tried and tried to get her to go to counseling but she has always refused. We went to a family counsler on two seperate occasions for about three weeks each but she quit before we could ever get anywhere. From day one she was anti medication. She still has old fashioned stigmas about therapy and thinks that only "crazy" people need medication. She keeps saying that there is no "magic" pill that can make things better. I have tried to do everything that I know to do to help her. But no matter what, I always turn out to be the enemy.

I have sacrificed so much for her, our family and our marriage that at times I feel like I am going to go crazy. Up until recently I was a minister but stepped down from my position so that I could spend more time with my family.

Divorce is not an option for me. Because of my religious beliefs adultery is the only grounds for divorce. And I have no proof of that. And I doubt that she would do it. I don't think that she could if she wanted too. But I have to admit this, and I hate to say it but at times I wish that she would have an affair then I could end this. But I doubt that would happen.

I also feel guilty about the thought of leaving because I deeply love her and know that she is sick and needs help. And I would hate for her to leave me if I were sick and needed help. So I have resolved in my heart to do all that I can for her and the kids and put the rest in God's hands. I know that without his help I would never has progressed this far.

At the same time I have to live my life and take care of the kids also. So I can't let her just do whatever she wants. Sometimes I just wish that she would leave like she keeps threatening to do. I don't need her here to be miserable. I can be miserable all on my own. But I don't think that she will leave any time soon because she can't afford it. So I am trying to apply DR principles and hope that between God's help and basic DB steps something will click and she will see that I am not her enemy, that I only want whats best for her and our family.

Because of all the depression and psychological problems in my marriage I don't know if I should alter the DB principles or go by the book. I really don't know what to do. I just pray a lot and do what I think is right.

[sandi2]

((wolverine1997))

Bless your heart. I am so terribly sorry. I wished I knew what to tell you that would be encouraging. I can't imagination the frustration you must be going through. I have had to deal with "stubborness" in some of older family members, and some of the old fashion ideas about the same things as your W thinks. It can nearly make you pull your hair out! If you can't get through to a person's way of thinking, then there isn't much you can do. Outside of finding an adult mentally incapable of taking care of themselves, I don't know what to do, either. If she fights you when trying to get her to the doctor, etc., it seems your hands are tied. The only thing, if she ever gets in that "zombie" like state again, you could try to physicall move her to the car or have the ambulance to take her to the hospital. What would she do if you did not discuss it, trying to "talk her into it" but instead took her by the arm and put her in the car. I know you couldn't do that "now"....but if she ever become like she was before. That seems very scary to think of her being in that condition. Perhaps your own doctor could advise you what to do if that should arise again.

As far as the DB principles, they are as good as any I have every read......and I've read a ton of books on MR. The difference I find in DB is that it is not marriage-improvement, like most books.....but what one can do in trying to bust a D and survive the problems that arise in a MR. I have never seen where DB principles are contrary to what the Bible teaches, so I have never had a problem about that. Some people may differ about some issues, but that is my personal opinion. As far as to what to do where your W is concerned and the DB principles......as I told you before, she is certainly not the textbook example of a WAW, b/c of the terrible experience she had.....however, I do not see a better option for you to use.

I noticed Drew responded to your thread, and he has had some family issues where depression was a very serious problem.... and he could probably be helpful with that.

I know you worry about your children and the affects this will have on them. If bad goes to worse (whatever that may be) you know you have to put the sake of your children first. You are the only stability they have. I know you will not divorce "her", but you may have to consider separating if it is to shield the children from her lifestyle or erratic behavior. That sounds awful, but I hope you know that I am talking about "extreme" here. Is that why you stepped down from the ministry b/c of how she was living, or was it b/c of the problems? I am so, so, sorry. Do you have any minister brethern that you can confide in that could advise you what to do?

I know I am full of questions, but do you mind if I ask what her attitude was like when you decided to step down from the ministry? I just wondered if she felt guilty or if she acted like she cared?

I will certainly keep you in my prayers. God is still on His throne. You have had a lot on your plate, and He knows that. He has not forgotten you and His love has not changed since you stepped down from the ministry. As an almost WAW, I can tell you that God's forgiveness is as great as His love! I know that things have looked dark for a long time and it's probably those children that have kept you hanging on. Please don't give up hope. I have seen some pretty amazing things happen to people, so don't give up praying for your W.

Take care,
Sandi

[wolverine1997]

Sandi,

You really know what to say at the right time. Again thanks. Sometimes you just need to hear positive feedback from others to give you the motivation and strength to continue.

Now let me try to answer some of your questions. First, i don't think that she would ever go to that same "zombie" like state that she experience earlier on. Right now she is so deteremined to "take charge of her life" at all costs. She has told me several times that right now "she" is number one in her life and that she is focusing on making herself happy. She said that for years she has sacrificed things that she had wanted to do but no more. She then flip/flops into saying that she is focusing on the kids, and they are #1, etc. So I doubt that she will ever get to that point again but at the same time she still has no idea of what she is doing.

I stepped down from my position within the congregation because first, it allows me to spend more time with my family and second, with my wife not serving or attending anymore it limits my effectiveness and ability to teach and counsel others. Many could rightly question how I can give them Biblical direction and guidance when obviously my own family (wife) isn't living in harmony with God's word. Now, I must say that I have no evidence or even serious thoughts that my wife has done anything wrong. I don't think that she is involved in an EA or PA or anything like that. Now she does hang out with relatives and co-workers at times but her lifestyle is not outrageous. But it would be questionable behaviour though for a woman who professes to serve God. Her behaviour is not really bad, it is just below the standards that we both had always set for ourselves and had lived by for so many years.

When I told her that I was stepping down she was truly oblivious to the decision. She didn't care at all. She even told me that I should have done so a long time ago and that had I done so earlier I might not have lost my wife. She then told me that I only stayed in my position to keep up appearances. Needless to say this hurt and bothered me a lot. But me giving up a huge part of my life never affected her at all.

I do have minister friends who I have confided in and their loving help has been greatly appreciated. But even with that, it is very hard to dicuss such a personal situation with others. So often I suffer in silence. But, this is also how I know that prayer truly helps. As much as I keep things bottled up inside, only talking to God about them, I have been able to continue on. I know that this is only due to the power of God. I know that I have not been able to continue on this far just on my own strength.

I also believe that DR/DB principles are helpful as well. They have and continue to show me mistakes that I have made in my marriage and have helped me to see areas within myself that I need to improve upon. So regardless of what my wife does, I feel that I am becoming a better person.

I pray for my wife everyday and hope that at some point she will see that she needs help. I also pray that she will realize that she is giving up more than she can ever hope to gain with the current decisions that she is making. Again, thankyou so much for your kind words and your help.

[wolverine1997]

Left yesterday to take kids on weekend trip. Wife hasn't called me before or since we left. She has called daughter numerous times though to see what we are doing.

[wolverine1997]

Haven't talked to wife at all today. She told daughter that she is going to make the hour drive to visit kids tomorrow at hotel. She hasn't said a word to me. Took son to pool today. He had a blast. I think daughter misses her mom. She doesn't say a lot to me lately. Not mad at me, just think it is a "girl thing", not talking much. Just turned 13 a couple of months ago. It is soooooo much easier being a boy. All we have to do is learn how to fight. Going to bed now.