I'll answer my own question. No, I shouldn't bother asking. She doesn't want to talk to me anyway. All my asking is going to do is reinforce the fact that I bring her pain.
I woke up this morning with an unusual amount of clarity. It isn't her decision that bothers me so much as the way we're going about this. If she wants to leave, I can respect that. It's her decision. I get it. I'm mad that now I'm being treated like a total stranger. Worse, actually. Apparently she'd rather have nothing to do with me. I know somewhere in that foggy head of hers that it isn't really about me and that avoiding me is her way of escaping the horrific things she is doing. But, I'm still on the receiving end I have a hard time getting it. If she really wants to be gone, if this is what she wants, then it shouldn't be a big deal to talk with me.
I went to breakfast downtown this morning. Sat and stared out the window of the coffee shop for like an hour. Pondering. Thinking. Did the stupidest thing ever and texted her ... asked if we could just talk about what happens. Talk ... not a clinical discussion of who gets which CD, but talk like normal people. She agreed. Then I thought about it. It comes across as pursuit; as me trying to hang on. That isn't really true, I just want to be able to call her sometime down the road when something monumental happens. Wanted to exit with grace, not this cowardly way we're doing it now. In the end, I canceled. Figured there was no need to throw gas on the fire. She wants nothing to do with me. I get it, even if we all know she's hiding. I feel like an idiot. I know better than to make contact.
I'm going to keep reminding myself that she's gone. Do what I need to do. Keep moving. I pray for her all the time. I pray that God breaks her. I hate praying for it. I pray for her health and safety. And her well-being. And for whatever this is to be dealt with. Even if I don't get to see it, because it is good for her. God and I will be having words later. Crisis of my own coming. More on that later.
I've decided to take a 3 month regrouping period. I know it be longer. Spiritual, mental, emotional, financial, and any other -al I can think of. Time to regroup. Refocus. Find balance. Settle down. Heal. Rest. Cry. Whatever. I've got some ideas. More to come later.
