Yay!!!!! Finally a new thread.

[25yearsmlc]

Amen to what CG just posted. It is just fine, although sucky, to feel crappy at times and is NOT an indication you made the wrong choice. Geez, what choice is going to make you "happy" right now? You got a lousy hand and you are folding that one and going on to the next...so you'll do better soon.

(CG, I doubt the gf is "taking" your place. I have a feeling that she either is not attending at all, b/c somehow I think you are a hard act to follow, OR she is attending, cluelessly, and your h's family is acutely, and sorely aware of your absence...None of which is your problem.)

For both of you a sense of loss at your end is reasonable b/c it IS a loss for God's sake. And it does suck. But you may be able to retain something later on with the family. My bil left my older sister several years back and among the many regrets he had was that he lost us as well. But what is noteworthy is that although we DID drop him, it's b/c he broke our sister's heart without a good reason. She was the giver and he was the taker. (She has remarried and is happier now than she ever would have been with her first h, but it still hurt her and the kids deeply that he left. I have not seen him since he left though I hear about him thru my niece and nephews and he is not a very happy man...too BAD...)

In contrast, my oldest brother left a wonderful woman and their d, and we all told him he was a fool. Seriously we had so many discussions and he wanted to be right and for her to be "wrong"... He would not listen. He has remarried and now I can see why he left his first w. She had expectations of him. Normal, reasonable, healthy ones. But he didn't want to be married to someone who expected anything from him other than maybe fidelity. My brother has lots of good qualities but he's a lousy h. You could ask all of my silbings and my mother and you'd get a unanimous response. He's a lousy H. Not abusive, just very neglectful. AWOL....

Now my "new sil" is nice and very low maintenance with very low expectations of my brother. He meets those low expectations as he chooses to work abroad, in the War, away from her, 9-10 months of every year thus far. He's civilian so it is a choice, not a duty and this is now his 4th or 5th tour as he is addicted to the adrenaline but for the life of me, why'd he marry her at all? Don't know.
But his first W would have been miserable and he barely knows his only child though in his mind, he's a good dad b/c he calls her often and sends money...the point is, I am still in touch with my first SIL and we have vacationed together several times. She'll always be like a sister to me.
There were a few awkward moments with my brother at first, but he mainly understands that this is a good thing for his daughter or she wouldn't know US, HIS family b/c God knows he's gone enough....

CG, A/K, can you maintain some R's with your H's family? I'm proof that it can be done even when your own sibling is the idiot.

Surely it can be done when you aren't. IOW, I could understand if my sil found it too painful to maintain our R, but she is comforted by it and so am I. We remain very close. If it were MY h's family, I'd likely not have much contact with my MIL who never ever will tell her sons anything but how great they are. She never called when h was not here. Not a single time did she call to ask how the kids were....not much of a grandmother in my mind....And never disciplined her sons. Some moms are that way but CG, and A&K, I'm a mom of a son - and if he ever pulled something like your h's have, I'd reach out to my dil and tell her she's welcome in my home AND I would most definitely have a "lil' Chat" with my son. (A&K, it's mainly women who are raising boys to be men, so remember this 20 years from now)...

I'm just telling you that you might be able to keep some R's in the family. MIght take some time, but you can reach out maybe later when it doesn't feel weird or look like pursuit. But promise yourself you will NOT bring up the M with your poor inlaw. They'll be nervous that it's going to turn into a "why don't you fix your sibling" convo and it can't. Believe me, I tried and I tried with my brother -- and the first stunt he had pulled in the 80's happened at a time when we were able to reach him and yank him back...but years passed and he was still not into it and she was still hurting, so maybe his leaving was for the best. (I know it was now). Though my brother doesn't really see his own role in the issues or that he was mainly responsible for them, in the back of his mind I think he wonders why his ex w seems so much happier in her M now...(karma??)

Take care ladies, sorry this is a hard day but martinis' can make it ALL so much nicer...what do you put in yours CG?

((( j )))