WAW and 4 kids

[sandi2]

She tells me that 'women don't need sex like men' when I have accused her in the past several months of having it with someone else (since she wasn't doing it at home). She maintains her relationship with OM is not a PA, but I can't help but be suspicious. I am really letting go of all this however - I can't change what I have no control over!.

I think it is probably very difficult for a man to believe anyone could have an A without it being a PA b/c of his own sexual drives. However, since I was in your W's shoes, I can tell you that "no" she does not necessarily feel the need for sex......EVER....just b/c "you" have a need. Her need is not physical sex, it is an emotional need she has empty and looking for some man to fill that emptiness and make her feel good. I was in that place & I know. It is something that is hard for men to understand b/c their bodies are design differently and they just can't get the fact women don't feel the same thing. That is another difference in the sexes. Men still have a desire for sex even when he and the W are not getting along well. Women do not desire sex when the R is in turmoil b/c their emotions are too interwined in the sexual desire and that messes them up. (I expect some woman to come here any minute to argue the fact that she is just like a man who craves sex all the time!) In most every R, one of the persons is going to have a higher sex drive than the other one. It doesn't mean that the LD person doesn't have a "healty" sex drive, it just means the other person's is higher....that's all. I mean, how many have you ever heard that had the exact level? They would either be in the bed all the time, or NEVER have sex! (lol)

Anyway, I think I'm getting off the subject at hand, here. But, you need to realize that she "can" have an EA and it doesn't mean it is a physcial need she has. In fact, I put off my OM from meeting in person to have a PA. It wasn't the physical part I needed. It did work on my sex drive, but it was all part of the fantasy thing.

Some of the self-improvements I have made is to come to terms with all this and I have told her this and demonstrated my new attitude about it for many montsh. She is resentful of all of it, however, since it was a source of anger and now I did this 180. Her anger/resentment is all in the script I realize.

I'm not sure if you mean that you have expressed your changed attitude/improvements or not. Anyway, don't discuss this anymore, if you did. She just needs to see it for herself and you not talk about it. A lot of W's resent the H's changes when it is done after she feels "done" with the M b/c she was wanting him to do that "before" she got fed up....and now she feels it's too late. But...don't stop b/c those feelings can be turned around, in time.

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How did you know the party was for the entire family? Was that when you were asking her about it that you found out? Anyway, here is something I want to show you:

What's going on with this party today - are you just taking the 2 older kids (often happens) and I am staying home with the younger ones, or are we all going?"

I don't want you to waiver on every word you start to say, but I just want to gently point out how you kind of gave her the "power" in this conversation when you asked her that last part. See what I mean? Try to think another way you could have found out the information without it giving her the power over you in this situation. Even if you said, "What are your plans?" That would not have made you sound as if you were at her dispensure to use as a babysitter or kick around. In fact, it would not have given her a clue as to what "you" were planning to do. You may have "other" plans, right?

Now this next part puts you in a "needy/clingy" look:

then asked "you don't want me to go

I'll grant you that every time you ask her a question stated that way, this is how she'll answer:

"you do what you want"

.....OR, she'll say, "Do you want to go?" Either way, it does not make you look very strong and independent of her.

It would have made you look much more attractive to say something along the lines of, "So, do you have plans about the party?" And when she said she was taking all the kids, then you could have said, "Okay, great b/c I actually had made plans for tonight and that will free me up."

Always, always, have "something" as a back-up plan to do on a moments notice, so when she asks what your plans "are".....you'll have an answer. Make sure it would merit skipping out on a family invitation to a party.

Later,
Sandi