I'm sorry that I am just now seeing your thread. I feel a little pressure here since you have specifically asked for my help....and I sure don't want to tell you anything to make matters worse. I can tell you from the POV as an almost WAW, and from my "study" and my experience in life. Oh...that made me sound pretty good, didn't it? I hope you know that I never did "walk" but I sure had the mentality of a WAW and kept those feelings in my heart for quite some time. Even though your W hasn't walked away, she does have that mindset and that is how it needs to be handled.
I see every case as somewhat separate and individual and we each have to do what fits who we we are and according to our beliefs, etc. I will tell you up front that I feel that there is more here to your stitch that is being revealed. Either you are not aware of everything about your W, or you have not told everything, yet.
I remember how hard it was when I was staying at home with our babies. It seem almost everything was related to finances. I "get that". However, I have a gut feeling that this is not ALL about finances to your W. Women don't decide to file for a D b/c her H ran the credit card up getting help for himself and/or the M.
Let's back up to when you said you had been DBing for about 4 months. You have mentioned her IC and you mentioned her saying something in the MC session. So when did the two of you start MC and what were the reasons? How long has she been see an IC and can you briefly tell us the reason? I understand you not wanting to reveal certain matters that you may not feel relate to the MR, but I think "everything" relates.
I see so much stress in families these days and I do believe it is a sign of the times in which we live, but there is still answers and solutions out there. The important thing to know right this minute is that it matters that you do not give up on this R. Okay? You have stated that you have mostly been passive, so that is what I want to talk about in this post.
BTW, would you tell us the ages of you & your W and your children, please. As I said, these details help us to see the stitch better.
I can tell you this much for now, by reading what you have said....you sure remind me of how my H used to be. His nature was very passive. People saw him as a good natured, easy-going guy who got along with everyone. I also saw that, but as the years went by.....I saw that one of the reasons he got along with everyone was simply b/c he would not verbally express his opinions/feelings. He sat back and never spoke up or confronted issues. Heck, he wouldn't even reply when I would ask him something....especially if it was related to our R. That would become my source of irration throughout the years.
It is strange that what seem to attract me when I first met him would end up being what I wanted him to change! Since I had come from close parents who talked about everything....and especially their "feelings", I would turn myself inside-out to my H and let him see how I felt about issues...small or great. I was silly enough to think he would do the same in return. Wrong! It seem the more I tried to get him to open up his feelings and "express" them in words.....the more clamed up he became. Many times I would get so mad at him b/c he wouldn't just TALK to me.
My first thought for you would be to do a 180 and not be so shut-mouthed. If in fact, that is the way you are about most things. Perhaps I am not understanding what you've said.) A man can be "passive" and not be quiet, but it seems to go more hand in hand. Now, here's the thing about a lot of women......a passive man can be seen as not having much self-respect. It is vital that your W respect you as a man (first), then she will respect you as her H (second). She "has" to respect you! It is of my opinion that a woman can have "pity", and maybe some other feelings toward a man.....but I don't think she can be truly be in-love with a man she does not respect. She has to "admire" him, which is respect in a different package. I respect a rattlesnake b/c I know about its dangerous nature.....but I do not "adore" them. Big difference, huh? You want your W to respect and adore you. Along with that is a need for sexual attraction. These are three incrediants that is a "must" for a woman in a MR. If there is ONE area lacking, then the R will suffer. That is important to understand.
When my H finallystopped being so passive, it made my respect for him zoom. He did not have to become obnoxious or even change his personality much in order to stop being passive. He only needed to make some changes. In my eyes, it was as if he stepped-up to the bat and showed me that he knew how to be in charge and wear the pants in the family and I couldn't bully him. If a woman can bully a man.....she has no respect for him. That is why you can't affor to continue in your passive ways. And, BTW, a woman will test her H (at some point in the M) to see if he will allow her to bully him. If he doesn't stop it right then.....he can expect a lot of misery.
Perhaps it is the "roles" in which society has grown up seeing the sexes. Men can love passive women b/c most females are natural "responders". However, most men think it is a lot more exciting if the woman is not so passive in the bedroom. Right? I think for him, there is a "place and a time" for the woman to be passive. Women are wired differently in their feelings for the man. He is thought of as the intiator. Society has placed the male as being the one "in charge".....the "protector of his family"....and in the past he was the "breadwinner". Women were actually taught to respect their H's. Don't hear a lot of that anymore. In today's world, men have to "earn" respect, and I think it's a lot harder than it use to be b/c of the role women have taken on. I actually feel sorry for the young generation of men coming up now, b/c some of them are very confused as to how to act around women in society and in their own homes. Tough place to be. So, if you have had an issue with this or thought a different way about the subject.....maybe you need to rethink.
First, be sure that you respect yourself b/c that will show through to your W.
Second, do NOT allow her to bully you or show any form of that behavior in your presence. Make absolutely sure that she NEVER disrespects you in front of anyone else by saying negative things to you or "about" you, making you the butt of a joke, arguing, or picking a fight. Vital that she show respect for you in front of your children....at all times.
Third, do not talk about private issues in public, in front of friends/relatives, or in front of the children. Wait until you are alone with your W.
Fourth, be prepared in what you will say to your W when (b/c she "will") puts you down in her words, actions, or facial expressions. Her attitude shows....just as yours does.
Fifth, be respectful to your W while in front of others. You cannot expect her to treat you like a king if you can't treat her like a queen. Now, here comes the tricky part. When in the privacy of your home....THAT is the time to teach her not to disrespect you. I never know exactly how to say this without concern it will be taken the wrong way. H's have to talk to their W's about things that are not "right" and at times he has to step into that position of authority. I almost cringe in using that word b/c I do not want to paint a picture of a woman being less than a man. I certainly am not doing that! But, men must be in authority over his own home. The old timers use to talk about men who could not control their wife & kids and how they would have a life of hell on earth. I don't like that word "control" b/c it actually boils down to demanding respect and showing authority as the man of the house. How does one do that if he is passive?
I will add this on behalf of the women. A man can only wear the pants in the family, or be the "head" of the family, or whatever term you want to use.......he can only do that b/c the wife ALLOWS him to do that. Yes, that's right. She has a choice of allowing you that place of respect in the home....or she can fight you tooth and nail until the M is over or one of you dies. Some men chose to give up and let the woman rule the roost. I hate to see that when it happens! I want to shake that man and tell him to find his b@lls and man-up. There is an opinion on the board what that "man-up" actually means to some folks, but I hope you know how I mean it here. I always try to make sure that nobody ever thinks I am implying any abuse what-so-ever. You never have to be abusive to get respect!
Okay, so as usual my first post has been long, and the next one will probably be also. Thanks for listening and if I did misunderstand anything, please let me know. But, if this does not apply to your stitch.....maybe somebody else reading it will benefit.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I hope you know that I never did "walk" but I sure had the mentality of a WAW and kept those feelings in my heart for quite some time. Even though your W hasn't walked away, she does have that mindset and that is how it needs to be handled. 