I feel like I am operating in a vacuum

[cville22901]

Antlers, Gardener, and Giving:
I appreciate your conviction and thank you for your advice.

To answer some of your questions:
We do not have kids. I have three grown children from a prior marriage. I think that the prirorities that one has, due to children, was an underlying problem for her during our marriage. She always felt like the fifth wheel. Culturally, she is half German and half American, and she spent some time growing up overseas. So, some of what I had in common with my kids (like baseball and football) were a little alien to her.

As far as doing the work:
I am seeing a counsleor once a week. I have read three books about depression and divorce in the last three months (maybe I can achieve success through quantity), I am taking anti-depressants (which do not seem to work and that I am going to discuss with my shrink), I have started to work out regularly (I used to be very active in coaching and playing sports), I have joined an outdoor social club to meet new folks, I have started to go out to pubs to listen to live music again (which we never did because it starts so late), and I walk dogs at the SPCA on weeekends to get a little animal time. I have been seeing my kids as much as possible, and my oldest son has been just terrific about supporting me and listening to all my war stories. I've reconnected with a couple of child and college friends via email, and I plan to visit them in August. I've also made a couple of trips to DC to visit an old friend of mine from the Peace Corps. I think that I'm trying to do all of the recommended activities to get out of the funk and try to build a new life.

Some days are better than others. Some days, I allow myself to be angry at my wife and call her names under my breath. Some days, I just can't seem to get the break up off my mind no matter how hard I try. There are times when I just want to close my eyes, and I do not want to do anything else (I am very tired, but I do not sleep when I do this).

Having been through a divorce before, when I had kids, I have seen how low I could get. I tried to end my life back in 1990. I do not want to ever get into that state of mind again. So, I am trying to go through a lot of steps to become a stronger person. I do not feel like I am in danger of doing anything self-destructive at this point in my life.

I am, however, a bit overwhelmed with the prospect of losing my partner and best friend, starting all over in the dating game, and picking up the financial wreckage.

At this point, I am waiting for her attorney to prepare a separation proposal. Although she was fairly cordial after she fired me, she hit the roof when we started to discuss splitting up our assets. This is pretty ironic since I earned about 75% of our income and put away about 85% of our retirment during our marriage.

I don't want the situation to get to a formal separation and divorce, but it looks like she is headed that way. I'll know when I get a letter in my hand. I would like to short-circuit this process if possible in order to de-escalate the tension over splitting up the house etc.

This is why the communication issue is so consternating to me. I exist in my little world. I am reluctant to contact her because I do not want to pressure her and pursue. I have made two phone calls to her in the last three weeks, and I tried to sound upbeat, I offered to take her out for something to eat or go for a walk. I did not discuss "us," and I kept it short. Since I am not communicating with her, I have no way to read her face, eyes, or body language. I have no idea what she is thinking, how she is reacting to the situation, or if she is even devoting any real mental energy to the situation beyond her desire to get out and get over it.

That's why I feel so apprehensive about disengaging. I simply have no freaking idea about what is going on in her life. I want to share the things that I have been doing, but I am reluctant to do so. I am sure that she will just see through the "reverse-psychology" of it all and perceive it as manipulative.

I guess that I am splitting hairs when I regard the self-help aspect of this program vs. the divorce busting/repair the relationship aspect. Intellectually, I know that they are one and the same and that you probably cannot have one without the other.

My dilemma is "How does she know that anything is different?"

My analogy is that you, me, and all of the people on this blog are playing the "game." We are invovled in the divorce busting game. We are trying to commit to it to become better individuals and to strengthen our self-worth and confidence. We are all in the game. The problem is that, not only is my wife not in the game, my wife does not even know that there is a game going on. That's what's screwing up my head.

By the way, when I use the term "game," I'm not trying to be pergorative.

So, I'm trying to figure out a strategy to interact with her in some way, try to be upbeat, be confident, act as if there's a happy ending in terms of a reconcilation (without actively mentioning it), and keep working on myself.

Okay...I know what you are going to say. Be cool, just leave her the hell alone, and don't call, right?

Thanks for your time and interest. Talk to you soon. I'll try not to make any phone calls.