Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

One more thing that I forgot in the midst of my rambling...

My H is a pleaser...to every other human on this planet. Because of this, he expects me to sacrifice along with him, sort of the expectation of a co-dependent pleaser thing. He never, I mean NEVER, puts himself first, and then he holds on to his resentment.

It was at the point where we were out walking and we stopped in at a grocery store because I wasn't sure we had anything for his dinner (H and I eat very different diets). We get in, and he becomes nearly paralyzed, asking, "Is this bad? What if we have something at home..." and on and on, just because I mentioned we *might* have the fixings for quesadillas at home, not sure if we do or not. Like because I mentioned it, I was saying it was stupid to be at the grocery store...YES, he really did go to that place, articulated it. I guess I'm of the thought, WHO CARES if we have oodles of food at home, if you want something from TJ's, GET IT. We spent all of $4, and he's all clenched up because he thinks maybe I might think it's stupid based on crazy thinking.

I was listening to a talk show therapist I usually think is a bit crackers but every once in a while has something to say, and she asked one of her callers, "Which parent's feelings did you have to spare growing up?" or something like that. Like, who did you have to put your own feelings aside for or there was hell to pay. Well, that person is his father, and H will drop everything to talk FIL out of his frenzy, to make him feel better...will change plans and expect me to turn on a dime to make FIL "happy," which we all know is not even possible. H articulates this concept as well, but he still gets sucked into the Oh no, Dad is upset, I have to fix it.

I try to step away, and that works so long as H is sane and not expecting me to get sucked into the frenzy.

An example:

My niece and nephew are in town, and we were going to take them kayaking today. FIL *begs* H not to do it (though it's totally fine with their parents) because 25-years ago H's brother tipped over in a canoe and "almost died" (according to BIL, he was just shaken up because it took him a second to get out from under it and he wasn't wearing a life jacket. So H, though he agrees FIL is crackers and we are just teaching our niece and nephew to be afraid, caves in to FIL. FIL then starts pushing for us to take niece and nephew to some wacky-mcCracky cheap-plastic-cr@p game place instead...which H and I totally disagree with. My niece and nephew don't ever just hang out in nature, walk, swim in the ocean, "be". They are always face-down in their DS games, to the point where last year, nephew said to me, "Well what are we going to DO if we put them away???" when I told him to stop playing the game as we were there to see them.

So then H starts caving to that, and we'd be stuck doing that if I hadn't put my foot down and said it was fine if he wanted to do that, but I wouldn't participate in something I thought was harmful. After all, the main point of us trying to do something with the kids on their own was to present a different point of view of how life could be lived and enjoyed.

H lives his life for other people's happiness...and because I don't, won't participate in that fruitless endeavor, it causes conflict. We've had the conversation...and he always spins it to compromising and being a good person and not caring what he's doing and enjoying the moment. When I ask him when any of these people he is living for ever does the same for him, he just stutters.

I get that it's not my problem, but he keeps sucking me into his personal drama, and I am a bad guy because I won't participate in insanity.

No wonder I feel crazy...MLC doesn't seem like such a bad idea to just give into sometimes!

SD