Its ok to feel like you have made backwards progress. We all have done this, and occasionally still do. I think that you need to be careful about trying to read your W's mind. You cant know what shes thinking, or why shes doing things, so dont waste your enrgy trying. If you think that you had a breakthrough, great, let it rest now. It is never too late to start DBing. You need to focus on what you are thinking and doing and make them be the best thoughts and actions they can be.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
well, its my birthday. Hard day for the obvious reasons. I'm also stressed because I set myself up for failure. When I visited the house the other night, one of the last things I said to the W was that she could let my D call on my b-day. Of course Ive hoped she would, and to be honest kinda thought she might, but nothing yet. Now I know its only midday but I'm still hurting pretty bad over it. I understand why she wouldn't(because it would hurt her case if the court found out she broke her own restraining order)to be honest I'm probably stupid for even hoping that she would. A little while ago someone called my phone restricting their #, and I looked at it and said a quick prayer that it was my baby... no luck. Man it hurt.
The other thing that's gonna suck is that my friends have invited me to join them and their family to go out on their boat today, then go to dinner. This sounds like fun, except for the part that my W's b-day was last month, and we went with the same friends, on the same boat, in the same lake, and to the same restaurant to eat after wards. It was my plan then, and they liked it so much they decided to do it again with some family they have flying in from out of state. They added me at the last minute in an effort to get me out and moving. They know that its gonna be tough for me, but I really love these people and I'm gonna try to do my best.
Yesterday, was a rough day too because it seems all my support people are getting bitter, and it tends to bring me down. I love my W, and my D more than anything, and I cant help but feel like I'm nearly alone(my S is at camp and wont be back for a while) because of the restraining order. To me I could be a good DB'er if I had someone to DB with. Does anyone know of other people who were served restraining orders? Whats life like after that? I know a lot will be made more clear come Wed, that's our initial hearing to set into place all the temporary orders till the actual end date which I think is somewhere in early Sep. Of course my goal is to remove the R-order, and I have truth on my side, but Id be lying if said I wasn't afraid because of just how much is at stake. I pray it works in my favor then maybe my W could actually see my 180's and not contribute them to me being ordered away.
As far as my D, in a less than perfect scenario(perfect being me at home with them) I would love joint custody. I'm very close to my D, and we have a wonderful relationship. I miss her so very much. In the last few months the W was working late every night. I was the one who was picking up D either from school or camp, taking her home, cooking dinner, helping with homework(as long as it wasn't math) and just hanging out with her. A lot of times D was asleep by the time W made it in. So yeah me and her got real close. This is so tough on a couple fronts cause from what I can tell, most folks here at least get to see their kid/s. I'm sorry my heart is broken today. but as always any guidance or support will be greatly appreciated... Thanks B.
ps I did feel a wonderful uplifting from God last night for the first time since all this really started, it was good.
Dont forget that she already broke her restraining order by not only having you over to pack, but being there while you did it.
The people you count on for support can only take so much. Thats whats so great about this board. I would try to just pray that the order is dropped, as you said yourself, you have the truth on your side. And the courts dont look well upon frivilous restraining orders, its a waste of their time.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I also spoke with W on the phone(which surprised me that she even did that, of course it all surprised me) and simply told her that we could still drop this and I would work in what ever way I could to be fair in this situation. I was very carefult to tell her that I wasn't trying to be pushy or tell her what to do, or that I was being controlling. I acknowledged to her that I see the issues with control and overbearing that I didn't recognize before. She said she was glad I did. I then told her that I understand her need for separation, she was glad I understood that too, but didn't agree with how she went about it. I didn't go into anything that I thought would be confrontational. I told her that I knew it wasn't much but I gave her my word that the sad puppy days were gone, that Ive already seen in my counseling that I have no control over her and that I cant change her mind. I said I know if you want a divorce then you'll get a divorce, all I can do is work on me. My request was that we stop this before it goes to court and hurts a lot of people for no real reason. I also assured her that weither she drops it or the court does, I wont bother her. She didn't say one way or another if she would or not, cause I didn't ask for an answer. I just asked her to consider dropping the R-order.
I know I probably screwed up, but I've felt like she needed to know these things, cause it wasn't like she could see them any other way. I know it may have been only words to her but I think if nothing else it give her something new to think about when her head hits pillow at night.
My question is this, why talk to me at all on the phone? She never had problems hanging up on me before? She went as far as to blatantly break the R-order this time. One thing I don't think it is, I doubt its guilt... shes never felt guilty for anything, she always feels like what ever justification she has makes it right. What do you think? I appreciate you keeping track of me here.
On a funny note, I once met a bunch of kids from Alaska when I was on a trip as a child. When they found out I was from Texas they wanted to know if I was a cowboy(I am) and if I had oil rigs, and bunch of longhorn cattle(I don't). I thought that was funny. I asked them if they all lived in igloos. I didnt really think that, but they thought that stuff of me. After all my travels around the states and the world in the military, it seems everyone thinks that of Texans... Did you grow up there?
Ive lived here most of my life, in a few places around the state, my H is in the Coast Guard, so we moved around within Ak a fair bit. People think that we all work in the oil industry here too. I wish I did! The money is incredible.
Good job validating her! That, Im guessing, is a pretty big change for you. I dont know why she would want to talk to you on the phone, maybe to speak to you because she just wanted to, or maybe to just confirm things about your D, who knows, but speculating about it really wont help you.
Now that you have told her that you have changed, and have all of these new understandings, drop it. Let your actions show her that you have changed, and now she knows that you want the whole thing dropped, quit telling her. She knows that you still love her, want your M etc. You telling her again wont help you.
Also, its really important, in case you do have to fight the R- order, to document how shes been breaking it. Seriously, Im not trying to pit you against her, but you do need to be realistic and assume that shes probably going to move forward with what shes started, protect yourself.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I got news today that's been a bit unsettling, a few women from our church has been keeping in touch with my W. One told me that the W told her that she was doing fine, but figured Id be having a hard time with this. Then another told me that W told her that she was absolutely going to D me. Then the last one(second hand info but I'm sure there's some truth to it) said that W texted her friend and said ok now he gets it(referring to what was wrong in the M) I just wish he would get that I don't love him. Shes never said that to me. I know believe none of what I hear, and only half of what I see... but man its hard. I feel so weak sometimes, and I still fear the hearing that's coming up(on Wed) mostly because of the unknown I guess.
The one consolation I can take from that text is that at least by that statement, she listened to what I told her, and I was right that was the "it" that I never got before.
How do you stay so strong, and how do you keep crap like that from eating you up?
I constantly feel like I need to do something because Texas only has a 2 month cool down period before the D is final. As it stands I'm already nearly 2 weeks into it. I know there's a lot of folks who are 2 years into theirs and, I don't want to sound like I think I can push a button and make it ok, but I guess there isn't really anything good I can do in a hurry. Yeah just a bad day. Need to take a breath and try and not get so dang spun up. Unfortunately I have so many questions, and very few answers. When do you get to ask why?
I don't think your W could tell you why. She sounds confused herself. I think you need to deal with the fact that you can't change her mind ultimately, only she can do that. You need to focus on yourself. You've been given some great advice. Work on any control issues or any issues that you have. Make yourself into the best person you can. Karen
Honestly my control issues were kinda weak. I was more of a person trying to get it rather than exploiting it...really I never had any control of anything, but your right if I ever expect to reach her and more importantly keep her than I must put these issues to rest forever. My counselor said today that not being insecure is almost impossible when you have someone pull away from you while you are doing everything they ever asked you to do, and your actively trying to save a marriage. Insecurities are what really killed me. And I'm working on all the above. I wont give myself any excuses, I know we both created our sitch, but I'm going to clean up my end... and let God(and some DB'ing) do the rest. I was really a push-over in my R. I think I did to much. That will probably be the hard part for me, knowing when Ive done to much.
Well, tomorrow is the first hearing. Maybe we can put this protective order to rest finally. I feel nervous about it but I believe it will be ok. I'm going to have to be strong in there. Seeing her across from me, no doubt trying to undermine me in some way is going to be unnerving. The sad part is that I miss her like crazy and sometimes it hits real hard, and other times its more of a dull ache. One problem Ive been beating myself up on and my friends too for that matter, is that if she thinks that I have PTSD from the war, which she alleges in the D papers and something she told me before, if this is true then why would she leave me? That one hurts.
Also today I found that a misguided family member tried to do me a "favor" and post me on the singles in craigslist! Picture and all! Man that ticked me off, but anyway I flagged it and it should be removed. That's the kind of stuff that could ruin this for me.
Some folks tell me she sounds like a woman who's moved on. I don't know if she has or not, for that matter I don't know if I believe in that or not. I think anyone could fall in love again if they see that side of a person that they initially fell for to begin with. To be honest I still think she loves me, I just feel shes looking for this magical place that her friends and family tell her about that she will have when were D. I wonder now, if maybe someone else is involved? If they are I believe she hasn't acted on it yet, but maybe someone waiting in the shadows? I would never have thought this of her before, but of course I wouldn't have thought she would put a protective order against me either. I have to be careful and not get all tied up in this train of thought though, sleeping is hard enough as it is. I think this is more me just not understanding her actions. Of course everyone one around me telling me these things isn't helping the sitch at all.
I look forward to starting the DB'ing(once the R-order is done.) I pray it reaches her. The day after tomorrow is 2 weeks into this, that means I have 6 weeks till the end date. I wish there was some way I could get her to hit the pause button to give us some time, without her feeling like I was trying to control the sitch, or smother her again. Any ideas on this if anyone has any would be great.
Last but not least, counseling was rough today for me. I'm taking a very spiritual path here(meaning I think God and some good ol DB'ing will save my M) with my counseling, although good for teaching me tools to over come my weaknesses, Not so good for believing in God and letting him handle it. I had to defend my religious stance on this a few times today, and defend why I would try and save my marriage to a woman who doesn't want me. Very draining, and honestly a huge downer. I pray tomorrow will be better, but considering Ill be in court with the W...??? Please send some prayers my way....
Well most horrible day. The court dropped the protective order on my D but only allowed 12 hours of visits on Saturdays. They kept it up on my wife, and now I have to pay spousal support, and obviously child support. This means I'm broken completely financially, and will have to quit paying bills just to pay my wife. This makes no sense to me cause She make nearly as much as I do. I guess there will be no DB'ing here now, she painted me as a monster! I don't understand, either shes crazy enough to believe her own lies or she just wants to maintain separation at ALL costs, even our D's welfare. I still love her and that's whats sad here. I only thought I was down before. I cant believe this.
