I am spending the day today enjoying the weather with my family, keeping some distance from Mrs. Thinker, and making sure I think this all through thoroughly before I make any moves.
Pretty calm and unemotional right now, but I sure don't want to get into a fight right now - my reaction would not be pretty.
@Sara, Exactly! I have been thinking is through - how to say goodbye with the understanding that she is the one who is leaving.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/11/0904:40 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
A really interesting night tonight... But first the background:
Yesterday evening, I got the call from the Retrouvaille hosts - my interview with them. Next step is for Mrs. Thinker to call them.
Where we are staying there are 2 guest rooms available, each with double beds. W went to bed first last night, and after the new information I had yesterday, I decided I didn't want to share a bed with her. I chose the other room. Mrs. T never commented on it, but this is the first time I chose to sleep in a different room.
My W and I spent the day with my extended family and with our sons - relatives from everywhere, fun things to do, etc. I spent most of the day either with the boys, or helping my family get ready for the party tonight. Mrs. Thinker was here, also helping etc, but not together with me.
During the day, I sent her a text that I had gotten the call from Retro, and that the next step was for her to call - added the phone number.
And then the conversation:
The party was late and fun, and just recently ended. Everyone had left or gone to bed, and I was the only one up, sprawled on the couch in living room drinking a glass of wine when she walked in and sat down. After a few pleasantries:
W: "Why did you send me the text about Retrouvaille? Why didn't you just tell me?"
Me: "I was busy, everyone was here, so I didn't want to make a big deal of it - just wanted to get you the information."
...long silence...
W: "I'm still not convinced we should do it."
Me: "What is your hesitation? Your concerns?"
W: "Well, I don't think it will help."
Me: "OK. (pause) I see the program as a sort of last chance for our M before the massive expense, pain, dislocation and disruption of a D. We are in limbo now and it is not where we want to be. The M needs to either improve or we need to move toward D. I think that if we don't go to the program, then we should proceed and make an appointment with a mediator."
W: (somewhat surprised) "I didn't think you felt that way!"
me: "That's how I feel now."
Long silence.
W: "I actually don't know that much about the program."
me: related what I knew about the program (for healing, no group session sharing) and the costs (that it goes for the hotel, meals, etc).
W: "You mean they do it as volunteers?"
me: "Yes, it is run by couples who have had real M problems themselves and want to help. They do ask for an additional donation to support the program"
W: "The cost really is reasonable"
me: Nodded. Long Silence
Me: "This is in no way a threat, but I called the host couple yesterday, and had my discussion with them last night. I have decided that I want to go. We can only go and it only makes sense however, if we both want to go. The next step is for you to call them, talk to them, and decide. If you don't, then we should start the discussions with a mediator. I'll call and make an appointment with one."
Silence while W nodds her head and looks thoughtful...
W: "I'm really tired. I need to go to bed."
Me: "OK. Which room are you sleeping in?"
W: "The same one I was in last night"
Me: "OK, then I'm sleeping in the other room."
W left and went to bed.
The whole conversation was quiet, subdued and contemplative.
------
For now, I have chosen to leave OM2 and the texts I found completely out of the discussion. I know from experience that unless I have hard proof that something untoward is going on, she will simply deny everything and accuse me of being paranoid and controlling. This would just distract her from the decision she needs to make - decide to commit to Retro and the work on the M, or start facing the consequences by actively working with me to dissolve the M.
I do not in any way wish to break up our family, but I can not live in a M with a W who simultaneous won't be an active part of the M, is refusing to work on the M or herself, and is actively looking to build relationships with other men.
---
Interesting to note that after 3 days of heavy text traffic between W and OM2, there was absolutely none today.
Last edited by Thinker; 07/12/0904:58 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thinker, I just don't think there's any other way to put it than this...
"I do not in any way wish to break up our family, but I can not live in a M with a W who simultaneous won't be an active part of the M, is refusing to work on the M or herself, and is actively looking to build relationships with other men."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
My fingers are crossed that she will make the right decision, to go. As they say at Retrouvaille, if you go, the worst that can happen is that you will do the program and end up exactly where you are today. No change. That is the worst. The best that can happen is that you will completely change your marriage from unhappy to happy. The odds are good that if you go, you will get a marked improvement. But it is up to the two of you.
Personally, I would not stand there and let her "spew" on you. I would turn around and walk away. Some people say to let the WAW spew and just let it run off your back. You can let it run off your back, but I think it show self-respect if you will NOT just stay in her presence and take what she's saying. Leave the house, if you can. At least go to another part or outside.....it makes a statement that you are going to be a whimp for her to verbally beat up.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Unfortunately, I am stuck in a car with her and the kids for about 7 hours today. She is stressed out and angry today and is taking every opportinity to snap, criticize, etc. When I push back
Me: "Wife, there is no call for speaking me that way").
Then she escalates.
w: "Me, me! me! Why are you such a selfish jerk?, why is everything all about you? You've always been like this!..."
Me: What is bothering you? Can you tell me why you are upset?
W:"no. See it is always all about you. You can't understand. You'll never change..."
If I weren't in the car, I would walk away. This is a fight I can never win, so I am just trying to comtrol my anger so I don't lash back at her with the kids in the car.
Ugh
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
