Well...

[SDFoundGirl]

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted on my sitch...a far cry from when the bomb was dropped 3 years ago.

Anyway, just updating, looking for some input on a few things, trying to put things down in writing instead of letting it rattle around in my head. It's clearer when I can look at it.

Generally, things are okay with H. Personally, I feel like I'm about to get sucked into a raging MLC. I'm having the thoughts...is this all there is? I've wasted my life...accomplished NOTHING, etc. Now, I know that's not true, I know these are crazy thoughts to a certain extent, but they are there, and the emotions behind them are STRONG. Some of it is...well, I guess I thought after the bomb and all of our work, things would be different between H and I. To a certain extent they are--we're a lot nicer to each other, and at least I speak up about things. So it's not bad, but...

And I know there is no greener pasture, just different shades. I know that no one else can make me feel better. I know these things. And yet...well, I wonder sometimes how H and I ever got together. What was it that united us? We have pretty different interests in terms of hobbies and how we'd like to spend our free time. H is passionate about music, about seeing every darn band on the planet, even if it's a local band no one even knows. I like music too, but I don't love going to concerts like he does unless it's a band I REALLY love. My idea of fun times is making art, writing, going out for drinks and dinner with friends, reading...

Now, H is into some of that too...but his friends and my friends are really different; he doesn't connect with my friends, I don't really connect with his, so we don't really have close couple friends to hang with. So, mostly, we go out by ourselves. Hiking...restaurants...local festivals...and it's okay, but...

We have similar tastes and beliefs about the world, but we don't really like to *do* the same things, and I wonder if it's possible to maintain a relationship like that. I try to enter his world, but he doesn't really ever try my stuff or what I'd like to do.

Truth? I'm a little lonely, and it doesn't help to have the whole MLC on top of this.

In other news...

Two LW pieces of information, one that actually helped me look at why I was hanging on to her so tightly, one I need your suggestions about.

1. I think I mentioned that LW puts out this "I'm so good and considerate and perfect," vibe to everyone. I mean, sunshine comes out her azz, and H buys into it. Anyway, I found out that when she was 19, she was charged as an accomplice to MURDER, but given immunity to testify against her then boyfriend. She hid the murder weapon for him, but said she didn't know he'd intended to go murder his ex-girlfriend. She'd thought he and his accomplice were using her car TO GO STEAL ELECTRONICS FROM THEIR PLACE OF WORK. And I don't doubt this, but she said she only hid the weapon b/c he threatened her.

No wonder she pretends to be a saint; she has something to hide. I don't know if H knows or not...I doubt it.

So, the reason any of this matters is because I bought into the idea that LW was better/nicer/more "good" than me...I bought into the same illusion that H did, otherwise why would he have pursued her? So, I kind of enjoyed the fact that she is just as flawed and messed up as the rest of us. It removes the mystique.

2. H has reduced contact with LW, but it's not completely gone. How much of it is work related? I don't know...there's really no way to know unless I put a voice recorder in the room where he works. I *do* know that the longer conversations happen when I'm not home (H works from home) or when H is out of the house. So that in itself seems like he's just working harder to hide it. OR maybe I am just insane.

I don't know how to get of MLC and the way I feel about H and my M right now. It's not bad, there's just no connection at all.

Thoughts?

SD