A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

[Deep]

Hi, just thought I would post a short talk I had with W (over a few interruptions as it was busy time with the kids).

Overall, it was good, had its great and not-so-great parts. Background to this was that stuff had been happening to W we hadn't had time to catch up on while I was handling some of my thoughts.

Turned out a few of her friends had been having marital problems. A potential WAW, and a WAW (let's call her Z) who had an A some years back and whose H then had an A after their recovery and now they're having some issues. Z is a good family friend and I was shocked as she would be the last person you would think capable of an A (well, so is my W, so what do I know eh?).

Anyway, great situation to open a talk, given that we've not mentioned the A for a long time now and focused on our M, and to good effect so far.

W quietly told me she confessed to them and 4 other very close friends. Now this was surprising! I asked her why. She answered it was partly since she did not want them making mistakes like she did. She also felt she didn't need to hide what happened. The year before and even after A, she had been telling them how bad things were and how she regretted the M. Just hearing her side of the story made me look like a troll. She couldn't tell them what she did and there were questions about how we seemed to be doing so well now. She told me "I'm lucky to have you, I'm proud to have you, I didn't want them thinking all those things I said about you were all true and you were this jerk." So she told them what happened and what she felt I did for her.

she then hugged me and said "You're still holding my hand every day when we drive home, and when we sleep. Not that I need reminding now how lucky I am, but none of them have Hs like you. You're the best".

Hard not to feel good about that. And hard to say the next thing "Actually, there's been some things I've been needing to talk to you ...".

W took a deep breath, wasn't nice to see that haunted look come back to her face. Anyway, in brief, she told me she knew it was coming, that she knew something was bothering me. Told me she had quietly been trying to get her boss to drop OM from her portfolio, but every work related reason got shot down. She realised it must have been eating at me, and at this point, squeezed my hand and thanked me for not stressing her out about it. She asked me if she should just quit, and this time, she said she realises it would make a big financial impact, with the loss of earnings, the baby coming, the paid maternity leave we would be losing, the economy as it was. But she would take that as something necessary and not blame me, and if we got tight for money, that we'll have to cut expenses and just see it through.

But she asked again for me not to suggest to her boss she had an A to try for a portfolio change, she would rather quit. ( I had suggested long ago that she report OM was making unwanted advances. yes, bad move I know). And it was clear she was dreading me talking anything about the A again.

Also quietly told me she was going to discuss with me about approaching the Retrouvaille program folks in our area. Some of them had felt we made good progress and asked us to think about spending some time writing with a coaching couple to further the healing and maybe be a presenting couple down the road. They felt our experience (and if we healed ) would help others. W was deadset against it - she would never consider telling strangers what happened and recovery seemed far away. W now feels (and very grateful) we're well on track, and very happy with with our M. Said she wanted to write it out with me and bury remaining ghosts " and maybe present if they want us to ... as a payback for what we have gotten from the program, help others like we've been helped".

Again, good to hear. I told her I loved her very much, and I would always love her and the kids and take care of them. I did end by saying that I still had something to talk through with her, and that I had been feeling out of sorts and detached a little lately. She seemed to take it calmly although again that dread flashed in her eyes. Told her to let things be for a while and we'll talk soon, and that I needed to think through her offer to quit.

Guess it's good like I said? I kind of think I know what to say to her, but any advice or comments much appreciated.