I hate how it has now come to my W asking me if I care if she does things, when it really doesn't matter if I care or not
Then that's how you should answer her when she asks. "Does it really matter if I care of not?" If she says "yes", then ask, "Would it change anything if I cared or not?" Don't allow her to put the monkey on your back. Keep tossing that ball right back to her. Think ahead of anything that might go wrong and be prepared with an answer.
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Why is it that reading other people's sitch's, it seems easy to give some advice, but on our own similar problems we are so unsure of what to do? random thoughts by ShockedOne
Ain't it the truth!! I think we all fall into that catergory but there's just a few of us that will admit it.......
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Survivor, I appreciate any and all input. You are more than welcome to chime in and smack me in the head. I am sure everyone here understands how frustrated I feel. I try one thing, doesn't work, try something else, doesn't work. I just wanna throw in the towel right now. Today has been a bad day.
I would stop talking to her family. I think if it were me having the MLC or the freak out or suffering from WAW syndrome, talking to my mother or any of my family members would not sit well with me. And the more people who know, in the long run, you make it just that much harder for her to come home, even if that's all she really wants in the end. I would tell her family thank you for supporting me, but please support us both and from here on out please to stay out of it--she and I fell in love without you, we need to do this without you too....if she says something to her mother or sister and then they want to talk to her, then truly you have nothing to do with it. But please, leave her family out of it. That's being respectful to your marriage and you want to be able to hang your hat on that no matter how this ends.
Are you talking about the relationship with her right now or having D talks? If so STOP IT. The more she has the opportunity to say "I want a divorce" in any form or fashion the more real it becomes to her.....the more committed she HAS to be to it. "I said it, and I said it a lot, so I have to do it or I look like a chump who can't follow through."
Time to make your 180 list and get to it.
Also what's Shocked doing for Shocked? Do you exercise? Do you play any sports? Do you bowl? What's fun to Shocked? Anything you do with the kids? I think I read something about church....??? Do you do a lot with your congregation? Whatever it is or isn't, do it or start doing it. That's actually something really really great about this way of life....you really do GAL. I think everyone here can tell you, GALing is great.....we should all do it all the time.
In terms of the D, what has she done other than say she wants to fast track it? Have there been any filings? Are you really in a position to get divorced? I know my H and I aren't, thank goodness for debt! Never thought I would say that. I was reading through your thread and maybe missed that update.....
And I agree with Sandi, the flirting at weird random times....assume she wants to keep you on the hook and possibly, there was a fight or a downturn between her and OM.
My basic story....H had an EA with a coworker. That's now officially over but as the EA was hot and heavy in January, he went to see a lawyer...found out in order to divorce with our size debt, it would be mean bankruptcy. So that bought us some time. Then the EA would fizzle, heat back up, fizzle, heat back up until it finally ended about a month ago. But I could tell what kind of track the EA was going based on his treatment of me.....flirty and loving=bad EA, bad OW. Jerky and distant=fun EA!
It's comical to look back at it now.
DO NOT THROW IN THE TOWEL. Wait it out. And if you do decide to end this, make sure you make that decision on a calm day, with a calm heart and mind. THEN give yourself at least a month of feeling the same way, ready to end it, for at least one month.....and I mean 30 days at least where every one of those days, you are ready to walk away and start new without her. Until you can do that, keep fighting, keep DBing, keep coming here.
Strap in Brother, it's a long bumpy ride. But it will get better, I promise.
My W doesn't even ask if I care, she just goes ahead and tells me she is doing it, assuming I will stay home with the kids. I have told her on several occasions that I was busy on a night she wanted to go out, and she had to get a sitter (one that I knew, of course). The really crappy thing is the next day, she'll post lots of pictures of herself and her friends having a great time on Facebook the next day. Then I get calls wondering where I am in the pictures. I used to like FB, now I don't visit it at all.
Orich,
I'm with you, I hate that damn Facebook too. That's how my W's scumbag OM found her. It's way too much information on what everyone is doing in their lives ALL THE TIME and encourages narcissistic behavior.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
I would lock the doors and turn off the lights. Put her in the doghouse. In DR or DB, there was one scenario where the H put his foot down about the W's late night partying. That was able to get respect from her.
She's a mother after all and it's time she acted like one. If your W was a teenager, would you let her do all the things she's doing now? So she wants to fast track the D. So what? Do what you want and should do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am reading DR right now. Skimmed through it and now reading it. I have turned out the lights and gone to bed many nights, just havent locked the doors.
Has anyone else out there become the center of a rumor mill that they are involved in an affair for the WAS to justify what they are doing? Pisses me off, could not be a bigger lie!
Like BigJohn I used to like facebook but now despise it. My stbx actually created a profile on match.com after clicking on one of those ads that come up on the side of facebook. Two of her "new friends" are guys she must on match.com.
As to a point earlier, it is definitely easier to give advice than to take it ourselves. At least I am able to admit that. If I would have behaved differently in my separation who knows how things may have been different. Bottom line is that most of what folks say in these forums are the things I should have been doing.
We cannot change the other person. We can only change ourselves. Separation or impending divorce gives us all an opportunity to grow into better versions of ourselves if we open our hearts and minds. That does not mean that our marriages can be held together, I know mine couldn't be. But it does mean that we will be capable of making ourselves happy and knowing that we can stand on our own two feet without that other person.
I am praying for you.
- H (me, LBS) = 33 y/o - WAW = 36 y/o - M = 7 yrs, T = 11 yrs - S9, D6 - Bomb dropped = 8/9/08 - WAW moved out = 9/19/08. - Hope = faint. My Sitch
I think I go against the crowd on the social networks. I agree it makes it easier for people to connect, but if someone is wayward, or capable of going wayward, they are going to find it somewhere. At least with the computers and networks, it makes it easier to find out about it than someone just going out meeting somewhere in the dark to everyone.
Has anyone else out there become the center of a rumor mill that they are involved in an affair for the WAS to justify what they are doing? Pisses me off, could not be a bigger lie!
Shocked, it won't take long for people who know you to see that for what it is. The truth has a way of coming out. Let it go. Answer honestly if asked.
Keep the faith. "All things work together for the good to them that love the Lord". Don't let this discourage you. Remember, focus on you and the kids. Those are the only things you can control right now.
I did ask about the rumor. I felt that I had to for myself. w said she knew nothing about it. My source is supposed to track down "the source" of the rumor for me. Guess I will have to wait and see.
