Maybe I started to detach today. When I was standing in my garage getting ready to leave I was terrified. Literally terrified. All I thought is "This is it. If I do this, it changes everything." I was leaving purely for my sanity and emotional wellbeing. I knew it would hurt him. I also knew I needed to take care of me. My heart was telling me not to get in the car, not to turn the key and not to drive away. My head told me I had to. As crazy as it sounds, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I drove not even a half of block and had to stop the car because I was hysterical. I so bad wanted to go back and be with him. What little he gives to me, I wanted to be there for it. But I knew. I knew leaving was the right thing to do.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Have not heard from H since his attempt to call yesterday.
I woke up feeling a bit better today but still on edge. There's so much to think about and figure out. I'm so exhausted, emotionally and physically.
Sandi - you're take on the sex thing was a wake up call. He's using me. He's thinking about her. I thought it but I didn't want to believe it. Another thing I need to decide. I know if I close that door to him it'll drive him further away. Of course that is not what I want to do. However, once again, this is his control over me because I am worried about his reaction to me saying no more instead of doing what's right.
Like you've said time and time again Puppy, what would God himself do? I think if one was breaking their marriage vows by committing adultery (which EAs are) then God would not engage in sexual relations until that affair was over and the sinner repented.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
He is not providing you what you DESERVE. And he's only doing it right now b/c he wants his EA and you in case that doesn't work out. This where you have to be tough, and I know it's hard, very hard. But it gets easier - I know that sounds crazy right now.
I don't think you are crazy for hurting like you are or for wanting to work on your M. You love him, as you should. But you have to face the reality of your sitch right now...for YOU and your little one. Again, you have to be tough. What is your alternative?
What you will find is that as you let go of your H's problems, you will be much better mentally, physically, and emotionally. But you have to start letting go.
Ashlee, I'm glad you're feeling a bit better this morning.
Originally Posted By: ashlee
Another thing I need to decide. I know if I close that door to him it'll drive him further away. Of course that is not what I want to do. However, once again, this is his control over me because I am worried about his reaction to me saying no more instead of doing what's right.
First of all, you are not closing a door; you are deciding to no longer give the most sacred, one-worthy-recipient-only gift and privilege of you.
It might drive him further away. And maybe further away is where he needs to be right now. For him and for you. Maybe it will make him realize you're serious. But his reaaction/response is secondary to you doing whatever is right to maintain or reassert your dignity.
Intimacy is choosing to live in truth with another
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Ashlee, I can add that from a man's perspective (and I think I am still a man), what he is trying to do is not surprising. Most of that is based on the different ways men and women approach sex. But, for a man, sex does not always equal love - in a healthy marriage it does. So, you are not showing him a lack of love by doing what is right for you.
Your H has to know and experience the consequences of his choices. You cannot control his actions, but you sure as he!! can provide the consequence here. Your reluctance to do so, while understandable, is actually delaying the process that needs to play out.
If he does not come back, it will not be b/c you would not sleep with him. He may want you to believe that, but it is not true.
Please don't feel that you ever owe the DB board an apology or worry about disappointing anyone here. This is your life, sweetheart, and your business. We are here to try to support and guide as best we can, but you sure don't owe any explanations for your actions in anything.
Since I was the WAS, I don't suppose I would be a good candidate for giving detaching advice, but I do anyway--(ha). To me, detachment has to start with "attitude". A person can act "as if" all day long, but until the attitude is there, it is mostly a waste of energy. Attitude must go hand in hand with self-respect! The WAS can see it in the LBS. That is why it's hard to fake. That is why a person can't do it until they are in that frame of mind to be ready to detach.
I do not see it as a selfish act, however, in the beginning of "most" threads, LBS tend to see it as being that. You would not belived some of the "excuses" that are used for not detaching. A LBS does not detach for one reason and one only......FEAR! They can say it isn't what Jesus would do, or their S will think they are doing exactly what they accused them, or whatever......but the bottom line is the LBS is scared to death, afraid of losing their S.
It is about self preservation (IMHO). Just like you leaving work and then packing your things and leaving your house to get away. Now listen, you said you knew you were hurting him. Yes, okay, so it hurt him......but your mind was telling you that you could not take anymore that day! Right? You had to fight to SAVE YOURSELF or you felt that your mind would snap and you would be lost forever. That is "nature's" way of survival. Our mind/body will naturally fight to survive. So, in a MR when you are being emotionally "murdered" by your WAS, your mind is trying to tell you to go into survival mode and protect yourself. Is that so hard to understand? Is it not normal to do? Once you step outside the fear zone.....I think you are able to do that. Fear paralyzes people mentally, emotionally & physically. That has been studied and researched in many subjects.
Much information is written on detaching. A lot of people do not see the difference in that and "dropping the rope". Don't make it complicated right now. Do what you need to do to survive and don't get bogged down in the "techniques".
Get an attitude and find your self-respect!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
GIMA, Gardener & Sandi - thanks for the support and encouragement.
Trying to come up with what to say to H about no more sex. I'm thinking something along the lines of as long as he is involved in an affair, sex will not occur. Any suggestions?
H texted this afternoon: "Hi, how r u?" I texted back (30 minutes later) "Good, how r u?" H replied "ok...i kinda miss you." I did not respond.
Later he called, I did not answer. Then I received a text regarding our cell phone minutes were over the limit and most of the calls were on my phone and we have 5 days left before the next billing cycle. I replied (3 hours later) "ok, I will try not 2 talk 2 much in the next 5 days" H responded ok. No other contact.
I think I handled both textes correctly. Thought it was awfully sweet of H to try and throw me a bone with he kinda misses me...(yes, I am dripping with sarcasm)
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
To me, detachment has to start with "attitude". A person can act "as if" all day long, but until the attitude is there, it is mostly a waste of energy. Attitude must go hand in hand with self-respect! The WAS can see it in the LBS. That is why it's hard to fake. That is why a person can't do it until they are in that frame of mind to be ready to detach.
LBS does not detach for one reason and one only......FEAR! They can say it isn't what Jesus would do, or their S will think they are doing exactly what they accused them, or whatever......but the bottom line is the LBS is scared to death, afraid of losing their S.
It is about self preservation (IMHO). Just like you leaving work and then packing your things and leaving your house to get away. Now listen, you said you knew you were hurting him. Yes, okay, so it hurt him......but your mind was telling you that you could not take anymore that day! Right? You had to fight to SAVE YOURSELF or you felt that your mind would snap and you would be lost forever. That is "nature's" way of survival. Our mind/body will naturally fight to survive. So, in a MR when you are being emotionally "murdered" by your WAS, your mind is trying to tell you to go into survival mode and protect yourself. Is that so hard to understand? Is it not normal to do? Once you step outside the fear zone.....I think you are able to do that. Fear paralyzes people mentally, emotionally & physically. That has been studied and researched in many subjects.
Much information is written on detaching. A lot of people do not see the difference in that and "dropping the rope". Don't make it complicated right now. Do what you need to do to survive and don't get bogged down in the "techniques".
Sandi - Good insight into detaching, especially regarding the attitude. You are 100% correct on the fear which I think is why I haven't started to detach. I have been scared to death to lose H. That is why it was so hard to leave on Friday. But, as you said, I did it because I knew I needed to in order to survive. I actually think it was a huge step for me. And perhaps it was the first step I needed to take to protect myself, to keep myself from falling into a bottomless pit.
I am going to focus on one thing at a time. I am feeling a little stronger this evening and will pray that I can remain strong.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
