Running out of gas

[mountain_west]

Today is a new day, which is good because yesterday was horrible. I ended up calling her last night to talk about what happens next. What options do we have. In a nutshell, I have two options: I have 20 days to sign the papers. If I do, we split everything up ourselves, 90 days later we are officially over. If I contest we go to mediation and the courts split our stuff. That will draw out the process even longer than 90 days. We don't have much and we already agree who gets what. It will be more of a battle to decide who actually keeps the little we have. Everything is a reminder of us and I'd rather just leave it all and start over. She feels the same way.

So we talked about how and when. Yesterday she said she loved our town and her job, so I asked her what's up with you now loving your job? I mean, for the last 5 years all I've heard is how trapped she feels and how she hates it. "I'm not crazy about my job, but I like our town." We talked a bit about HOW she had me served. She told me she was trying to be respectful and not have me served at work or home. I laughed and said really, hiring a guy to wait in the park and ambush me is really a more respectful option? We could have just talked about what happens next rather than being all cloak and dagger.

My lease is up at the end of the month and I was already planning on moving anyway. So I told her, "look, you're going to need to come get the rest of your stuff." Yesterday she said there was nothing she wanted and I could have everything but the dogs, now she's got things (yet undisclosed) that she is afraid I'm going to keep. Wants me to keep a list of debatable items and we can go back and forth. Then she wanted to come over and get her stuff this weekend, which I declined. I told her that her plan wasn't good for me and I'd rather pack my stuff up, move, and she can deal with the rest after I'm gone.
W (all surprised): "oh, you're moving. Really?"
M: "Yes."
W: To the big city?"
In my head I'm thinking "why would I stay here? My job is in the city. You're divorcing me." So I bit my tongue.
M: "I have several options. I just haven't decided yet."
I don't think it had occurred to her that I wouldn't be here forever.

I left it at that and told her we'd talk about the papers after I had a few days to process it. Our anniversary is on the 20th. Lovely.

[Phoenixdeux]

You did fine. It sounds like you were strong. Now give her time and space to fully process that you are going and moving on. No reason to quibble about possessions. You have no kids and you said yourself you had few things to disagree about. It doesn't necessarily have to be over forever, but for now it is...so proceed accordingly. I hope the move works out for you.

[Jimbo]

That was a truly crappy way for her to do that, MW. You have every right to be pissed.

She has made her choice to pursue the D. I'm not happy about her choice either, but, believe it or not, it IS part of the process for some MLCers. Looks like both our Ws fall into that category. All you can do now is resign yourself to this, and accept her decision.

Phoenix is absolutely right about this not having to necessarily be over forever. Just because you MAY happen to D does NOT mean everything is lost. Many people who have walked down this exact path have had reconciliations later down the line and gotten remarried again. The M may be dead, but the love you shared together is still in her subconscious.

You are only done if you choose to be.

[mountain_west]

Thanks phoenixduex and jimbo

I'm swirling vortex of emotions right now. It's one thing to know it is coming, another to watch it unfold in front of you. I was standing there listening to her tell me this, and all I could think of is "what are you talking about? You haven't DONE anything to address us. You're just sat there hoping your feelings would change. You should be the one begging ME to stay." That ... and Robx's comment to just walk away.

I KNOW this isn't about me. It absolutely kills me to watch her not deal with whatever it is that is causing this. Avoidance has been her pattern since well before I came along.

Right now, I don't know what to do. The folks I've told keep asking to help ... I don't even know what to ask for.

[Jimbo]

I'm swirling vortex of emotions right now. It's one thing to know it is coming, another to watch it unfold in front of you.

Amen to that, brother.

You're spinning right now. Your feelings are running the full gamut. The helplessness, anger, resentment, frustration...all of it...it's all OK. It's totally expected after that punch in the gut and kick in the teeth that you got from your W. Respect yourself by respecting your emotions right now. Let yourself feel everything- don't bottle it up. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but you will be OK. YOU WILL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.

I was standing there listening to her tell me this, and all I could think of is "what are you talking about? You haven't DONE anything to address us. You're just sat there hoping your feelings would change. You should be the one begging ME to stay." That ... and Robx's comment to just walk away.

I know that you know what's really going on in the background...that she can't participate in the R/M until she fixes herself. She just doesn't know how. This is part of her journey in finding out.

I KNOW this isn't about me. It absolutely kills me to watch her not deal with whatever it is that is causing this. Avoidance has been her pattern since well before I came along.

And this whole process is the Universe's way of MAKING her confront, and find new ways to work on, her issues. The avoidance was not healthy for either one of our Ws. We both know this deep down.

When they come out on the other side of this, we will ALL be better for the experience. I know it's hard to believe now, but it is true.

Right now, I don't know what to do. The folks I've told keep asking to help ... I don't even know what to ask for.

MW, first and foremost, I don't know what folks you have been talking to about all of this, but if it's family and/or friends, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Family and friends, both, love you and care about you. Because of this, they have an agenda. Their agenda is to "Make MW not hurt anymore". They are not focused on helping you to stand, but on helping you not to hurt. While this is laudable, it can be very counterproductive to your efforts to stand. They will try to convince you to "get over her", "move on", etc. because they don't want you to hurt anymore.

They also have NO idea of what you are going through. MLC is SO counter intuitive, and has absolutely NO common sense about it, that they can't possibly understand what it is that you are experiencing (unless they have experienced it for themselves), and therefore can't possibly know the best way to help you in your goals.

I think you would be way better served to move your thread over to MLC. There is a caring community over there with lots of MLC veterans who can help you with your journey through this.

As always, it's your call.

[mountain_west]

Jimbo-
I will stop on by the MLC forum.

So now what do I do? Do I call her about anything? Do I just go about my business? Act like we've never met? With no kids, we don't have a reason to be around each other.

Not sure what to do with this ...

I took the day off because I couldn't deal with being around people. Clearly, not a bad choice considering the events of yesterday. Well, a woman friend of mine came to take me to lunch today. It was all very platonic and friendly. She knows my story and was hoping to just get me out of the house and keep me from crying all day. No biggie. We're walking across the street to my favorite place and my friend leans over and says, "is that her?" She spots the STBXW sitting on a crowded porch at the restaurant with a woman friend. It would have been hard to miss us. We just stroll on by. It was so crowded I didn't see her until we were just about past.

[mountain_west]

It's a new day. I've been crying, off and on, for most of the last few days. Lovely. After finally getting some sleep I have one question that continues to vex me. Perhaps it is just part of the fog she's in but here goes ...

We're down to talking about just business and how we divide stuff up. Really? After 7 years, that's it? I feel cheated. All I hear is "it just isn't working" and "I have no energy for this" which are excuses, not explanations. Am I wrong to expect more? Should I even bother asking?

[mountain_west]

I'll answer my own question. No, I shouldn't bother asking. She doesn't want to talk to me anyway. All my asking is going to do is reinforce the fact that I bring her pain.

I woke up this morning with an unusual amount of clarity. It isn't her decision that bothers me so much as the way we're going about this. If she wants to leave, I can respect that. It's her decision. I get it. I'm mad that now I'm being treated like a total stranger. Worse, actually. Apparently she'd rather have nothing to do with me. I know somewhere in that foggy head of hers that it isn't really about me and that avoiding me is her way of escaping the horrific things she is doing. But, I'm still on the receiving end I have a hard time getting it. If she really wants to be gone, if this is what she wants, then it shouldn't be a big deal to talk with me.

I went to breakfast downtown this morning. Sat and stared out the window of the coffee shop for like an hour. Pondering. Thinking. Did the stupidest thing ever and texted her ... asked if we could just talk about what happens. Talk ... not a clinical discussion of who gets which CD, but talk like normal people. She agreed. Then I thought about it. It comes across as pursuit; as me trying to hang on. That isn't really true, I just want to be able to call her sometime down the road when something monumental happens. Wanted to exit with grace, not this cowardly way we're doing it now. In the end, I canceled. Figured there was no need to throw gas on the fire. She wants nothing to do with me. I get it, even if we all know she's hiding. I feel like an idiot. I know better than to make contact.

I'm going to keep reminding myself that she's gone. Do what I need to do. Keep moving. I pray for her all the time. I pray that God breaks her. I hate praying for it. I pray for her health and safety. And her well-being. And for whatever this is to be dealt with. Even if I don't get to see it, because it is good for her. God and I will be having words later. Crisis of my own coming. More on that later.

I've decided to take a 3 month regrouping period. I know it be longer. Spiritual, mental, emotional, financial, and any other -al I can think of. Time to regroup. Refocus. Find balance. Settle down. Heal. Rest. Cry. Whatever. I've got some ideas. More to come later.

[mountain_west]

Random thoughts today. I just need to get it out.

Went to the coffee shop to a) get out of the apartment and b) write some things down regarding the regrouping plan. It was good to see some things in writing. At this point I honestly don't really care all that much, but I need to keep moving. Sitting here only makes me more sad.

Emotional rambling to follow ...
My heart ... hurts. That would be an understatement. When you grab a fist full of lawn and pull, there get this ripping sound. As I was sitting there listening to my W tell me it's over I had that sound in my head only much much louder. It's random, I know.

I'm off to call my landlord and to find some boxes for the packing.

[mountain_west]

Our anniversary is on the 20th. Do I just ignore it?