WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

I felt that when you said the two of you were simi-separated, that you were trying to have it "both ways" by describing your R and co-parenting.

After I had written that I realized it sounded kind of limbo-ish. I guess we are separated. If you think about our sexual relationship (none) and the fact that there is no other emotional intimacy/connection between us and we are no more than roommates except when we get into intense R discussions, then obviously we aren't "together" . She even avoids talking to me and communicates through the kids (Call dad and ask him if he fed the dogs, etc etc). I guess my old definition of 'separated' was not living together, but we are as close as you can get to that and still under the same roof? Except, however, those curious times last week when she cam back into our bed. Not sure what that was about. It happeend AFTER she knew about my OM criminal record investigations.

As a woman, and especially a WAW.....I could see it from your W's POV. But, I decided not to get into all of that b/c I doubted I could help you to understand. Men just think about things differently when it comes to sex.

If you ever have the time and energy to try to convey these points I am all ears. I'd love to hear your perspective. It has been 8 months since we have had sex. One thing I have stopped doing is asking for it. I figured that is the first thing I needed to do if I ever expected to get it again

When she discovered you were checking into the OM's criminal backgroud.....that was the final straw. I won't say that the R is beyond repair, but I think a lot of serious damage has been done now. Especially since the kids know what is going on and she knows their attitude toward her. She feels like a total failure as a mother. She may even decide there is no hope where they are concerned and that they would never be able to forgive her. It may be what will cause her to decide to move on with OM. A lot of things "depend" on their R, plus what has already happened with the family unit.

I agree that we have entered a critical phase and the coming weeks/months will be telling. I am not sure it is as dire as you see it Sandi, but at the same time I don't want to be overly-optimistic about where things stand. We have had other serious times in the past 8 months similar to this. There were times when I lost my temper and the kids were exposed to this originally back in April actually. Obviously it would have been better if all of these things didn't transpire.

I think if she sticks it out for a couple more months then there is reason to be optimistic. I just wish I could get her to re-engage in working on the R if she decides to stick around. Staying in limbo is really hard, but I see many on this forum who have done it a long time so I need to keep pushing forward.

I would still advise you to cut all ties and whatever you do....stop with your investigation of OM and the snooping of what they are doing together.

Yes I have lost a lot of interest in sorting out what is going on with the OM. I told her this.

Did you check with a lawyer to see where you stood legally against all this stuff she was threatening?

Yes I did and I don't have anything to worry about I don't think.

Each day that goes by where we don't have any negative interaction is a victory, and at the same time I am not trying to engage her in conversation unneccessarily. I thought about what you said about how a W can sense that you have dropped the rope, and I realize I hadn't really gotten there so I am trying to accept that she may be done and be as OK with it as I can be. She may actually stick around for a while if I can settle into this state and only then would we ever have a chance to R. It takes time and dumping OM which I have no control over, but I can create the time with the right attitude I think.

As far as the IC goes I agree with you. I have been tailing off my visits to once every 2 or 3 weeks. She has helped me in some ways since our sessions usually focus on my own growth and development.