H goes off about how much OW has to deal with, all the problems she has and how no one should mess with her at work
Whatever!!
OK, what's done is done. Just don't call her again. Remember, don't elevate her in importance by engaging her. One, she's not worth your time. Two, she is not the problem - your H is.
I think it's a good thing you got out for a couple of days.
And, I would NOT tell him how you got OW's work number. EVER. Got it?
Can you talk about this with your sister? Will she give you good advice?
What are you doing for you? What are you doing to put the focus on YOU? Have you tried to detach at all? It's understandable, but you are still way to invested in him, and it's just setting you up for these types of situations. As hard as it is, you have to begin the process of detaching. It's the only way to keep your sanity right now, and it does not mean you are giving up on your M. It means you are doing the right thing for YOU.
And, I would NOT tell him how you got OW's work number. EVER. Got it?
I don't plan on it. Let the two of them ponder and stew about it. They won't figure it out.
When I first found this website it gave me a sense of peace. I decided I would do whatever it took to save my M and began to use the techniques described in DR. I was doing fairly well, at least I was coping. I think reality really set in when his brother was in the hospital and H didn't want me with him. I think I was in denial until that time. I believe I am now grieving for my M. It's like I keep getting knocked over by a wrecking ball. Each time it lands me in a sea of depression. I think I need to get out of this stage before I can successfully begin to detach and get on with my life. Unfortunately I think H and I living in the same house is hindering the process. Or maybe it just takes a little time. It hasn't quite been two weeks since BIL's death. At times I wonder if I am heading for a nervous breakdown. I keep thinking I've hit bottom then the rug gets swept out from under me and down I go.
Time. I do believe that is the key at this point.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
It's like I keep getting knocked over by a wrecking ball. Each time it lands me in a sea of depression. I think I need to get out of this stage before I can successfully begin to detach and get on with my life.
You need to detach to GET OUT OF that stage.
Quote:
At times I wonder if I am heading for a nervous breakdown. I keep thinking I've hit bottom then the rug gets swept out from under me and down I go.
Again, this is happening because you haven't started to detach. You are letting H dictate how you feel.
Quote:
Time. I do believe that is the key at this point.
Yes, and working on you and detaching. Like Coach says, you can choose to survive or thrive.
You can do this Ashlee. You are stronger than you believe right now.
I appreciate you being honest with us -- it will help us help you more accurately.
I'm not as concerned about you contacting OW (altho I wish you hadn't), but I wish you hadn't lied to him about it. A simple "Yes, I did -- I thought at least one of us should try to actually fight for our marraige" or some such would have been better. By denying it for so long, it makes YOU look like the guilty one, when it is HIS behavior that should be the focus here.
DON'T ANSWER HIS CALLS. DON'T let him put the exposure back on you again. If he tries, say something like the above, or even just a "I'm not going to apologize for sticking up for myself, so please don't mention it again -- this is YOUR mess, YOU clean it up."
You did a GOOD job in drawing a boundary -- one that's going to be very important to your own self-esteem moving forward. And that is "don't talk about OW to me." GOOD FOR YOU! Don't back down on that, and throw in a "It's INCREDIBLY disrespectful!" next time, too!
Ashlee, I'm not disappointed in you. You did what you felt Mama Bear needed to do. It may have been anti-DB, or a tactical mistake, but it was HONEST, and at least you're trying to fight for your marriage and your family.
As someone said above, just get back up and dust yourself off. There are a LOT of cards still left to play.
Puppy - I seriously wish I could keep you in my pocket so I'd have you each time I need a great response.
Okay, I will not take his phone calls. I will continue to not discuss OW with him. I will see him on Sunday and I know he'll bring it up. Should I respond as you mentioned (i.e. I thought someone should try to save the M) or just say I will not discuss OW? I have already decided I will NOT tell him how I got the number. I know H will be relentless with asking that. Tough sh!t, I ain't telling him!
GIMA - Okay, I need to detach. Can anyone tell me what I need to do to take the first step towards deatachment? I am all ears. I want to get the he!! out of this depression and on with my life. I really do.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
DON'T ANSWER HIS CALLS. DON'T let him put the exposure back on you again. If he tries, say something like the above, or even just a "I'm not going to apologize for sticking up for myself, so please don't mention it again -- this is YOUR mess, YOU clean it up."
Puppy - I just re-read your post. I think the above may be what I should say if it comes up again. I just need to memorize it!
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
Two of the best "truth darts" that were given to me were "This is your mess; you need to clean it up" and "I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair." (I've since revised the second one slightly, using Gucci's "I have decided" preface, thus, "I have decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."
One of the only "easy" things about this very difficult time you're going thru, is that his behavior is actually going to be very predictable. Between how well YOU know him, and how well WE know affairs and wayward behavior, we can anticipate 90% of what's going to come up, and therefore you can think ahead of time what you want to say and do.
I printed it out and read it every couple of days.
It takes time, but initially, just like many of the DB actions, you have to make yourself do it. It will come more naturally with time.
What I found is I began to notice more of the things about my W that were not good things. I actually see them as things we need to discuss, and that she will need to work on if she decides to work on the M.
What will happen is you will become less and less affected by what your H does. And that is POWER. You, not him, will control your emotions. You will be able to view your H much more objectively. Trust me it is THE way to go.
To me, you begin to become detached when you no longer focus your decision-making on THEM. No longer are your first thoughts "How will this make him react? Will he get angry? How will his reaction make ME feel?"
Instead, you begin to operate from a framework of "What's the RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right here in front of me?"
Don't back down on that, and throw in a "It's INCREDIBLY disrespectful!" next time, too!