Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

BJ, I'm trying to see this in my WAW mode. All she can do is fantasize about OM. Remember when I told you that no man could live up to her fantasy.....includingher OM?

Yeah I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that one, as wonderful as he is.

I am not suggesting for a second that you finance her trip. But, I am wondering if she saw him, if that would zap her out of that fantasy limbo she's in. From what you've said about his treatment of her, that sounds good for you! I think you are so hurt & angry, you might not see the possibilities here. If the OM is tired of her and verbally disrespecting her, how do you think he may treat her in person?

The problem is that my W appears to accept that from him- she is submissive to him. How do I know this? Because she is following the same behavior patterns as she did when she first dated me- although I didn't exploit or was verbally disrespectful of her like OM is. Which is bizarre given that one of her complaints about our R has been about her deferring to my "stronger" personality. As for treating her in person, given what a scum he is, I'm sure he'll be on his best behavior to try to exploit my W sexually. Understand that OM is a really ugly bastard and big time overweight too. He's the kind of SOB that either has to pay for it, get 'em too drunk to resist or find a woman emotionally crippled enough to give in to him (that'd be my W right now).

Well, the truth is--it is a huge gamble....but I think she is planning to take this trip at any price. Just my thinking. She "has got" to see him and get a taste of what being with him would be like. Now, what is terrifying to you is the thought of them having sex. Let's be real here. That SOB would probably use her just to get sex! Then he'll dump her. Would you be willing to see that happen if you knew it would save your M? Well....let me put it another way. What could you really do about it if she's made up her mind? Oh, I'm sure you can think of all types of ways to prevent it taking place......just as most men do on matters like this. But, those ways could end with the M in the dumpster. It depends on whether or not the trip and them being togehter would be a "deal breaker" for you.

That is a tough question. Don't know if in the totality of the whole sitch it would be the deal breaker. But it would definitely result in major further damage to our M.

If she goes to see this OM and she gets a good look at what he really is....there might be a tiny chance in her coming back home...ready to love the man who she's M to. This could be the deciding point in both of your lives. You have no power in what she does, but you have power in how you will emotionally deal with the results.

True. And I also have a say in whether the kids- her other "crutches" besides OM- go with her. And the answer will be NO. The only benefit I see in my W seeing OM in person is the stark physical contrast between he and I- I'm fit and good looking, he is very fat and ugly. (Yes, I know, its very shallow male thinking. But hey, one of the few things my W hasn't denied is how handsome I still am.... and no remarks about OM in this regard.)

Don't "enable" her to go, but don't try to force her not to go. Sometimes, just the knowledge that one is "free" to do "whatever"...makes a difference in their actions.
As I said......I'm just talking out loud and I can almost hear the screams from others saying that you should "fight" for her, yada,yada. Yes, and you could end up looking like a fool when you aren't able to stop her.

Agreed. I have repeatedly acknowledged to her that she has her own free will to do whatever she wishes and that she is responsible for the consequences of her own actions. However, I can't say that I won't "fight" for her, because I will. But, it will be on my own terms, with class/dignity and within the context of things that I CAN control.

So, in whatever remaining days that are left before that time in August comes.....maybe she could see a very charming man who will not presist in talking about her R with OM and be the man she fell in love with. Wonder if he's still around?

He's still around.... just waiting for (hoping for) the right opportunity to plant a reminder in her mind of that guy.

You have to have respect for yourself......so do what is necessary to have that. I remember thinking I could "force" personal beliefs upon my children and they would comply. When one of them rebelled and didn't comply....then I was determined to show him that I could "make" him do what I wanted. I had a painful lesson in store for me. Sometimes we must stand by as we watch our loved ones learn lessons the hard way. To me, that is one of the "hardest" things to do.......but it is effective!

Agree with all of the above. One of the hardest things I've had to repeatedly accept is watching my loved ones learn lessons the hard way.

Thanks Sandi!