Soon to be separated

[1853dave]

Hi DB,

First off, I am no expert on DBing. My education has been coming from the forum, the DB and DR books, and seeing what does / does not work. If anyone has better advice, please jump in!

You are in the beginning of a separation that you do not want. I've been there, under different circumstances. Many of us have. First off, as Michelle says, "Don't Panic!" Easy to say, but you have to let things cool off a bit. I know it sucks, we've all been through that too... Please do not call her... See if you can make it through the weekend without calling her. She needs some space. That's a hard message to receive, as it implies that YOU are the problem and YOU need to keep away...but I am thinking this has some to do with you, and A LOT to do with her.
You are in a good position in a couple of ways. She has not contacted a Lawyer, or filed for D. So far, so good. That shows that maybe, maybe she's not 100% sure about D. If she WAS 100% sure, what would she be doing??? Filing today! She didn't, so that's good. So, do YOURSELF a favor and give her space - do NOT push her in that direction.
I've been doing this for 8 months, under different circumstances, and I still have occasional trouble giving her space. I'm thinking I'm giving her all the space in the world, and she probably sees it differently.
Also, about pursuing her. Calling her, testing, pleading, sending flowers, cards, etc... Very nice gestures, indeed, when you're dating. However, right now, she does not want that. So, don't do that either. No more than you'd send her a frog in a box, or your cut off ear. She wouldn't want that either.
So, instead, give her what she wants - some peace and quiet, some no-pressure time to herself...
There are no guarantees, but remember this - it's not over now, it's not over yet, and this is likely to take a while to straighten out. So, don't panic, take a breath, find a friend or friends to hang out with if you can. This weekend, hop in the car and go to that one place you always wanted to check out but never did, take that hike you've been meaning to take, go to the bookstore or library and look for relationship books... First off you HAVE to read DivorceBisuting, and The Divorce Remedy. I read them in that order; you might want to dive right into the Divorce Remedy to learn what to do RIGHT NOW.
If you can afford it, contact one of the DB coaches through this website. I see one locally, and while financially it is hard for me at this time to afford it, I feel it is money WELL spent.
So, for starters, do not push her away this weekend, so do NOT contact her - just let be be alone for a while.
My situation looked TOTALLY hopeless for a while, but then got better. I'm still sep right now, but at least we get alone great now (thanks to DBing and changing behaviors) and I concentrate on myself and my kids as much as possible. I'm facing a few hurdles soon, but I keep Michelle's advice in mind always - Don't Panic!

Also, last note - look at posts written by "SANDI2" - her advice is GOLD!!!

Take care; all is NOT lost. This is just now, and better days will be ahead.