Retrouvaille program

[tryingtilDorR]

hhh,

What is your situation currently? Are you divorcing or are things still on hold? Thanks for the input!

My situation is that we are kind of in limbo. W is here for the kids but we don't have a relationship other than being roommates right now. It could change - I am still hoping. W still is in contact with OM that she had the EA with, but the intensity of the relationship has waned and this may be the best that I can hope for in the short term.

It turns out that W also answered 'no' when they asked if she was involved with anyone else. She lied I guess, but at the same time I think she was thinking that she would try to cool down the EA while she went through the program. It turned out that the intense focus on the R drove her closer to the OM.

I guess the issue with us was that she actually was 'actively' involved with someone, and not in a R that was on hold like Sara's husband. This allowe Sara's husband to more easily open his eyes to the possibility of his M I figure and not run from the work that was needed.

One of the things they stress is that Love is a Choice and not a Feeling. During the weekend I brought this up with W in private and she said "I don't want to have to CHOOSE anything"! This was because she had feelings for OM and didn't want to choose to turn away from that R in favor of her M.

About a month after the initial weekend (we attended all the posts) I discovered the true nature of the EA and just how attached she was to OM. When we discussed it, she mentioned that when we went to the Retrouvaille weekend she decided to try to cut off the EA, but found that by doing that she really had feelings for the OM (by not talking to him she noticed how much she missed it) and went back to him a couple of weeks afterwards. At the time I discovered the EA she didn't want to continue with the posts because she said it wasn't right because she was invovled with someone else. She made a comment that it is too bad that the OM was in the way because we weren't able to use Retrouvaille to focus on the original problems we were having before she got involved with the OM.

Also, once I discovered the EA she did end it for a while and it resurfaced more recently.

My W also has a hard time looking at herself critically and tends to skate along the surface in serious discussions and not get too deep, and to get the most out of the experience you need to be able to focus on your deepest emotions.

Anwyay, I would highly recommend this to anyone but be careful if your spouse is heavily involved with someone else. I know I figured I didn't have anything to lose and also didn't realize everything she was doing, and in the end W drifted further away but at the same time I know she learned a lot and it transformed me in many ways as well. If we begin to R I know the things we learned there will help us in the future.