Help! I can't stop spying

[needinghope]

Hello, I need help.

You can look for me under newcomers to find out more about my situation. I wish I knew how to link it, but I don't.

I've come to you guys because my H is insisting on privacy now that we are separated. I have no choice but to comply, but it is driving me nuts. We are working things out, but he needed space for a bit. As it turns out, I am finding the space helpful as well. One thing that I'm having trouble with though is my obsession with electronic monitoring. He was an open book as far as granting me full access to all email, phone, ect accounts for over a year and a half. But now, he has created at least 2 known email accounts and has switched his phone service from our family plan to his own plan.

His affair was mostly carried out through phone and email contact. Since the initial revelation of the affair, he has reconnected with her 3 times. All online. I realize that my monitoring doesn't keep it from happening, but it did afford me the opportunity to address the reconnections immediately. Otherwise, who knows how long it would have gone on? I know that monitoring doesn't really give security. People today can live 2 completely different lives with the help of technology. But, monitoring was SOMETHING I could do to gain a sense, be it a false sense, of control.

The control that it gave me was over his accountability. He had to answer my questions and we came to a lot of realizations that way. He isolates as a coping mechanism, so asking him to be accountable to someone else doesn’t seem likely. We do not want to divorce, but he does want his privacy. Privacy is something I am not comfortable giving. He is willing to discuss our impasse with our C, but he is convinced I will only be happy with getting my way 100%. As much as I have told him that I will be satisfied as long as I know he is accountable for his actions, I cannot think of other ways to accomplish that.

I need your advice on this. What am I missing here? And be assured that I know the obsession with monitoring is never good, and I am willing to rid myself of it. But, I cannot do that without something else in its place.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sounds to me like you have very good reasons not to trust him. If he wants to date while you're separated, he should just say so.

Puppy

[needinghope]

Thank you for your reply.

He says that he doesn't want to to and is not dating anyone. I don't trust his words anymore, so that doesn't matter.

[whatdidido]

He moves out 2 months after an email to her. WHo knows how many other times there has been contact....many more than you know, I'm sure. I wouldn't trust him at all.

You don't need privacy unless you have a reason to hide something....especially with phone calls and new emails. He's hiding contact. I'm sorry.

When trying to reconcile you don't do these things.

[bluerain]

So why dont you just tell him this? If its a deal breaker for you then say so. Tell him that you dont feel like you can trust him, and you need something from him to give you peace of mind.

Even if hes not doing anything, if this is something that you will lose your mind over, your reconciliation is not going to work.

[needinghope]

So I decided to put some new thoughts on the issue in a letter. I'm posting it here in the hope that someone will post to tell me what they think. I really need advice on this. He moved out without any hope of reconciliation, but then decided he would go to MC to see if there was any hope working through our issues. He has not yet said that he is fully "in". So, he feels he has every right to maintain his privacy while we are separated. Of course, I feel that since we are working on our marriage, whether recognizes that or not, he should still maintain the status quo of electronic transparency. But, if I want to continue to work things out and give him hope, then maybe I have to give in on this. So here is the letter:

Dear ****,

It has taken a lot of courage for me to come to the conclusion that I deserve better than the marriage I have been living in for so long also. I’ve had to face a lot of fears and issues in doing so. The growth I have experienced has moved me out of “left in limbo mode“, but for the past two days I have moved back to that place. It all started over an email account(s).

So here it goes:

You have taken the risk of sticking around to see if there is anything left for us. In the past few weeks, you have sounded more and more positive about the reality of actually being able to work through the muck and mire of our marriage. That takes courage to even say out loud and I am proud that you have done it.

It has also taken courage to believe, even just a little bit, that I can change back into the beautiful, self-confident woman you fell in love with. So it is time that I take some risks of my own. I need to have the courage to believe that you will honor your promise to not stray from our marriage or lie and deceive me in anyway while we are married. If you have given me the benefit of the doubt, I should do the same.

I have continued to act as though you are about to leave me for another, while trying to believe that you won’t. Before you moved out, I continually acted as if you would at any point right up to the day that you actually did. Through my actions I brought my worst fears to fruition. Not to let you off the hook, but it does tend to happen.

NO one deserves that. I am so sorry it took me so long to see this in a different way. You have told me that you have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone else. You have told me that you will not withhold anything from me that affects me or us negatively. So, I get to choose whether or not to believe you. Since I have chosen to stick around, I have to let go of what will keep us and myself from healing. I can no longer expect you to feel secure in a marriage where you are treated with suspicion at every turn. Nothing you do or do not do will bring about the security I am seeking. It has to come from me because it is my issue.

Change all your passwords and open as many email accounts as you wish. I have chosen to stay in this marriage because I believe it can be saved. I have done so with the full knowledge that I may be hurt again. But no one ever gets a guarantee against that anyway, so it’s useless to live as if you can control it. If it can happen to 2 people as in love and well-suited for one another as we were when we married, it can happen to anyone.

With that said, I know that you like the outcome of this decision. If you also like the conclusions I had to draw to get to this decision, then the compromise we have been seeking can come from there. Please take the time to answer the questions I sent and spend some time thinking about the issues you have handed over to me to solve. I have taken a lot of the responsibility for the downfall of our marriage. New realizations about my behavior come to me at all hours of the day and night. But somewhere along the way I began to believe that I was mostly responsible. That cannot be true. I may have attempted to do so, but I do not control your feelings, actions, reactions or thoughts and you do not control mine. When it comes to electronic monitoring, no one would disagree with the fact that it is justified. But, I created the obsessive need for control I felt I got from it. Ultimately it is mine to own, regardless of what caused it. So, I say this gently so as not to seem confrontational, you have to take ownership of your issues no matter how much you feel I drove you into them. I’m working on me and will be forever changed by this. You deserve that to. You are a wonderfully gifted person who should get and give love for the rest of your life. But you will always struggle with the issues you do not fix. They have nothing to do with me.


Ok fellow busters, I need your advice. Tell me what you think about this response. Is it rational that I feel this way? Am I being a doormat? Please let me know what you think. I really value your perspective and wisdom.

[karen43]

Just my opinion, but I wouldn't send it. You apologize and I don't think you should. You talk about making changes in yourself, but you shouldn't tell him that, just show him by your actions.

I think at some point he will have to be 100% transparent or it won't work. Can't save a marriage with 3 in it. Maybe though that is something you can discuss in MC? I think he wouldn't feel the need to maintain privacy unless there is something he doesn't want you to know, i.e. an EA or PA or about to be one. So eventually that will be a problem. If not now, then discuss with your MC?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Too long, you're trying to "teach" him, and you're unilaterally disarming, which I think is naive and foolish.

I wouldn't send it, personally. I think you have every right to insist upon transparency, and -- as Karen says -- if he's balking, I'd take it as a bad sign.

Puppy

[bluerain]

I agree. I dont think that its unreasonable at all for you request transperency. He has injured your trust, and now that you are requesting something to help you recover hes denying you that?

He hurt you, and you have every right to ask that he helps you heal from it.

[bluerain]

Especially if he still wants to be your Husband!

Are you not comfortable asking for it, or insisting on it? Are you afraid that he will balk and that you will drive him away?