BJ, I'm trying to see this in my WAW mode. All she can do is fantasize about OM. Remember when I told you that no man could live up to her fantasy.....includingher OM? I am not suggesting for a second that you finance her trip. But, I am wondering if she saw him, if that would zap her out of that fantasy limbo she's in. From what you've said about his treatment of her, that sounds good for you! I think you are so hurt & angry, you might not see the possibilities here. If the OM is tired of her and verbally disrespecting her, how do you think he may treat her in person? Well, the truth is--it is a huge gamble....but I think she is planning to take this trip at any price. Just my thinking. She "has got" to see him and get a taste of what being with him would be like. Now, what is terrifying to you is the thought of them having sex. Let's be real here. That SOB would probably use her just to get sex! Then he'll dump her. Would you be willing to see that happen if you knew it would save your M? Well....let me put it another way. What could you really do about it if she's made up her mind? Oh, I'm sure you can think of all types of ways to prevent it taking place......just as most men do on matters like this. But, those ways could end with the M in the dumpster. It depends on whether or not the trip and them being togehter would be a "deal breaker" for you. If she goes to see this OM and she gets a good look at what he really is....there might be a tiny chance in her coming back home...ready to love the man who she's M to. This could be the deciding point in both of your lives. You have no power in what she does, but you have power in how you will emotionally deal with the results.
I can hear you now saying, "Sandi, are you actually asking me to sit back and watch my W have a PA with OM and do nothing about it?" No, I'm not asking you to do anything, BJ. I am just talking out loud. This is something, however, I think you "will" have to face b/c I think she "will" go. So, you need to decide if you can act like a hateful, enraged a$$ of a man and try to do everything in your power to physically stop her from going to OM......or think of showing no emotion in her presence and allowing her to make the choice of her lifetime. Don't "enable" her to go, but don't try to force her not to go. Sometimes, just the knowledge that one is "free" to do "whatever"...makes a difference in their actions. As I said......I'm just talking out loud and I can almost hear the screams from others saying that you should "fight" for her, yada, yada. Yes, and you could end up looking like a fool when you aren't able to stop her. You could end up closing a door that can't be reopened. I don't think it will make one ounce of difference at how hard a fight you put up. I think she'll go! (Unless the R between you and W or her & OM changes between now and time for trip.)
So, in whatever remaining days that are left before that time in August comes.....maybe she could see a very charming man who will not presist in talking about her R with OM and be the man she fell in love with. Wonder if he's still around?
You may feel that you have no options here.....but that last statement I made....I see as a big opportunity to make the most of the time left. Whatever you do BJ, I would say that you need to do what you can live with. You have to have respect for yourself......so do what is necessary to have that. I remember thinking I could "force" personal beliefs upon my children and they would comply. When one of them rebelled and didn't comply....then I was determined to show him that I could "make" him do what I wanted. I had a painful lesson in store for me. Sometimes we must stand by as we watch our loved ones learn lessons the hard way. To me, that is one of the "hardest" things to do.......but it is effective!
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
