Help! I can't stop spying

[needinghope]

So I decided to put some new thoughts on the issue in a letter. I'm posting it here in the hope that someone will post to tell me what they think. I really need advice on this. He moved out without any hope of reconciliation, but then decided he would go to MC to see if there was any hope working through our issues. He has not yet said that he is fully "in". So, he feels he has every right to maintain his privacy while we are separated. Of course, I feel that since we are working on our marriage, whether recognizes that or not, he should still maintain the status quo of electronic transparency. But, if I want to continue to work things out and give him hope, then maybe I have to give in on this. So here is the letter:

Dear ****,

It has taken a lot of courage for me to come to the conclusion that I deserve better than the marriage I have been living in for so long also. I’ve had to face a lot of fears and issues in doing so. The growth I have experienced has moved me out of “left in limbo mode“, but for the past two days I have moved back to that place. It all started over an email account(s).

So here it goes:

You have taken the risk of sticking around to see if there is anything left for us. In the past few weeks, you have sounded more and more positive about the reality of actually being able to work through the muck and mire of our marriage. That takes courage to even say out loud and I am proud that you have done it.

It has also taken courage to believe, even just a little bit, that I can change back into the beautiful, self-confident woman you fell in love with. So it is time that I take some risks of my own. I need to have the courage to believe that you will honor your promise to not stray from our marriage or lie and deceive me in anyway while we are married. If you have given me the benefit of the doubt, I should do the same.

I have continued to act as though you are about to leave me for another, while trying to believe that you won’t. Before you moved out, I continually acted as if you would at any point right up to the day that you actually did. Through my actions I brought my worst fears to fruition. Not to let you off the hook, but it does tend to happen.

NO one deserves that. I am so sorry it took me so long to see this in a different way. You have told me that you have no desire to be in a relationship with anyone else. You have told me that you will not withhold anything from me that affects me or us negatively. So, I get to choose whether or not to believe you. Since I have chosen to stick around, I have to let go of what will keep us and myself from healing. I can no longer expect you to feel secure in a marriage where you are treated with suspicion at every turn. Nothing you do or do not do will bring about the security I am seeking. It has to come from me because it is my issue.

Change all your passwords and open as many email accounts as you wish. I have chosen to stay in this marriage because I believe it can be saved. I have done so with the full knowledge that I may be hurt again. But no one ever gets a guarantee against that anyway, so it’s useless to live as if you can control it. If it can happen to 2 people as in love and well-suited for one another as we were when we married, it can happen to anyone.

With that said, I know that you like the outcome of this decision. If you also like the conclusions I had to draw to get to this decision, then the compromise we have been seeking can come from there. Please take the time to answer the questions I sent and spend some time thinking about the issues you have handed over to me to solve. I have taken a lot of the responsibility for the downfall of our marriage. New realizations about my behavior come to me at all hours of the day and night. But somewhere along the way I began to believe that I was mostly responsible. That cannot be true. I may have attempted to do so, but I do not control your feelings, actions, reactions or thoughts and you do not control mine. When it comes to electronic monitoring, no one would disagree with the fact that it is justified. But, I created the obsessive need for control I felt I got from it. Ultimately it is mine to own, regardless of what caused it. So, I say this gently so as not to seem confrontational, you have to take ownership of your issues no matter how much you feel I drove you into them. I’m working on me and will be forever changed by this. You deserve that to. You are a wonderfully gifted person who should get and give love for the rest of your life. But you will always struggle with the issues you do not fix. They have nothing to do with me.


Ok fellow busters, I need your advice. Tell me what you think about this response. Is it rational that I feel this way? Am I being a doormat? Please let me know what you think. I really value your perspective and wisdom.