Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

[sandi2]

Hi Ashlee,

My name is Sandi and I am late in welcoming you to the DB community, but I'm so glad you have come. In reading your thread, I find that your H and I had something in common. I also was addicted to an EA with OM I met over the Internet. I have said that sentence dozens of times, and I still shudder at that memory of what I did. I continue to tell people on this board what I did b/c I do not want to pretend it didn't happen or that I was pushed into doing what I did b/c of a bad M or b/c of anything my H did or didn't do. I accept full responsibility for my actions. The regret.....well.....there will "always" be regret, but I hope and pray that I might in some way be able to help somebody else. Forgiveness? I am so blessed to have the H that I do who "can"....and "has" forgiven me. I have a family who loves me and although I tried to live up to a certain "image" of one who was so......"religious" (but I don't like that word).......they understand that above all, I am human with many faults. In spite of that, they still love me.

So, since I am behind in your thread, I will start at the beginning to catch up and this first post (okay...others too) will be long. I hope you have time.

H says sorry, won't happen again.

That was too quick and simple. He knew he wouldn't stop b/c he was already too far gone. He was addicted whether he would admit it or not. This apology he made to you only made him decide to become more sneaky in his R in the EA, as you discovered when he changed password and got new phone.

H wakes me up in the middle of the night to have sex. It's also occurred a few more times. I've asked why he wants to and get answers such as "cause we've always had good sex" or "it's fun". I am thinking it is a positive thing but I honestly don't know. Any advice please?

Well, I hate to lay it on the line so bluntly, but he wasn't thinking of "you" when he woke you up in the middle of the night for sex. He was actually very, very disrespectful to you b/c he was substituting your body for the one he wanted. The two of you had gone 10 months w/o sex and he suddenly wakes up from sleeping and expects you to give him some? He couldn't even give you a decent reply to your question! In fact, his "answer" made it even more obvious!

Today he actually asked if it would change things if he 'met' her. (OW lives 1500 miles away)

Wow, he really is out of his mind. Would it change things? Is he kidding?

How on earth I am going to last months or even years like this?

If you are referring to his A with this OW, I doubt seriously if that continues for years, but his "problem" may if he doesn't deal with it. If he doesn't "learn" a valuable lesson from this ordeal, he is likely to be addicted to A's.

Hard to hear about each time H is talking to OW.

What do you say to him when he tells you he's been talking to OW?

I have been keeping my distance. I do not nag, do not complain, do not ask things of H. I think it may be making a difference until he makes some snide comment like "this is the last time we will be eating here together" or like asking if I traded in the car. Is he seeing how far he can push me? God, this is confusing.

I know it is. It must be so hard to see through the terrible pain and be able to think clearly. But, that is one reason we are here for you. It's best to not talk to family & friends as much as you come here and tell us b/c your loved one will side with you and won't be as unbiased. We will support you and tell you what you are doing wrong and what you need to do. For an example; don't continue to tell your H that you have "hope" for the M. I know it doesn't make sense to you, but it actually pushes a WAS farther away. Don't say anything in regards to him still being in the M or not being in the M. Try to work the sentences around that so you don't refer to the status of the R.

Or should I not even ask those questions and wait until he says something? How do I respond if he says he drank? He'll know I'm lying if I act okay with it.

If your "deal breaker" is the drinking issue.....then stick to it. Nobody can tell you what your deal breakers are. That is your decision. Frankly, I could not be a W to an alcoholic. But this is "your" life. I do see where he is constantly baiting you and he knows this is a touchy area. I would not pretend it was okay when it's been established that it isn't "okay" at all. However, he is looking for you to have a fit about it, and he may be setting you up. Don't have a fit. Remain calm and see where this leads. In the meantime, if you discover that he truly is drinking again, then I think you better stand your ground and not offer empty threats. This was what you decided "before" you knew about OW, so you must have thought that if he backslid you would "were done".

OW is on facebook and I could send her a message, letting her know about this website and the books etc... But that's a bad idea, right?

OMG! Yes, it is a horrible idea. She would expose you to the world! The precious thing about this board is the privacy to our real names & identity. Do you want her telling everyone on "her" FB to checkout the DB board to see what you have written? Besides, she doesn't want help with her M. Please! Even if she did (which she doesn't) YOU are not the one to take the job of offering advice to where she can go for help. Stay away from her. NEVER, EVER contact her!! Also, I would suggest you delete any history on your computer so this site is not discovered. It has happened in M's before, and some have had to stop posting b/c of the reaction by their S. This is your private business and it's for your eyes only.

Did you clean the house last night?" I said yes. H mumbled something to the effect of thanks, looks good.

Don't expect any compliments or encouragement from him what-so-ever. He only has one person on his mind. That is why he's not taking care of his R with his kids. He's not thinking about them or you. His mind is strickly focused on OW. You cannot be a dad to your kids and you cannot nag H about being a dad. He has to make that move, and it must be without you nagging him. It would be a very negative act for you to continue b/c it "will" affect your MR. That is one of those many things LBS have to suffer.....seeing how the kids are hurt by the WAS.

My thinking was if she would work on her M, she'd leave my H alone. But that won't change what he's doing...he'd just find someone else.

Sorry to say that you are so right. You can't "fix" him, as much as you want to. You can't even fix this problem......not in the way most LBS think about fixing what's broken.

H does know about this. I had told H about it last Sunday morning when he wanted to know why I was so calm and not 'interrogating' him again. I also have the DR book from the library. It sits on my nightstand when it's not in my hand. Am I supposed to be hiding it?

I kind of freaked when I read this. But then I saw others give advice and what's done is done. Even if you got a different password, he could come here to read what you've posted. It's open to the public. I suppose it will depend on how "interested" he is in what you have to say about him.

This morning H is on his laptop and says to me "I'm not going through a midlife crisis."

So see? He has been reading the board and what you've posted.

After I read it, I did not say a thing and walked away. H did not say anything either. It describes him perfectly. After that, he turned off his computer and is currently lying in bed. Is this a positive step or am I reading into it?

No, it's not positive. Not the way you are thinking "positive" b/c his mind will not accept the information just given (IMHO). It will not change his status. Stop trying to show him these things.

You need to learn to say the following: (I just learned myself)

"I am sorry you feel that way"

But only if you really are sorry he feels that way.

Another positive sign is H must not have talked to OW in front of S today because I did not get a call today informing me "Dad's on the phone with Alisha again!"

How long has S known about OW? How did he find out?

Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night. H wanted to snuggle, which I don't understand and didn't do. H also wanted to ML, which didn't happen. Each time I don't do what he wants, he gets in one of his moods.

Some H's try to control the sex life (and other area's in the M) with a "mood" and I think the W should be offended by that. Of course, it can work the other way around with the sexes....but since you're the W here, that's how we'll approach it. He treats you like cr@p, then thinks you should roll over and have sex? Men! They never think or feel like we women do toward sex.....or anything else!

H even asked me earlier today if I was going to start dating.

Expect "anything" from him. Always be prepared for the worst.

I take it that your parents know what your H is doing?

Okay, well I responded to some things that might be a few weeks old, but I believe it still applies to your stitch as it is now. I will read the thread you have open presently.

Sandi