T- If I shared my old posts, which I won't do, you would probably drop dead from two things--1. Shock at the changes in me and 2. Disbelief at my life and how anyone would still want to save a M. Sometimes I think about it and ask myself if I am totally nuts.
Been through a lot is an understatement, but what has always helped me is that with the exception of MLC/depressive times, H has always been there with me. I can't say I wouldn't have experienced similar difficulties and trials if I had married someone else. Good always comes from the bad. Plus, even if I am not always given details of a situation or the outcome, I have, for my whole life known what was coming and that the end result would be ok. I have never received a phone call, since I was a child, with the news of someone's death, without knowing as the phone rings who was on the other end and what they were going to share. I just have a sort of sixth sense about things. It gets clouded if I am too emotionally involved but...
The touch and go's are hard and they definately test our strength. I too am trying to look at the touch and go's that way. In some ways it is easier when they just ignore you. But they have to maintain that little connection. I personally have wondered if living at home makes this last longer for them. But I refuse to do anything right now to alter the situation in that respect so...
Let yourself feel your emotions. Take them here to vent, take them to God, just don't take them to H. You will know if and when you can share your feelings with him, but now is not the time.
Have a good day.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Well, you sure sound like an incredibly strong person and it is a great testimony to see you sticking things out. I agree with you - good comes from bad - beauty from ashes.
Interesting about the sixth sense thing!:)
I am definitely seeing a lot of the depression in my H lately. I thought it was just him trying to avoid us but I think now maybe it is because he is withdrawing/depressed. Last night he actually shared a lot of his fears/insecurities, etc. with me again which he hasn't for awhile. I tried to just do the validating thing, not offering advice, etc. And he HAS noticed the changes in me - mentioned how he sees I can "exist" (I think that is the word he used - something like that) without him. I am not sure what he thought about that - but I know I think it is a great thing that I have gotten to this point!
I just DO NOT understand (and I know the wisdom on this board would say to not even try - it won't make sense) how he can come in and pour out his heart and become very emotional telling me these things and then go back to the way he has been with withdrawing, avoiding, not letting me in at all in pretty much every other way. I guess it is par for the course. I am glad he did come and talk to me and tell me things I am sure he is not telling anyone else, even though honestly I was tearing up because it is so hard for me to see him like that and know I can't do anything to help but let him work it out.
Such is the life of living with MLC, I guess. The good news is I felt great today, very detached, and had lots of fun out with the kids!
You know, I have wondered if that is part of the problem as well. My strength slowly disappeared as this thing started and was gone by the time of bomb 2. It has returned though, most days anyway.
I think last night was a trial for everyone. My H too did some very out of the blue stuff. Talking about his mother, I did not get upset, I did not say I told you so, I just said oh and a few other inocuous things. Then he came and layed down on his side of our bed. He hasn't done that since September. It was all very strange and very trying for me. But nice.
Do your best to follow the advice here. If you read enough where you actually understand the MLC monster, and then you do your best to stop the wondering, you will be surprised what realizations that you come to. I have, in the last few months, been able to see some of the conversations that I did have with H's family members and others who knew him before me, that I was being shown some of the underlying things then that I had never known before. At the time, I was just surprised that it took these people 18 years to share the info and why didn't they before. I recently have seen the actual beginning of this and what H's actual issue with me in this whole thing is. Never would have realized this stuff if I had been analyzing him and his actions the whole time. Plus, if you believe in the Law of Attraction and that we are all energy, the more you think about it, the more energy you give to the situation. As much as I want to understand, I also do NOT want to know more than I need to. That means not trying to figure out what is going on in H's head. That means not caring about what he does when he is not here.
One more thing to keep in mind, I have heard this many times but it is hard to believe unless you live it, they won't remember a lot of the conversations you have. I was sharing with H yesterday on the way to the store about my night sweats (I've been having then for a few years). He asked me AGAIN why am I having night sweats. Well, as this is the third thing this week alone that he totally has no clue about, I just asked him jokingly, "where have you been for the last year?" I am going through perimenopause. I have been for a few years but it was not confirmed until last summer by the doctor. I was 36 at that point. His comment "you seem awfully young for that". DUH....And we have talked about it over these last many months more than once. I believe that I have been shown again his forgetfulness as a reminder to cut him a little slack.
Please remember to keep your expectations at zero. He could be shifting from one stage to the next, but he can go backwards at any point as well. That hurts. And remember, even though you want your M, them coming through this does not mean your M will survive. I hate to say that to anyone, but it is something I need to remind myself of a lot.
Glad you enjoyed your kids yesterday. They can be a saving grace through the whole thing. You are doing good even though you may not feel like you are.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Well, I think I blew it. I had a bad day being frustrated with everything and just couldn't help myself and brought up things with my H that I probably should not have. Of course, any little thing I said I was "putting pressure" on him and "putting him on the spot." I had a hard time not rolling my eyes at times. So I think this was a major set back. We ended up having a longer conversation than we have had in a long time about a number of different things but now I wonder if he is even further "gone" in many ways than I had originally thought. I should have just shut up I guess. Ugggh. I guess we will have to see what tomorrow holds now. I am exhausted but hope I can sleep!
It is ok. We all have our days. Sometimes, just once in a while, we have to let it out and even though it might seem bad right now, it doesn't have to be. Just like he has his feelings and they are what he is feeling, you also have your feelings and he has to be able to accept that. Several months ago, H and I had a similar conversation and I too got the "pressure" line. He is still here for what that is worth. Sometimes they actually have to show you what they feel is pressure and what isn't. I still haven't figured it out because it seems to change daily but it has made it a little easier. I also had to share with him that I was sharing with him and any pressure he was feeling was HIS and not from me. It was how he chose to interperate what I was saying or doing. I can say that because I have basically been treating him like a stranger but always letting him know he is welcome to participate in whatever S and I or even I am doing. And accepting whatever choice he makes.
Yes a few weeks ago we had a blow up, but it was a necessary one to hopefully stop cycling on both of our parts. I have detached further and after a week of total silence on both parts, we are both now speaking again. All I know right now is that we are still living in limbo.
It is ok though. You are so new at this to be doing so well. I noticed you seem to be posting in the middle of the night lately. Do your best to try to sleep and take care of yourself right now. Exhaustion and lack of nourishment will take it's toll harder than any of this because your body is fighting to survive at the same time your soul is. Keep going. Today is a new day and you may just be surprised what it will bring.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I don't know - I am still thinking maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. He did ask what was wrong - that I seemed "bothered" last night and kept pressing (surprised he even noticed!). I did tell him a couple of times it was NOT pressure I was putting on him.
The hard part was his insinuations again that I hadn't heard for weeks about how he is trying to distance himself from me. He didn't bring up the D word though. Has never officially used that, though I am sure it is running through his mind. I KNOW everyone says to not believe anything they say but it is still hard not to be hurt that he seems to so easily toss away an 18 yr relationship that has been good for all but the last few months when he went MLC on me.
Other things he said seemed kind of convoluted and there were a couple of instances where he something he said contradicted something else he said. I guess that would be an indication of the fog.
I tried to tell him in a VERY roundabout way (w/o actually saying it)that he may think leaving everything and starting over will solve his problems but that they WILL follow him unless he works out his issues. I know he needs to figure all this out on his own.
It is so hard to keep the faith. Some days I feel too tired to try. There are certain connections he doesn't seem willing to break, though, so I guess taht is a good sign? Maybe?
Hey TF Tough day, but you have to let it go. As often as we tell each other to back off, there are going to be backslides....we expect it. They suck adn you just deal and keep moving forward.
Ok, let me try to break this down. I understand it now, but have a hard time explaining it....so bear with me.
Don't believe anything they say, right? Here's why....pretend I'm showing you the inside of his head as he's saying this.
"I am trying to distance myself from you....I don't want to be in this relationship." Inside his head, he can say this with no or little damage because he believes he may be lying....he's not sure. He MAY want out, but he may want to come back, if his "new life" isn't all that great. Now because HE understands he may be back, there some weirdness about them that makes him think you don't believe him either, you sort of know he might be lying.....so that makes it's ok to say this crappy crap.
Does that make any sense?
So why does he say it? Well, he says it because he THINKS he may want out...he's not sure, so he needs to tell you this just in case his "new great life" does work out....saying this to you now is insurance just in case he is happy without you, he can say "Look, I warned you, I told you from the beginning I was leaving.....blah blah blah."
Does this help....???? In his mind this is easy to say because in his mind he HAS NOT thrown away 18 years.....he's only thinking about it.
Do you get me? It's hard to explain....I hope I helped.
I tried to tell him in a VERY roundabout way (w/o actually saying it)that he may think leaving everything and starting over will solve his problems but that they WILL follow him unless he works out his issues. I know he needs to figure all this out on his own.
Stop doing this. I speak from experience. For example, my H's OW would contact me, lie to me, tell me blah blah blah. I knew she was lying. Then later it would be black and white proof she was a little lying actress scumb bag....I would point it out to him, and it was clear as day, how could he not believe me? How could he still think the world of her? This is solid black and white proof!!! Was H crazy?
Well, there are two reasons I couldn't tell him anything. One, I couldn't tell him anything. I was the last person who could convince him or talk to him. The LAST person on earth as a matter of fact. And then, she was perfect and wonderful and no one could tell him crap about her, even his good friends who also tried. But in the end, I was right and he told me. As a matter of fact in their last conversation he told her she was a liar and something else quite colorful. But the moral of the story....he had to get there on his own.
Thanks so much for the advice! You're right - I just need to let go and let him figure it out for himself. It is really painful to see the turmoil in him, though. Glad I am not having to deal with that myself! I really don't know how he can cope at all.
And your explanation of what is going on in his mind made LOTS of sense. I think you are absolutely right. He THINKS that is what he wants (he guesses) but wants to be in control and be able to decide whatever he thinks he wants. He knows me well and knows I won't be the one to bail on him (so maybe that isn't such a good thing?:).
He told me four months ago he wanted out. He is still here, living in the house though not sleeping in our room. He told me initially he just hadn't had time to find some place to live. He has had plenty of time lately. Money is an issue but where there is a will there is a way. That tells me something. I think.:)
