Sounds like you are venting here, I hope. But, I understand and have been there.
It sounds to me like you are still expecting responses from your W:
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I not doing these things for a "thank you", but a little courtesy would be nice. I made coffee for my W this morning and no thank you. Should I stop doing these nice things?
Honestly, did you expect at least a thank you - I know at one time I would have. It's ok, it just means you need to keep working on detaching b/c you haven't completely detached. It will come. Just keep working on you.
As for whether you should continue to do things like make coffee, do it if YOU want some. I make coffee each am, and always make extra in case W wants some. If she doesn't, no big deal. Maybe she just felt like tea that am. Point is, it's something you do for YOU, not her (focus on YOU).
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In the last few days, my W has been quite inconsiderate. Her classic line is "Oh, I forgot to mention...".
Yes, this COULD be a response to your holiday planning, if she feels you left her out. Again, though, her feelings and issues are HERS, not yours. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
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One thing that I can not get out of my head: however, is how do I get my W to believe that there is a definite possibility that she's going to lose me? I can't go on lie this forever. I'm not seeing any improvements in my situation. These characteristics she's exhibiting are not attractive to me. There are days when I have plenty of patience and other days like today when I'm running on empty.
All normal reactions from you. But (there is always a but), YOU can't make your W do or believe anything. What you can do is work on YOU and let those changes (which again have to be fore you) work on her mind. Maybe they will work, maybe they won't - point is that since the changes are for YOU, it does not matter what, if any effect thay have on your W. You are making yourself into someone "only a fool would leave" and if she does, then she has missed the boat. Again, continue to work on detaching and this will come.
Also, I did not look back at your sitch to see how long you have been DB'ing - I know I expected results from my W way too early. This takes time. I still have seen very little in the way of positive signs from my W.
You will know when it is time to throw in the towel, but it does not sound like it is time yet. Your M though, and certainly you would know better than me.
I know what you mean by your W not being attractiv to you. I still feel that way on days - oddly enough today is one of those. Coach explained it to me as the reason I was feeling that way is b/c my W was doing things to hurt me - it's partyl a defense mechanism. There is an issue involving disrespectful behavior by your W (not seeing any truly disrespectful behavior in this post), which should be a somthing for which you have set a boundary. This can involve the W talking to OM in your presence. Don't know if that is present in your sitch. Just saying.
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Over the last 9 weeks of DBing, the only time I seemed to get any interest or emotion from my W is when I'm mysterious about my whereabouts. The one day that she thought I was going out on date was the last time I saw her very uncomfortable and nervous.
OK, so what did that teach you? I'm not suggesting you date while still married (personal issue, but it's not me), nor am I suggesting you ever be dishonest with your W - that can lead to bigger problems. But, it's ok to be mysterious about what you are doing, where you are going. If she presses you on the details, my thought is tell her the truth, but only after she presses (pursues) you.
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I'm trying the best I can to take the high road in this situation. I'm really trying to become the best person I can be. I'm leaning on my Faith as much as possible to get me through this. I hope it's enough.
I think you are taking the high road. For me at least, and after getting some great advice from Coach, it's about honor and integrity. I try to make every decision and take each action with the understanding I am doing it for those reasons. That means continuing to love my W despite the way she is right now. That means she might (probably will) do something that will hurt me again. But it also means I will know in my heart if this goes the "wrong" way, then I did everything I could to save the M - it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe God has someone out there who just needs me more than my W. Maybe God knows I have not been happy in my M and he wants to give me that happiness through someone else. I don't know, but I know that God has a plan, and that plan does not involve me being lonely or miserable the rest of my life. So, to me, that means either God will help me help me and y W make our M into what it should have been and into a new, fabulous R, or I will have a new and fabulous R with someone else.
OK, that is the longest post I think I have ever written. Hope it makes sense.
You are doing the right thing. But, you have to keep doing the Work. I sense through your post you are just having a down day and you are discouraged. That's ok - expect it. But, pick yourself back up and put the focus back on YOU, not her. I know it's hard, but if you will continue to work on YOU, detaching will come and all of this will get easier. Just don't give up on YOU.
