Looking For Help

[givingitmyall]

Sounds like you have a pretty good idea about what it is.

[Looking_For_Help]

I came home early yesterday to make a very nice steak and chicken dinner for everyone and then did the dishes. I just wanted to be nice to my family. I didn't get a single thank you from anyone. I not doing these things for a "thank you", but a little courtesy would be nice. I made coffee for my W this morning and no thank you. Should I stop doing these nice things? If what I'm doing is not working, should I try something new? Any suggestions?

In the last few days, my W has been quite inconsiderate. Her classic line is "Oh, I forgot to mention...". She forgot to mention that she's taking the kids to dinner tonight with her parents b/c the parents are going out of town for a vacation. She forgot to mention that she's taking the kids to Disney next week with other members of her family. She forgot to mention that "she has to leave early to work today for meeting." If I didn't know any better, I think my W is a cake-eater. Does she realize how selfish she's become? Does she feel justified? By staying in the house with me during this separation, she has a built-in babysitter, a maid, and a cook. She travels when she wants to. Goes to work when she wants to. Why would my W want to leave this situation when she has it this good? Am I just a sucker?

It's hard to detach when my W is still in the house with me, but I'd rather have her here with me than elsewhere. I think she may be upset about my holiday scheduling proposal...I don't know. One thing that I can not get out of my head: however, is how do I get my W to believe that there is a definite possibility that she's going to lose me? I can't go on lie this forever. I'm not seeing any improvements in my situation. These characteristics she's exhibiting are not attractive to me. There are days when I have plenty of patience and other days like today when I'm running on empty.

Over the last 9 weeks of DBing, the only time I seemed to get any interest or emotion from my W is when I'm mysterious about my whereabouts. The one day that she thought I was going out on date was the last time I saw her very uncomfortable and nervous. It's momements like this that validates what gucci loafer said in one of his posts.

I'm trying the best I can to take the high road in this situation. I'm really trying to become the best person I can be. I'm leaning on my Faith as much as possible to get me through this. I hope it's enough.

Any suggestions or word of inspiration out there?

-LFH

[givingitmyall]

Good morning LFH,

Sounds like you are venting here, I hope. But, I understand and have been there.

It sounds to me like you are still expecting responses from your W:

I not doing these things for a "thank you", but a little courtesy would be nice. I made coffee for my W this morning and no thank you. Should I stop doing these nice things?

Honestly, did you expect at least a thank you - I know at one time I would have. It's ok, it just means you need to keep working on detaching b/c you haven't completely detached. It will come. Just keep working on you.

As for whether you should continue to do things like make coffee, do it if YOU want some. I make coffee each am, and always make extra in case W wants some. If she doesn't, no big deal. Maybe she just felt like tea that am. Point is, it's something you do for YOU, not her (focus on YOU).

In the last few days, my W has been quite inconsiderate. Her classic line is "Oh, I forgot to mention...".

Yes, this COULD be a response to your holiday planning, if she feels you left her out. Again, though, her feelings and issues are HERS, not yours. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

One thing that I can not get out of my head: however, is how do I get my W to believe that there is a definite possibility that she's going to lose me? I can't go on lie this forever. I'm not seeing any improvements in my situation. These characteristics she's exhibiting are not attractive to me. There are days when I have plenty of patience and other days like today when I'm running on empty.

All normal reactions from you. But (there is always a but), YOU can't make your W do or believe anything. What you can do is work on YOU and let those changes (which again have to be fore you) work on her mind. Maybe they will work, maybe they won't - point is that since the changes are for YOU, it does not matter what, if any effect thay have on your W. You are making yourself into someone "only a fool would leave" and if she does, then she has missed the boat. Again, continue to work on detaching and this will come.

Also, I did not look back at your sitch to see how long you have been DB'ing - I know I expected results from my W way too early. This takes time. I still have seen very little in the way of positive signs from my W.

You will know when it is time to throw in the towel, but it does not sound like it is time yet. Your M though, and certainly you would know better than me.

I know what you mean by your W not being attractiv to you. I still feel that way on days - oddly enough today is one of those. Coach explained it to me as the reason I was feeling that way is b/c my W was doing things to hurt me - it's partyl a defense mechanism. There is an issue involving disrespectful behavior by your W (not seeing any truly disrespectful behavior in this post), which should be a somthing for which you have set a boundary. This can involve the W talking to OM in your presence. Don't know if that is present in your sitch. Just saying.

Over the last 9 weeks of DBing, the only time I seemed to get any interest or emotion from my W is when I'm mysterious about my whereabouts. The one day that she thought I was going out on date was the last time I saw her very uncomfortable and nervous.

OK, so what did that teach you? I'm not suggesting you date while still married (personal issue, but it's not me), nor am I suggesting you ever be dishonest with your W - that can lead to bigger problems. But, it's ok to be mysterious about what you are doing, where you are going. If she presses you on the details, my thought is tell her the truth, but only after she presses (pursues) you.

I'm trying the best I can to take the high road in this situation. I'm really trying to become the best person I can be. I'm leaning on my Faith as much as possible to get me through this. I hope it's enough.

I think you are taking the high road. For me at least, and after getting some great advice from Coach, it's about honor and integrity. I try to make every decision and take each action with the understanding I am doing it for those reasons. That means continuing to love my W despite the way she is right now. That means she might (probably will) do something that will hurt me again. But it also means I will know in my heart if this goes the "wrong" way, then I did everything I could to save the M - it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe God has someone out there who just needs me more than my W. Maybe God knows I have not been happy in my M and he wants to give me that happiness through someone else. I don't know, but I know that God has a plan, and that plan does not involve me being lonely or miserable the rest of my life. So, to me, that means either God will help me help me and y W make our M into what it should have been and into a new, fabulous R, or I will have a new and fabulous R with someone else.

OK, that is the longest post I think I have ever written. Hope it makes sense.

You are doing the right thing. But, you have to keep doing the Work. I sense through your post you are just having a down day and you are discouraged. That's ok - expect it. But, pick yourself back up and put the focus back on YOU, not her. I know it's hard, but if you will continue to work on YOU, detaching will come and all of this will get easier. Just don't give up on YOU.

[Looking_For_Help]

GIMA,

Thanks for your response. Yes, I am venting and having a down morning. I write in this forum b/c no one outside of this forum really understands what we're going through. There appears to be very sincere and caring advice here.

The rollercoaster ride continues. I was in great mental health and spirits on Tuesday, and by Friday I'm down in the dumps. It seems that I do better when I'm away from the W. Strange?

To respond to one of your comments, I still do find my wife very physically attractive, but it's her behavior that's not very attractive. Based on her behavior, I don't think I want her even as a friend. I'm sure she's thinking the same of me and that's what led her to be a WAS.

Talk to you later,
LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH,

All normal. Part of progressing to detachment is working through the rollercoaster until one day, you find yourself off that ride. Just know you will have bad days, deal with them (by venting here is a good idea - I do the same), then deal with it and move on.

I too struggle with the friend issue. Don't know that I will be able to do that given the circumstances. But, I don't have to be her friend. I just have to maintin my honor, integrity and self respect.

See you later. Hang in there.

[sandi2]

Hi LFH,

Let's see......"dropping the rope". So many LBH's have a big problem understanding exactly what that is and I don't know that I can explain it to your satisfaction. To me, it is all about a final decision. It is "attitude". You have to make up your mind once and for all that you are turning her lose and moving on. Now......how is that different from the "detaching" that we always talk about? Dropping the Rope...."is" detaching, but it is a one time decision....or a final decision (I should say) to put down that emotional tie you have with her and let her go. Can you see that image in your mind? There you stand with a short rope tied around her waist and you are pulling and holding as tight as you can so she won't budge from your side. She, on the other hand, is struggling to get away from you, so she's pulling also. The two forces that are pulling "AGAINST" each other is causing so much friction that there is no chance of peace! Talk about stress!

So, what would happen if you dropped that rope? Can't you see that picture in your mind? I bet she is straining against your hold so hard that she'd nearly fall on her face when you let go. That's the point. At least, part of the point. First, she would be shocked. Can you imagine the look on her face when she nearly falls from you suddenly dropping that rope and she begins to stumble? Then it's like she isn't sure what to do. Should she leave? Does she really want to, now? She keeps looking back at you to see what you are going to do about that rope! But, you aren't paying any attention to the rope. You are busy looking at life instead of the rope! It seems as if.....no wait.....YOU ARE actually living your life without her. Does that mean you will move on without her??? Wait, wait,,,,,,she starts trying to get your attention b/c she's decided that she doesn't want to leave after all.

Now, in all reality, there is always the possiblity that she will take off running the minute you drop the rope and she sees she is free! That is why this technique cannot be a gimmick hoping it will draw her back to you. It must be done strickly for your sake and b/c you cannot continue to live like this any longer.

What is the difference in dropping the rope and getting a D? If you decide that you will move on with life without a chance of her ever being a part of it.....then get a D. Plain as that. However, if you can move on with your life without her in it....but would consider rethinking her being in it if she was willing to make radical changes and not have any other interests in men or dating, etc........."then" you would be willing to include her in that life.....but ONLY if she was willing to work at the M and give up these other WAW ideas.

Does that help to explain it any better? I know I don't do a great job at it. I can see it in my mind, but it is hard to put into words. I really, really believe that is the best route to take, however, I don't know that I have seen any LBS that can reach that point right away. It usually has to get to the place that they simply can't take any more of the stress and has to let go......regardless of the outcome. And, that has to be your attitude about it......"regardless of the outcome" you are turning her lose.

Later,
Sandi

[antlers]

Here's a great analogy about 'dropping the rope' from Coach...

"Imagine pulling with all your might on a rope tied to a elephant's leg that doesn't want to move. Tension on the rope, the elephant's getting torqued, and you are wasting all your energy and getting no results. The elephant just ain't moving. So why keep pulling on the rope?
The goal is to get the elephant to move. Release all the tension between you and the elephant. Catch your breathe and try something different. The elephant is not going to move just because you are trying with all your strength, want it to and would love it to. The elephant moves when it wants to. Drop the rope. Do something for yourself and see if the elephant gets interested enough to check it out. Be a elephant whisperer !
You do what is healthy and productive for you." - Coach

Good stuff!

[Coach]

Not that I think your wife is a elephant or anything!

[Looking_For_Help]

Sandi: Yes, you do a very good job at explaining things. I fully understand what you mean. You have a gift.

Antlers and Coach: You guys crack me up! Keep it coming.

GIMA: I have a feeling we are going to "pick each other up by the bootstraps" each and everytime we're emotionally drained. Thank you for your support.

Well, today was definitely a rollercoaster ride. The morning was horrible, but I actually had a pretty nice evening. My W took the kids to dinner with her parents. I was not invited, but I didn't care b/c I really needed some quiet time. As my W and kids were getting ready to go, my W invited me to this dinner. I had already started to cook my own dinner, so I politely said no thanks. I don't understand my W...this is the second time she's done this to me where I'm not initially invited to a family event just to be invited in the last minute. Does she feel guilty or is she simply confused? Her side of the family loves me to death.

After dinner, I went to the gym for a quick workout (lost 28 pounds and counting since the bomb). Thereafter, I went to the mall to pickup some new jeans. When I came home, the kids came rushing to the door to greet me...they wouldn't go to bed until I came home. Priceless!

Goodnight every one.
-LFH

[sandi2]

That's the way you have to do it. Make it about what you and what you want and politely tell her "no thanks".