WAS seeing reality?

[v1olin]

Well, she is demanding but she is also a work-a-holic and I am not. I think that got to her the most. She felt she was doing all of the work and that she had to or things would not get taken care of. I do have too much of a nice guy syndrome but I am starting to let go of that. I have cut the grass every week since the bomb and I think I will stop that soon. Nothing seems to really work on her. I did attempt to move back in on May 15th and she threw the craziest mental fit ever. I was disgusted with her reaction actually.

[v1olin]

My wife got a letter in the mail but I do not know if she got my response from my lawyer yet. I could see that the letter she got was a bill of some kind, $1,000. ouch!
i have been very dark for about a week now but should I initiate more talks about day to day stuff or stay dark? not sure if it is working. A 180 for me would be to be more understanding, empathetic, maybe just listen. We have been seperated now for 3 months and 10 days. No hugs,or touching of any kind for almost 3 months is killing me. I want to just hold her hand and tell her I know I screwed up but that I have changed.
She called me yesterday to tell me that she would have to stay at work and could not pick up D7 on time. She asked if her mother could come and pick her up instead. I agreed because I was going across town after work to pick up D2. She called back before the end of the work day and said that she could pick up D7 after all. I could tell in her voice that work was causing her alot of stress. I was back home with D2 and decided to call her cell to offer to start dinner for them before they got home. She said that would be a big help. I then asked if the problem at work had worked itself out. She started talking about it and I just ler her talk. She seemed very comfortable talking to me. I decided to end the convo first and got off the phone in an up-beat tone. She got home and then I told her that I was going to change D2's diaper and then I was going to go out to dinner with some friends. She apologized for "all of the confusion" and I just said "I have a much higher tolerance for it than I used to." I looked up and she had a type of smile on her face that said, " I'm sorry" So, how am I doing? Should I try to come out of the dark more?

[v1olin]

Also, I have started reading Coach's old threads and I find it interesting that the legal side of his sitch seems to mirror mine. It is helping me get my focus back, yes, this can be done-it HAS been done before. Continue to love my wife and honor my marriage.

[Phoenixdeux]

I didn't read past the first post. Of course your wife owes you child support if you will be the one with custody. End of discussion...she needs to get used to the fact that paying for the care of HER children is her responsibility as well.

[v1olin]

Thanks Pheonix, Trying to balance the legal stuff with trying to DB my wife back is a very big challenge. A few days ago I found a sketch book in our bedroom that had a drawing in it that she had made. A circle with the words "who am I" in the middle of it. All around the circle there are parts of her life symbolized by little characters. This very big for her I think. She is trying to figure out what it is she is after. Now, I dont think that I take up much of this drawing because I am the enemy, right?Wrong. We all know that. Anyway, she says that she is lonely in this drawing.

there is a list-
[list]
[*]1. Am I money?
[*]2. Am I M&C? (our 2 daughters)
[*]3. Am I D? (her dad I believe)
[*]4. Am I work?
[*]5. Am I happy?
but
[*]6. Am I lonely?

I look at this and think, "Oh my God, my wife needs me." But she just wont let me.

[Phoenixdeux]

Trying to balance the legal stuff with trying to DB my wife back is a very big challenge

Not necessarily. I see that alot...people that don't want to make their spouse mad at them because it would be un-DB like. If you are focusing on yourself and your own growth, and your spouse doesn't like it, whose problem is it? One hint, it isn't yours. I don't think being a doormat or being taken advantage of is DBing...it's having a normal break-up. Any most divorces/separations one spouse wants to go and the other wants them to stay. The LBS is the one that is doing the butt-kissing, bending over backwards, and compromising to their own detriment. That doesn't work. It's okay to protect yourself and your children from a spouse that suddenly has a "me first" mentality. You can be friendly, nice, happy, confident, put together, and still protect yourself and have firm boundaries. Her providing for the kids if she isn't going to be primary caregiver is one of those things that really shouldn't be in question just because you are a guy. Deadbeat moms are out there...they just don't get the negative press that they should.

[v1olin]

I was just about to update. I probably just had a huge backslide but man I am tired of not talking to her! I called her to tell her that I will pay half of a membership to the museum for our kids and that started a big conversation. I told her that I did not want the divorce, the legal crap, and I also told her that I realise my part in our marriage failing. I felt this was important to say even if it is against DB rules because I do understand I had a part in this. Then she said that it takes two to screw something up. So she did not let me take all the blame. Man, I feel like I really made a mistake here becasue I told her that I felt like she was getting a double bonus out of this divorce because not only does she get rid of me but she also gets the kids out of her hair every other weekend. Ooooo, she did not like that one.
From talking to her I guess she has not heard from my lawyers yet. She asked 3 times what I was asking for in the divorce and so I told her I would be asking for joint custody and child support- another DB mistake I think. Not feeling to good right now. I will be moving into an apartment on the 24th and that depresses the heck out of me. I will feel better about my kids coming to stay with me now though.
Dont get me wrong though, I have been working on me. I have been going to the gym, wearing colonge, buying nice clothes and I have lost 30 pounds. I dont let every little thing that wife does drive me crazy anymore either. I just feel like I been trying everything and not seeing any positive changes in her towards me.

[Phoenixdeux]

I didn't see any mistakes. If you haven't expressed those things before then it's okay to express them...once. You said your piece, she heard you, she didn't say "I want it to work out too", so now proceed as though the divorce is inevitable (which it isn't). There is nothing wrong with saying you are asking for child support...of course you are. I don't know about your state, but every state I've lived in child support is pretty much a given (as it should be unless each parent is caring for the kids 50% of the time and providing equally).

[v1olin]

Thanks Pheonix,

The first thing she did after talking to me last night was email her old highschool friend(girl) to vent. She took alot of the things that I said the wrong way I guess. She told her friend that I keep digging to see if she is having an affair! Then she said that I was fighting her for joint custody(true). Then she said that when I have them on the weekends I only have them for about 24 hours and that I dont act like someone who wants joint custody(not true). I am staying at my sisters house and it tears me up to see my 22 month old trying to sleep in a house that she is not familiar with. She cries for her mommy and wakes up 4 or 5 times a night. So yeah, I dont want to put my kids through this- so now I am a bad guy that doesnt want to be a dad?


She then told her friend how bad this f-ing sucks. She told her friend to remind her of this if she ever gets married again. I really feel hopeless right now. She doesnt seem to believe any of the changes that I have made. She also NEVER tells her friend about all of the good things I have done for my family. I guess that would make me look good wouldnt it??:)

What should I do now? Ask her on a date? hahha

[v1olin]

I have been thinking about this all night. Should I offer to bury the hatchet sort of thing and talk about being friends again? But, I told her last night that if we get divorced that we would not be friends afterwards. All she said was that she understands if I dont want to be friends.