oh thanks for the responses. Yes I do think it's deeper than the cat, and I've spent a great deal of time considering that. But he's really stuck on the cat issue, so I'm backed up there too. I can't move pages ahead if he's still on this chapter.
Background: He had a pretty horrible childhood. His Mum couldn't handle him, her 4th, she was single. So he was passed around to neighbors & family members from before he was 2. After quite a bit of that, his Dad took him to live with his wife & their kids cuz he didn't like to see him being passed around. Step Mom hated him since he was the product of his Dad's affair with ow and so she treated him pretty badly. His Mom lived in the ghetto with his 3 sibs. His Dad was wealthy, so he had private schools and lived in a gated community. Dad treated step mom poorly and step Mom treated him like an unwelcome guest. He was in med school when his dad died. No will. step-Mom got all the money, the business, properties, and land. She shared with her 3 kids, but not w/ BF or his Mom & sibs. He had to drop out of university with no one to pay. He fell into construction work but has resentment that his 1/2 sibs all got university educations.
Because of this, I think he has a very deep rooted desire to be loved above all else. When he made me chose. It was a test and I failed.
He also has a lot of pride & my decision to get kitty without his blessings was a blow to his male ego. I agree with OD that he didn't feel I respected him in this matter or cared about his opinion. It was obviously far more important to him than I realized. It seems so dumb, the cat or me. But it's more that he felt I disregarded his opinion. Even now tho, I just don't think it qualified as a fatal blow.
From my perspective, I already had 2 cats when he moved in w/ me. So adding a 2nd after my old one passed didn't seem outrageous. I felt I had already compromised so much to make him comfortable. But if he has adopted a zero tolerance for pets, we do have problems. In 2005 he told me he would never ask me to get rid of pets since he can see how much they mean to me and how I care for them. I never realized he implied that he expected I would not ever get new ones!
I know to me it seems unfair. And if he refuses to compromise to accomodate my desire for furries, than I really don't know if there is going forward from here. I know it's a BIG deal to him, and to me it's absurd. But we could have 2 apts. in the same bldg. Or share a home where pets aren't allowed on his floor. Even now, he lives only a few blocks away, we could easily see each other and not share a home. I could stay with him a few nights a wk and he'd never have to see the cat. But he isn't willing to forgive or forget how I disappointed him.
This is more that I hurt him by not taking his feelings seriously. And true, I didn't. I really thought he'd just get over it and be fine. He said he thinks about it every day how I chose a cat over him and he's torn up about it.
There's something more that was going on too which contributed. But I'll write more later, lest this get too long.
I've had pets all my life. In fact the past 4 yrs that i've been w/ BF is the only time in 49 yrs that I haven't had a kitty in my bed at night. I just cant' imagine not having them. I would like to think these are it, and that I will be pet free by my mid 60's, but I don't know if I can make it a sincere promise.
Jeff, you are not the only person who has said they think something else is up. BF has had 5 months to fess up about anything else at all. But no, he's stuck on the cat thing and for him that was enough.