I know it sounds like a crazy idea but there would be ground rules in effect.Like on her days the kids would not be allowed in my half,if she wanted to use the yard it would be on days I'm working,etc.
Would you believe me if I told you that no way on earth that would work? For one huge reason.....if that was all you needed.....and that is "the kids". How are you going to tell your own children that they are not allowed on "your half" of the house & yard? You can't do that and think your children are going to grow up to be "normal" people! Listen sweetie, you are hurting so badly that you aren't "thinking". You are trying to "fix" this problem.
Years ago, I tried to live in a similar situtation with the house, etc. It was not a marriage stitch like yours, but it was similar. Trust me.....it won't work. It never works that way, and futhermore, you really don't "want" it that way. You are trying to figure out something that would get her closer to you.
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I am curious about something.If I did decide to approach one of my w's relatives I know well.How would I begin talking with them about my w's problem.Is there a certain way to explain it to them?
No! Do not say one word to anybody about your wife! Unless you want to dig your marriage grave with your teeth. Did you not listen to what I said about how I would have reacted if my H had talked to "anybody"? Well, he did say something to my mother the night everything hit the fan, and I think I told about part of that and how much damage that did. I do know I tried to explain that if anyone talks to your W about supporting "you"......it will turn her away. I can't stress enough how everything you "think".....works opposite.
For an example: You "want" to cling to her tighter. You "should" drop the rope and turn her lose.
You "want" to fix the problem; you want to control her and the stitch; you want to find the key that works in making her snap out of it. You "should" leave her alone, accepting that you cannot "fix" or "control" what she does. You "should" GAL and act "as if" she will not be a part of it again. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't.
Those are just a few examples of what I'm trying to tell you.
Please, please do not talk to any of her relatives. I know you are hurt and you are very concerned.....but like other LBH's you will have to see that the more you try to "make things work" the worse it will become.
I regret saying a word about finding somebody who might talk to her b/c I think that is all you saw in my statement. I thought she was a serial cheater and was hopping from one man to the next....at the time I said what I did. As I mentioned the book I had read that tells what happens to a woman's emotional state after she lives like that. "If" a relative, Pastor, friend.....somebody in her life who saw for themselves what was happening to her and saw her heading for that downward out of control sprial stairs......thenthey could decide whether or not to say anything to her. But for YOU to go to them and tell them about your wife and what she's doing? No way! It will backfire on you big time. Just one thing.....one little word.....and that is that YOU talked to them. That would do it up! Even "if" they didn't say that (which always comes out in the end) what would you want them to say? You may say you are thinking about her well being, but we both know that you think her well being is going home to you! I keep telling you.....don't talk to anyone.
It is hard to do things at night when you have small kids in bed sleeping. But, try to find something healthy to keep your mind occupied and not focused on your W and the stitch. If you will read some of the LBH's threads, you will find something amazing. Know what it is? They all start out saying almost word for word what you've said. It is so hard to get them to understand detaching and to work at detaching b/c they keep talking about how they "can't do it". But THEN, two days of detaching and they are like.....WOW.....they've got it made! Of course, they haven't....but it is the difference in their feelings. We tried to tell them!
It's a process, Tiger. Nobody can make you detach and you can't do it overnight. However, it is about "attitude" and you can decide overnight to do it. Then carry it through. That is the only thing I have seen that works in standing a chance in getting the WAS drawn back to the LBS.
Take care and I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
